Battle of the Bulge

Battle of the Bulge 291.6 is the number that greeted me on the scale this morning when I forced myself to face the mountain. Again. This is a battle I have fought pretty much all my life and I would be lying if I didn't admit to being battle-weary. It just reaches a point sometimes that I don't care anymore. I do but I don't. My teenage son often asks me, "Mom, why are you so fat?" to which I reply "Because I wanna be". At least that's what Dr. Phil would say. The truth is I don't wanna be fat, but my addiction to food (namely sugar) keeps me in an ongoing struggle. It would appear the pleasure of food outweighs the risks I'm taking with my health. And that's not a good thing.

The last time I found myself at this weight my daughter was a year old. I weighed in at 298 and I told myself something must be done. 300 lbs. was my absolute cut-off point. That was over 7 yrs. ago. A friend introduced me to Weight Watchers and for the next year and a half I was diligent. I wrote down everything I ate and carefully kept track of my points. I managed to lose 80 lbs. doing that and although I never reached my goal, it was still a huge accomplishment for me.

I did really well maintaining the weight-loss until we moved to NC nearly 4 yrs. ago. That's when everything changed.I made up my mind that I was tired of dieting and that I wanted weight-loss surgery so guess what? I gave up. I quit watching what I ate and found myself indulging my fleshly appetites on a regular basis. Little by little I just kept gaining weight. I figured why bother dieting if I'm just gonna have surgery? Might as well eat what I want while I can, right? Wrong! Surgery ain't gonna happen, folks. I figured that out a year ago but I just kept stuffing my gullet. And now I am once again faced with what I have done to my body and it ain't pretty, folks.

I had a long heart-to-heart with my husband this morning because I'm supposed to see a cardiologist on Tuesday. I want to cancel the appt. for the sheer fact that I don't want to be faced with what I know is coming. Yet, I can't continue to live in this bubble of denial I've created for myself. Going to the doctor will probably be just the impetus I need to get me heading in the right direction. I won't lie. My flesh is screaming. I bawled my eyes out at just the thought of having to climb this mountain yet again. Yes, food has that much of a hold on me. Why is change so hard?

The question I have to ask myself though is "Is it worth it?" My marriage is in the ditch. Not because I'm fat, but because I don't try. When it comes to DJ, I put forth no effort and that, my friends, is a huge turn-off to my husband. He has never demanded or even expected a perfect body from me. All he wants to see is effort and a willingness to try. Instead I've been more concerned about my next piece of cake or chocolate while my sex-life has become non-existent. It's sad to admit that food has been more important to me than a relationship with my husband, the most important man on earth to me. I miss the intimacy we once shared... the connection we once had. I believe we can get it back again because deep down we still love each other. I just need to change. That's all there is to it.

With the new year on the horizon I have made a decision to start with baby steps. The first one being to cut out refined sugar. Oh, just saying that puts a knot in my stomach even now. I feel my chest tightening with anxiety at the mere thought. I will be 44 yrs. old on January 11th and this will be the first year I don't get a cake. I have told my husband in lieu of a cake I want a fruit salad. At this point I am no different than an alcoholic going through rehab. I simply cannot allow myself to indulge in the white stuff because it will set me back. I am convinced sugar is just as much a drug as heroine or cocaine, only it's legal. What have I done to myself? Detox is the only answer and for me it will have to be cold turkey. There is no other way. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

(((HUGS)))

Southern Mom

8:30:00 PM