Where's a magic wand when I need it?

Here I sit on the last day of 2008 thinking about the new year and wondering how it will be different from this year. Lord knows something has to change. It's hard not to feel overwhelmed by all that faces me... my weight, my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my spiritual life. It's a lot to consider. Where's a magic wand when I need it? As you know if you've read my other posts, my weight as ballooned out of control to the point that I now fall among the morbidly obese of our society. Is it any wonder my kids are embarrassed and ashamed of me? If I don't lose weight for me, I should at least do it for them.

Unfortunately, Ashton has had to endure his whole life with a fat mama. That's what he calls me, yk? "Hey, fat mama... why are you so fat?" If I were of a more sensitive nature I would be reduced to tears on a daily basis from the constant taunting. And if that's not enough, Averi has taken after him calling me "fatty" whenever she gets angry. The only child of mine to never be mean to me is Evan, yet I know deep down he has to be embarrassed, too. I often wonder how I ended up with two choleric children. They have no trouble voicing their opinions let me tell ya.

I think part of the issue with the kids, aside from me being fat, is I have no energy (because I'm fat) therefore I sit around a lot while they see their daddy running around busy as a bee. It makes me look lazy and unproductive. Granted, I will never be as motivated and goal-oriented as my husband. He is a dang workaholic, but I could definitely do more than I do. I have lost their respect. That hurts, yet I brought it on myself. There may be time to salvage the years I have left with Evan and Averi, but Ashton? I think it's too late.

As for my marriage? Well, it's nothing major. It's the "little foxes" that over the years have "spoiled the vine". My husband, by nature, is a giver. He finds joy in serving others and is one of the kindest persons you'll ever meet. This plays naturally into his role as a Dad. The kids simply adore him because he has always put them first. For many years, he did everything around the house. I had it made. Then about 8 yrs. ago he woke up and decided "no more". He got angry. He felt taken advantage of and used. Although that was never my intention, EVER, I understand why someone like him would feel that way after years of doing everything.

We fell into an unhealthy pattern early on because he was so good at certain things and I wasn't. We just did what we did every day never realizing down the road it would hurt our marriage. None of it was intentional on my part. Sadly, I just didn't have a clue so I stayed lost in my little world, doing my own thing while he kept things running and slowly dying inside. Now here we are 19 yrs. later and we live as two roommates in the same household. We don't fight. For the most part we get along just fine like two friends would, but there is no romance... no intimacy... no emotional connection and certainly no sex.

I could count on two hands the number of times we've had sex in the last 4 years. As of this post, it's been over a year. Marriage experts say a couple's sex-life is a definite indicator of the emotional health of their marriage. Sex isn't everything, but when it's not happening at all, it becomes everything. Why he hasn't kicked my butt to the curb I'll never know. If he was like most men he would've gotten rid of me years ago. But he's loyal and committed and deep down he still hopes I'll change. He says he loves me, but that love is buried so deeply underneath all the other toxic emotions that it's hard to feel the "ooey gooey's" these days.

There is no quick fix for this and sad to say, no magic wands either. This is not something that will straighten out after a month of me doing dishes and taking care of the kids with a smile on my face. It's going to take time to turn this ship around. A lot of it. And for me it will take conscious effort every. single. day. because I know how I am. I will do good for a few days, then I'll fall back into old patterns. I don't mean to. It just happens until I do something else to anger my husband and I "wake up" again.

I swear I think something is missing from my brain. Some sort of chip that would make me do right. I really am not like other wives and moms. I have always felt inferior especially when I have friends whom I deem to be "perfect" wives and mothers. It's awful being a woman born with her very own breasts and vagina, yet not fitting the mold of what a woman should be. What society expects. Especially Christian society which is all I've ever been surrounded with. You would think just by virtue of being born female I would fit the mold but I'm here to tell you, that's not always the case.

Overall, I'm a very confident person, but when it comes to the homefront I fall apart. There is this constant feeling of being overwhelmed, looking around and not knowing how to get it all done. It's no wonder I suffered from depression, then developed a fullblown anxiety disorder when I was a stay-at-home-mom for 8 years. My life was nothing but chaos. I lack the organizational skills that it takes to run a household which is why my husband had always picked up the slack. He's the most organized, scheduled, on-task human being I know. And I had to marry him. Well, they say opposites attract so there must have been something about me way-back-when that he found just as attractive.

I have to wonder though if he had known then what he knows now, would he have chosen differently? Would I have chosen differently? At the time we fully believed marriage was God's will for us and that He had chosen us for each other. I still believe that, but I guess I'm asking myself "why?" now that we're in a ditch. Certainly God knew this is how we would end up? And the writing is on the wall. If things don't change over the next several years we will go our separate ways eventually. My chest tightens at the mere thought of that, but I know my husband. When he's had enough, that will be it.

I feel so scared because the future of my marriage seems to rest squarely on my shoulders. Basically God will have to transform me into someone that, by nature, I'm not. I know nothing is impossible with Him, but I also know my human nature all too well and that's what scares me. So 2009 will be the year of change. It has to be. Consider this my metamorphosis, folks. And please bear with me as I go through what will probably be some very painful times. It is never fun nor easy to crucify the flesh but that's exactly what this ol' gal has to do. It's "pee or get off the pot" time. Here's to my future.