"I wanna be famous"

Those are words to a song my daughter goes around singing. I think she made them up. She is forever trying to write songs of her own. Somehow I have managed to give birth to a songbird, y'all. At any given time of the day or night you can hear Averi belting out a song or two. Lately it's been a toss-up between "Joy to the World" and "The Star-Spangled Banner". Now what those two songs have in common I'll never know, but for some reason they seem to go hand-in-hand in her mind.

I usually find myself cringing and holding my ears. Not that she can't carry a tune. She can actually. But she likes to sing loud. Really loud. And that's when she loses control. It's painful to hear. Last night she actually tried to break glass. No, seriously. Can you imagine? She found a note and just held it there in hopes that one of her daddy's vases would shatter into a million pieces. This went on for 10 solid minutes till my nerves were nearly shot. It didn't help that on occasion she would come over and blast the note right in my ear. She never managed to break the vase. I told her the note wasn't high enough. She's an alto afterall.

Like most little girls, Averi has dreams of being a popstar or an actress. These are not dreams I plan to pursue because for one thing it takes money and lots of it. I tell her if she's meant to be famous she will have to be "discovered". However, I will indulge her imagination from time-to-time by pretending with her what it would be like to become famous. I mean what is life if you can't have dreams?

One of those indulgences will take place tomorrow night, in fact. Averi has planned a concert. Yes, you read that right. A concert. In her bedroom. And me and her dad are invited. She has informed us that we must dress nice. Meaning, no pj's. She actually has a stage in her room now so she's got a hankering to use it. That was a Christmas gift from a family friend. He actually built it for her. This, too, just another way of indulging her dreams.

Tonight she handed her dad a sheet of paper with this written on it:

You are invited to a wonderful dinner with your wife in Averi's room.

She will be performing a sing show for y'all.

Tomorrow: 7:00 o'clock PM

Averi's songlist:

1) Joy to the World

2) Deck the Halls

3) We Wish you a Merry Christmas

4) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

5) Jingle Bells

6) Oh Hannakuh

7) Our Song (in honor of her idol- Taylor Swift)

P.S. Be ready for a wonderful night.

When she handed it to me I couldn't help but giggle. A Christmas concert after Christmas. How special. I especially loved how she remembered the Jews with song-choice no. 6. And of course, there won't really be a dinner, but she did say maybe a snack. That will either be grapes or apples with water to drink. Yes, indeed it should be a night to remember, folks. Oh, the stuff of childhood.

Where's a magic wand when I need it?

Here I sit on the last day of 2008 thinking about the new year and wondering how it will be different from this year. Lord knows something has to change. It's hard not to feel overwhelmed by all that faces me... my weight, my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my spiritual life. It's a lot to consider. Where's a magic wand when I need it? As you know if you've read my other posts, my weight as ballooned out of control to the point that I now fall among the morbidly obese of our society. Is it any wonder my kids are embarrassed and ashamed of me? If I don't lose weight for me, I should at least do it for them.

Unfortunately, Ashton has had to endure his whole life with a fat mama. That's what he calls me, yk? "Hey, fat mama... why are you so fat?" If I were of a more sensitive nature I would be reduced to tears on a daily basis from the constant taunting. And if that's not enough, Averi has taken after him calling me "fatty" whenever she gets angry. The only child of mine to never be mean to me is Evan, yet I know deep down he has to be embarrassed, too. I often wonder how I ended up with two choleric children. They have no trouble voicing their opinions let me tell ya.

I think part of the issue with the kids, aside from me being fat, is I have no energy (because I'm fat) therefore I sit around a lot while they see their daddy running around busy as a bee. It makes me look lazy and unproductive. Granted, I will never be as motivated and goal-oriented as my husband. He is a dang workaholic, but I could definitely do more than I do. I have lost their respect. That hurts, yet I brought it on myself. There may be time to salvage the years I have left with Evan and Averi, but Ashton? I think it's too late.

As for my marriage? Well, it's nothing major. It's the "little foxes" that over the years have "spoiled the vine". My husband, by nature, is a giver. He finds joy in serving others and is one of the kindest persons you'll ever meet. This plays naturally into his role as a Dad. The kids simply adore him because he has always put them first. For many years, he did everything around the house. I had it made. Then about 8 yrs. ago he woke up and decided "no more". He got angry. He felt taken advantage of and used. Although that was never my intention, EVER, I understand why someone like him would feel that way after years of doing everything.

We fell into an unhealthy pattern early on because he was so good at certain things and I wasn't. We just did what we did every day never realizing down the road it would hurt our marriage. None of it was intentional on my part. Sadly, I just didn't have a clue so I stayed lost in my little world, doing my own thing while he kept things running and slowly dying inside. Now here we are 19 yrs. later and we live as two roommates in the same household. We don't fight. For the most part we get along just fine like two friends would, but there is no romance... no intimacy... no emotional connection and certainly no sex.

I could count on two hands the number of times we've had sex in the last 4 years. As of this post, it's been over a year. Marriage experts say a couple's sex-life is a definite indicator of the emotional health of their marriage. Sex isn't everything, but when it's not happening at all, it becomes everything. Why he hasn't kicked my butt to the curb I'll never know. If he was like most men he would've gotten rid of me years ago. But he's loyal and committed and deep down he still hopes I'll change. He says he loves me, but that love is buried so deeply underneath all the other toxic emotions that it's hard to feel the "ooey gooey's" these days.

There is no quick fix for this and sad to say, no magic wands either. This is not something that will straighten out after a month of me doing dishes and taking care of the kids with a smile on my face. It's going to take time to turn this ship around. A lot of it. And for me it will take conscious effort every. single. day. because I know how I am. I will do good for a few days, then I'll fall back into old patterns. I don't mean to. It just happens until I do something else to anger my husband and I "wake up" again.

I swear I think something is missing from my brain. Some sort of chip that would make me do right. I really am not like other wives and moms. I have always felt inferior especially when I have friends whom I deem to be "perfect" wives and mothers. It's awful being a woman born with her very own breasts and vagina, yet not fitting the mold of what a woman should be. What society expects. Especially Christian society which is all I've ever been surrounded with. You would think just by virtue of being born female I would fit the mold but I'm here to tell you, that's not always the case.

Overall, I'm a very confident person, but when it comes to the homefront I fall apart. There is this constant feeling of being overwhelmed, looking around and not knowing how to get it all done. It's no wonder I suffered from depression, then developed a fullblown anxiety disorder when I was a stay-at-home-mom for 8 years. My life was nothing but chaos. I lack the organizational skills that it takes to run a household which is why my husband had always picked up the slack. He's the most organized, scheduled, on-task human being I know. And I had to marry him. Well, they say opposites attract so there must have been something about me way-back-when that he found just as attractive.

I have to wonder though if he had known then what he knows now, would he have chosen differently? Would I have chosen differently? At the time we fully believed marriage was God's will for us and that He had chosen us for each other. I still believe that, but I guess I'm asking myself "why?" now that we're in a ditch. Certainly God knew this is how we would end up? And the writing is on the wall. If things don't change over the next several years we will go our separate ways eventually. My chest tightens at the mere thought of that, but I know my husband. When he's had enough, that will be it.

I feel so scared because the future of my marriage seems to rest squarely on my shoulders. Basically God will have to transform me into someone that, by nature, I'm not. I know nothing is impossible with Him, but I also know my human nature all too well and that's what scares me. So 2009 will be the year of change. It has to be. Consider this my metamorphosis, folks. And please bear with me as I go through what will probably be some very painful times. It is never fun nor easy to crucify the flesh but that's exactly what this ol' gal has to do. It's "pee or get off the pot" time. Here's to my future.

Facing the Music

Today is the day I face the music. I'm going to see a cardiologist and I'm not too thrilled about it. I just happened to mention to my regular doctor recently that at times I've had little twinges of pain around my heart and the next thing you know, I was hooked up to an ekg machine. Of course everything was normal as far as my rhythms go, but I'm sure everything won't be normal when it comes to my cholesterol and triglycerides.

The last time I saw a cardiologist was 7 yrs ago. when I was going through all my anxiety stuff. I remember having to walk the treadmill. I thought I would die. And this was after I had lost a bunch of weight. I can't even imagine if he tries to put me on a treadmill in my current state. I won't last a minute. It's downright embarrassing is what it is. I feel so humiliated that I have let myself get to this point.

I guess you could say by going to see the doctor I am being proactive. I do not want to get on cholesterol meds. My husband takes those due to his family history, but I would rather control mine with diet and exercise and organic apple cider vinegar. Yeap, that's right. Good ol' acv. It's amazing the health benefits that can be found in that little tonic. One tsp. per 8 oz. of purified water before every meal and you will not only burn fat, you will do your body a huge favor in terms of health benefits.

If you don't believe me, let me just name a few: "Apple cider vinegar is made from fresh ripe apples that are fermented and undergo a stringent process to create the final product. The vinegar contains a host of vitamins, beta-carotene, pectin and vital minerals such as potassium, sodium, magnesium, calcium, phosphorous, chlorine, sulphur, iron, and fluorine. Pectin in the vinegar is a fiber which helps reduce bad cholesterol and helps in regulating blood pressure."

I dare you to google it for yourself. Perhaps that will make a believer out of you. The key is buying "organic". Braggs is a well-known brand that can be found at any health-food store in America. There are many others as well. With the new year approaching, I have to make some changes. Not just to my diet, but in many other areas as well. I think I will declare 2009 "The year of change" at least in my life. Just sitting around "hoping" things will get better ain't cutting it. In fact, that's the definition of insanity I do believe.

Nope, it's time I pull myself up by the boot-straps and get back in the saddle. I've been wallowing in the muck and mire of self-absorption for far too long. Change is a'comin'. My flesh has ruled me long enough. I know this is not something I can do in my own strength so I am calling on God to empower me to do what I need to do to turn my life around. My relationship with God, my health, my marriage, my relationship with my kids. It all has to change. I will start with God because without Him it's all futile anyway. My daily mantra for '09 will be "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Giddyup, y'all!!!!

Mothering Woes

I make myself sick. Seriously. I am so the opposite of what a mother should be it's pitiful. I'm on vacation this week. I slept in til 11:15 this morning. That might have something to do with the fact that I stayed up till 1:45 last night. Nevertheless. Here I sit still in my pj's on the computer. My husband has already been home for lunch and I've pissed him off for the day. That's not hard to do. Here's what happened.

Averi and her friend, Savannah, came in to tell me they were hungry. My daughter stood next to me and repeated it 3 times in a row like a parrot, "Mom, we're hungry. Mom, we're hungry. Mom, we're hungry" until I finally got mad and said "Would you stop standing there repeating yourself like a broken record?" The truth is I didn't feel like being interrupted to fix them lunch. Instead I got up and went to the bathroom and when my daughter followed me in there to remind me again they were hungry I said "Go tell your dad."

See, I'm married to Mr. Mom so it's easy for me to put things off on him. What is my freakin' problem? Why can't I just be a normal mother? I live in my own world expecting everything around me just to continue functioning without my help. This has been my pattern my whole marriage. I sometimes wonder why God didn't slap my womb shut years ago. Not that I don't love my kids. I do. I'm just not very good at "mothering" them. I never have been.

I am fascinated with the perfect 50's mom (the Donna Reed, June Cleaver types) because they are so opposite from everything I am. It shames me. Deep down I have much disdain for myself because I can't seem to snap out of my self-centered ways. My husband is by nature a very self-sacrificing person so it goes without saying he's the perfect Dad. There is not much that is self-sacrificing about me so I am constantly in conflict with what I want to do vs. what needs to be done. And guess what? What I want to do usually wins out.

Somebody just slap me and get it over with. I know I'm a pitiful excuse for a mother. If someone had told me years ago how hard it would be I would've given serious thought to having kids. As it was, I had the dream of motherhood just like every other woman and as luck would have it, I was also very fertile. Now here I am 19 years into marriage and 16 years into motherhood and I still feel overwhelmed. It doesn't help that I'm A.D.D. Staying focused is a constant struggle if it's not something that interests me. Right now I have loads of laundry that need my attention but I would rather be doing something fun like blogging.

I remember hearing Dr. Phil say one time that "Life is 90% maintenance." UGH! How true it is and my husband often likes to remind me of it. I subscribe to the mantra that "girls just wanna have fun" but it doesn't seem to be working for me very much. I have managed to alienate my kids to a degree. They're not fooled. I may not say they're an inconvenience but my actions sure show that. My husband has completely disconnected emotionally and I can't blame him. We've even talked about going our separate ways but when it comes down to it, it's not what either of us want. He just says, "I want you to act right". Simple enough if I could only do it.

It's hard to be his gut-wrenchingly honest. I feel like I should win the award for "worst mother on the planet". I have no doubt if I really told other moms how I felt sometimes, they would judge me, especially those supermom types. I envy them. Motherhood comes so easy for them. Why did I get left out? God didn't give me that special "nurturing" gene I needed to be a good mom. Instead I have to struggle against my nature to try and be self-sacrificing and do it with a smile on my face and a pep in my step to boot. Is it any wonder I'm on medication for anxiety?

A Movie Weekend

This has been quite the weekend for movies I must say. I normally don't go to movies because disposable income is not something we have in my house, and we certainly don't have an "entertainment" budget. It's all we can do to afford groceries so going to a movie is a rare treat indeed. Well, this weekend I got to see not one, but two movies. Well technically, Christmas day wasn't "the weekend" but it felt like it anyway.

I've been hankering to see Marley & Me ever since I read the book a couple mos. ago. I have to say I laughed my fool head off at that book. So hard, in fact, that I nearly choked and woke my teenage son up out of the bed. John Grogan just has a way of writing that makes you feel as though you're right there. And with a mind like I've got, I picture everything in living color as it is, so I could visualize every scene which made it all the more hilarious. After that, I knew this was one movie I had to see.

My mother-in-law, who is an avid animal lover, wanted to see it also. So on Christmas day, after she had wrenched her back at the dinner table from laughing too hard and nearly backed out on going, decided at the last minute "Oh what the heck! I'll go." So she, my daughter, and I took off down the road to the theater. That place was packed. We stood in the long line and slowly approached the ticket counter just praying they wouldn't sell out. Finally. We got to the window. "Three tickets for Marley & Me, please". The ticket-seller guy handed us our tickets then promptly slapped a pc. of paper on the window that said the 4:20 show of Marley & Me was sold out.

Behind us all you could hear were groans while the three of us just looked at each other thinking "we almost didn't make it" then we heaved a huge sigh of relief. Had we delayed one more minute getting there we would've missed out for sure and it would've been my MiL's fault. I'm glad she didn't have to bear that load of guilt. As it was, we barely got a seat. Third row from the front is where we ended up. My eyes had to do some serious adjusting and my reading glasses were no help. At least I didn't get a crick in my neck.

The movie starred Owen Wilson and Jennifer Anniston. I mean who can't love them, right? They were as good as I expected them to be. There were many funny moments in the movie and it followed the book pretty good. Of course no movie can ever capture everything you get in a book. It's just not possible, but overall, they did a good job. The hardest part was the end. I already knew what was coming and braced myself. You would've thought going into it I would've had sense enough to grab some napkins, but no. I was too hell-bent on finding a seat to think about my emotional state at the end.

I don't know who cried harder, me or my MiL. My 8 yr. old daughter just kept looking at her grandma, watching her cry. Not something she's used to seeing. I was a little concerned that she might get emotional herself because "My Dog Skip" nearly did her in the first time she watched it, but she held it together pretty good for a little girl who loves dogs. I wanted to break out into the "ugly cry" but some things just aren't proper in public so I just kept wiping and sniffling. If I had a dog I would've surely come home and given it extra love that day. This is one movie I highly recommend. Just make sure you take tissues.

Today it was "The Tale of Despereaux". My daughter had a friend over and being the good mom that I am (I really do try but often fail miserably), I knew we had to get out and do something fun lest I hear "Mom, we're bored" all day long. Luckily my husband had two $10's in his wallet which he gave us begrudgingly and the friend had $20 so that gave us $40 for some afternoon fun.

We first went to the Dollar Tree for snacks. I know that's probably unethical, but I can't bring myself to pay those exorbitant theater prices for candy. The girls picked out twizzlers and red hots and twix bars and lemonheads along with two Dr. Pepper's. As for me, I got myself a Diet Pepsi and stopped right there. I didn't even buy one pc. of chocolate. I had already decided on popcorn anyway. I figured that would be better than me filling up on sugar.

We got there in plenty of time and entered by way of Dillards so the girls could do a little shopping. Nothing would do but they had to buy a Webkins. They had the Lil'kins pigs marked down to $5 each which was all we could afford today and still see the movie so they each got one. My daughter got her spending fix so she was happy. On a sidenote, I've discovered that Dillards has the best prices by far on Webkins. Only $12 for the big ones and $10 for the little ones. Everywhere else you will pay $15 and $13. January's pet is the bulldog so we will be going back for that one.

We got our tickets and I paid $5.25 for a medium popcorn. All the other snacks as well as all 3 drinks were stashed in my purse which I had cleaned out right before we left home. When we rounded the corner to find our seats we discovered we were the first ones there. And it remained that way for about 15 minutes. Finally some other folks made their way inside although I was beginning to think we would have the theater all to ourselves.

The movie finally started and I must say the graphics were incredible. The storyline was just okay. I would probably give it 2.5 stars out of 5. The girls seemed to enjoy it and that's the main thing. They especially got tickled when someone behind us let out a big ol' poot. I heard this loud ripping sound, but it wasn't until the girls started giggling like mad that I knew I had heard right. I'm hoping it was the little boy and not his grandpa, although old folks have been known to have trouble "holding it in".

There are lots more movies I would like to see such as "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (mainly because I wanna see Brad Pitt) and "Doubt", about the pedophile priest. That one looks intense. Unless I get a load of money for my upcoming birthday though I will probably just wait until they come out on dvd, like I do everything else. At least this weekend was fun and I shan't soon forget it. Now I'm off to bed.

(((HUGS)))

Southern Mom

Battle of the Bulge

Battle of the Bulge 291.6 is the number that greeted me on the scale this morning when I forced myself to face the mountain. Again. This is a battle I have fought pretty much all my life and I would be lying if I didn't admit to being battle-weary. It just reaches a point sometimes that I don't care anymore. I do but I don't. My teenage son often asks me, "Mom, why are you so fat?" to which I reply "Because I wanna be". At least that's what Dr. Phil would say. The truth is I don't wanna be fat, but my addiction to food (namely sugar) keeps me in an ongoing struggle. It would appear the pleasure of food outweighs the risks I'm taking with my health. And that's not a good thing.

The last time I found myself at this weight my daughter was a year old. I weighed in at 298 and I told myself something must be done. 300 lbs. was my absolute cut-off point. That was over 7 yrs. ago. A friend introduced me to Weight Watchers and for the next year and a half I was diligent. I wrote down everything I ate and carefully kept track of my points. I managed to lose 80 lbs. doing that and although I never reached my goal, it was still a huge accomplishment for me.

I did really well maintaining the weight-loss until we moved to NC nearly 4 yrs. ago. That's when everything changed.I made up my mind that I was tired of dieting and that I wanted weight-loss surgery so guess what? I gave up. I quit watching what I ate and found myself indulging my fleshly appetites on a regular basis. Little by little I just kept gaining weight. I figured why bother dieting if I'm just gonna have surgery? Might as well eat what I want while I can, right? Wrong! Surgery ain't gonna happen, folks. I figured that out a year ago but I just kept stuffing my gullet. And now I am once again faced with what I have done to my body and it ain't pretty, folks.

I had a long heart-to-heart with my husband this morning because I'm supposed to see a cardiologist on Tuesday. I want to cancel the appt. for the sheer fact that I don't want to be faced with what I know is coming. Yet, I can't continue to live in this bubble of denial I've created for myself. Going to the doctor will probably be just the impetus I need to get me heading in the right direction. I won't lie. My flesh is screaming. I bawled my eyes out at just the thought of having to climb this mountain yet again. Yes, food has that much of a hold on me. Why is change so hard?

The question I have to ask myself though is "Is it worth it?" My marriage is in the ditch. Not because I'm fat, but because I don't try. When it comes to DJ, I put forth no effort and that, my friends, is a huge turn-off to my husband. He has never demanded or even expected a perfect body from me. All he wants to see is effort and a willingness to try. Instead I've been more concerned about my next piece of cake or chocolate while my sex-life has become non-existent. It's sad to admit that food has been more important to me than a relationship with my husband, the most important man on earth to me. I miss the intimacy we once shared... the connection we once had. I believe we can get it back again because deep down we still love each other. I just need to change. That's all there is to it.

With the new year on the horizon I have made a decision to start with baby steps. The first one being to cut out refined sugar. Oh, just saying that puts a knot in my stomach even now. I feel my chest tightening with anxiety at the mere thought. I will be 44 yrs. old on January 11th and this will be the first year I don't get a cake. I have told my husband in lieu of a cake I want a fruit salad. At this point I am no different than an alcoholic going through rehab. I simply cannot allow myself to indulge in the white stuff because it will set me back. I am convinced sugar is just as much a drug as heroine or cocaine, only it's legal. What have I done to myself? Detox is the only answer and for me it will have to be cold turkey. There is no other way. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

(((HUGS)))

Southern Mom

8:30:00 PM