Peeling back the layers of the Onion...

In recovery there's a process called "taking inventory". That's where I seem to find myself lately. Doing a lot of thinking and digging and soul-searching. A dear friend told me I must exercise "vigorous honesty" and I must confess it is extremely uncomfortable to take a magnifying glass to your soul. To look deep inside. To peel back all the layers of the onion. Who honestly enjoys that? It's painful. It's ugly. It hurts. But I know if I am ever to be healthy and whole as a person it's a process I must go through so I have submitted myself to it, kicking and screaming.

It has been said the only way out of pain is through it. You can't go over it. You can't go under it. You can't go around it. And you certainly can't skip it. So I embrace it knowing there is greater good to come out of it. Not saying God is the source of pain, but He sure will use it to our full advantage if we submit to the process. Afterall, He is the potter. We are the clay. And I imagine those clay ovens get pretty hot. However I know, "when He has tried me, I shall come forth as pure gold."

You can't go through a separation/divorce without thinking about where you went wrong. How you got so far off-track. The saying goes, "Live life with no regrets." While that sounds great in theory, I wonder how many of us actually do that? Today I have been examining myself and I must say I do have regrets. There are so many things that if I could do over, I would. Unfortunately once things are done, they're done. I can't go back and change them. Some lessons are only learned the hard way. ~sigh~

I stopped by the house (I can't even call it mine anymore) to see the kids after work yesterday. I was standing in the kitchen watching Darin cook for the children when he looked up at me. It reminded me of old times when I would stand in that exact spot leaning against the counter and we would talk about our day while he cooked. He instinctively knew something was eating at me. He asked if I'd had a rough day at work. I told him it wasn't really work that was bothering me. I tried to act normal but he knew. He just looked at me with that look he used to give me that said, "Out with it, Jane."

That's when the tears started. There wasn't much I could say really. The kids were there, but I wanted so badly to tell him, "I'm so sorry for all the ways I disappointed you in our marriage. For not being the wife you needed me to be. For not being the mother I should have been. For not being the partner I could have been." Now it's too late. I can't undo 20 years. So I grieve the loss. Regrets? Yes, I am chockful of them.

For those of you who are married, I beg you don't let the "little foxes spoil the vine". Listen to your partner. Love them. Respect them. Put them first. Show affection and tenderness towards them. Don't let little things fester into big things. It has been proven that the number one killer of intimacy in a marriage is anger and resentment. I know because I have lived it. I lived in an emotional divorce for years before we ever decided to go our separate ways. Certainly we tried to find our way back to each other, but we were two ships lost at sea. We simply couldn't find our way back to safe harbour.

Don't let things get so far gone in your marriage that you can't find your way back home. Hug your spouse daily. Kiss them. Try to remember the 10-second rule. It works. I promise. (And yes, we did try it a few times.) Tell them how much you appreciate them. Don't focus on their negatives. Remember why you fell in love with them. I'm no marriage expert (obviously), but they say hindsight is 20/20. I can attest to that.

I used to adhere to the old adage, "Love conquers all." It doesn't. I used to think great marriages just happened. They don't. I never realized how much work it took to have a healthy relationship. It does. So I admonish you to do whatever it takes to keep those fires burning. My marriage is over. The fire went out years ago. Darin and I have both made the choice to move on. And for those of you who want to sit in the seat of judgment, just remember you haven't walked in our shoes. We have made our decision and we will live with that choice. So. Moving right along...

While I was there I found out Ashton's Sr. proofs had come in so I asked to see the pictures. When Darin handed me the proof-book I totally lost it. Ashton looked so handsome it literally took my breath away. I ran to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I looked through each picture through my tears feeling so proud of my son, yet at the same time feeling nothing but regret and sorrow. Regret for the years I've lost. Sorrow for the relationship we do not have. Shame for not being the mother I should have been.

Mothers, I'm telling you now through my tears and pain to love your kids and sacrifice for them while they're young. Yes, it can be hard and rigorous and emotionally-trying, but I'm living proof that if you don't do it you will eat the fruit of it when they're older. And it will not be sweet. Today I eat the bitter fruit of regret and it tastes something awful. All I can do now is hope and pray that one day God will turn things around and have mercy on me and restore what I've lost.

21 years ago before I was married, let alone a mother, it was "prophesied" over me that I would have "much sorrow concerning children, but that the Lord would turn it around for His glory." At the time I had no clue what that could mean so I put it on the shelf. Now I know what it means. I don't think anything or anyone can make a mother's heart feel so much love and so much pain like that of their own children. Thank God I know the healer of broken hearts though. I am clinging to the last part of that "word". That God will turn it around for His glory and bring something beautiful out of the ashes of my life.

Now you see why I have been doing some serious inventory of my life. I believe so much of our dysfunction as human beings stems from the hurt and pain of childhood. So many things get buried in the recesses of our mind as we grow up that we just forget, but our inner child never forgets. It takes a lot of self-examination and vigorous honesty to dig down deep. I believe God wants His children healthy- spirit, soul, and body. Oftimes we focus on our spiritual lives and our physical bodies, but we forget all about our soul- the emotional part of us that shapes so much of who we are and what we do. If one part of us is out-of-whack, it throws everything off-kilter. We must have balance in our lives to be healthy. And that, my friends, is what I'm striving for.