A prodigal daughter

Another year has dawned. I can hardly believe we're 9 years into the new millenium. My baby girl was born in the year 2000. Where has the time gone? And according to Nastradamus and the anciet Mayan prophecies we don't have much of it left.

In December of 2012 it will supposedly all come to an abrupt end when the earth turns over on its axis (or Jesus may split the sky). Not that I live my life by what someone prophecies, but it sure gives one pause if you stop and consider the day in which we live and all that's happening in the world, not to mention the Bible itself.

I know we can't sit around twiddling our thumbs waiting for Gabriel's trumpet to sound while we stockpile food for the tribulation. We must occupy until He comes, living each day as if it's our last, yet still planning for our future. My future doesn't look so bright on my current course which is why I must make some changes. Not the usual slap-a-bandaid-on-it kind of changes and hope it goes away, but the kind of changes that actually dig deep like a roto-rooter. I'm talking the kind that digs out the muck and the mire of my life. I need transforming change that only God can bring.

I'll be honest. In the last 4 years I have strayed. I allowed anger, hurt, and bitterness to steal from me what I always held so precious, which was my relationship with God. Although God has never let me down, I still managed to get angry with Him. As a result, I threw the baby out with the bathwater and said "forget it". Now here I am with my life in complete mess. Oh, on the surface everything looks normal. Nobody would suspect that things are off-kilter just from observing me. I'm certainly not out living some wild life of sin. I've simply strayed. And my heart has become hard.

Why am I confessing all this on my blog? Well, for starters, I crave authenticity. In myself and in others. I believe half the problem with church-folks, in my experience, is they can't be real. Gotta keep up those appearances. To admit struggle is to admit weakness, and anything less than 100% victory simply isn't acceptable. I get it though. People live on the surface because they fear being judged or rejected. I can't do that anymore. I just can't. I recall a scripture that says "confess your faults one to another and pray for one another, that ye may be healed". So consider this my confessional.

I cannot change what I won't acknowledge. Dr. Phil says that and I believe it's so. Denial has kept me trapped in a cycle of failure for too long now. I have failed with my weight. I have failed in my marriage. I have failed with my kids. I have failed with my God. These are four pretty major areas if you ask me. It's time to change course. The road I'm headed down will only lead to heartache. I see that now. Changing on my own is not an option. It's not even possible. "When I am weak, He makes me strong." A dear friend reminded me of that today and I needed to hear it.

What it all boils down to when you cut to the chase is "apart from Him (Jesus) we can do nothing". I have to come home. I have to return to my first love. I have to quit trying to figure everything out in my head. Oh the questions that have plagued my mind these past few years. That has been my biggest obstacle. I wanted answers to the hard questions and guess what? They didn't come. Instead I'm left with trusting God which is what He wanted in the first place. I will just have to accept that in this life I can't know or understand everything there is to know.

Today I find myself so grateful that God remains faithful to us even when are faithless. I believe God is calling this wandering sheep home. I've been gone long enough. I know change is never easy, but I believe with God all things are possible. Before I can even start the transforming process I had to take this step first. Otherwise, it would have been futile. Consider this my homecoming. January 1st, 2009. The day DJ turned around and headed back to her Father's house. Just like the prodigal son of old, except in this case it would be the prodigal daughter. I will take it one day at a time. Baby steps. And trust that God can bring beauty from my ashes. And your prayers wouldn't hurt either. :)