My Dream Pet

Up until a few years ago I would not have considered myself a cat-lover, however, that all changed when I caught sight of a Ragdoll Cat that belonged to a friend of mine. He literally took my breath away with his piercing blue eyes and beautiful markings which they're all known for. I guess you could say it was love at first sight. I had never even heard of Ragdolls until then, but my interest was piqued and I had to find out more. Once I learned more about them I decided then and there that one day I would own a Ragdoll. Oh, and did I mention the going price is $800 from a breeder?

Here's what I found out from the Ragdoll cats info site:

Ragdoll cats get their name from their tendency to go limp when picked up
or held. Ragdolls have a sturdy, imposing frame with soft, medium length fur in
different shades of brown and gray. Ragdoll cats are very affectionate and
friendly.

They easly take to new people and co-exist with other animals, including
dogs and children. It could take your Ragdoll four to five years to fully
mature; however, adult males weigh anywhere from 12 to 20 pounds and the females weigh 10 to 15 pounds.

Ragdoll cats are one of the least aggressive and calmest breeds of domestic cat and posses a warm, affectionate disposition. Your Ragdoll cat may greet your visitors at the door and follow them around your home like a puppy; in fact the breed has many dog like traits, such as fetching toys and loyalty to their owners.

Because of the Ragdoll’s laid back nature they should be kept as strictly
indoor cats as they may not defend themselves from aggressive animals. Their
trusting nature could also lead to theft by stranger so always keep your Ragdoll
inside.

Ragdoll cats are smart and are able to learn tricks easily making the
breed a favorite at many cat shows. The large frame tends to make them slightly
clumsy; however, they remain playfully energetic; if you’re looking for a large,
gentle playful cat, Ragdoll Cats is the breed for you.

Well, I thought my day had finally come after Salem was killed a couple weeks ago. After contacting several breeders I quickly figured out I wouldn't be going that route. So I started looking up rescue sites. After two days of intense searching I came across petfinders.com in Charlotte, NC. That is where I found the beautiful cats you see above. On the top left and middle is Bella. She is available for adoption through the SPCA for only $150! A steal for that breed. On the left is Greg with his eyes closed (who names a cat Greg I ask you?) and he is available for adoption through The Humane Society for $150 also. If he was mine I would name him Sebastian.

I found out yesterday they were both still available and I just knew it was my lucky day until my husband put the kabash on it. Allergies. I never dreamed it would be that big a deal since Salem lived in our house for three years. There were times he complained about allergies but it's not like he was having asthma attacks or anything. Since he seldom complained about it, I just figured we would get a replacement for Salem. No big deal, right? Wrong.

Much to my grave disappointment, it was not to be. Can I just tell you how angry I was? I was so angry, in fact, I contemplated moving out of the house so I could have those cats. I wanted both of them so desperately I would have figured out a way to make it happen. Have you ever been obsessed with something? Well, I was obsessed with those cats. They are all I've thought about this week. I had some birthday money saved which would've almost paid for one of the cats and the agent I work for said she would've bought the other one for my birthday. When she told me that I cried.

For two solid years I have dreamed of owning my very own Ragdoll. It was my secret plan once Salem was gone you see. I never really bonded with Salem because for the most part, she was anti-social. She had been a feral cat and was rescued by our neighbor. Eventually she found her way over to our house until we could no longer deny her entrance so that's how she came to be ours. In my mind she was always the "make do" cat. I cared about her but she was not my dream pet like the Ragdoll. And now my dream has been shattered. But in the grand scheme of things I suppose my marriage is more important than owning a Ragdoll (or two) so I've decided to just live with it. In the meantime I get to love on our neighbor's cats who live outside. And once again, "make do".

Stuffed full of cake

Yesterday was my birthday and I am stuffed slap full of cake. One cake is normally enough for any birthday, but I lucked out and got two. On Sunday, my kind husband made me a Mississippi Mud cake, thanks to a recipe from my old college roommate (thanks Carissa). He also made a big pot of chili and some cornbread to go with it. We ate dessert first. Just kidding.

Today at work I walked in my office and there on my desk sat a delightful strawberry cake that looked very similar to the one above. We have a cake lady in town named Joretta who makes the best cakes you ever put in your mouth. Everything from key-lime to orange/pineapple to hershey bar and beyond. Today was strawberry day. That was the one cake of hers we had never had so I requested it. That's one advantage of working at the Randolph Co. Farm Bureau. When your birthday rolls around, you get to request your favorite Joretta cake. My Lord and My God. It was amazing. Between the two cakes, I have committed straight-out gluttony, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I am now 44 yrs. of age although my husband and son like to say I'm 45. They do it just to push my buttons. Normally I wouldn't be so touchy about my age, but when you've officially hit your mid-40's you suddenly want time to slow down. I'm not sure where the past 20 years went exactly. In my mind, I will forever be 24. That was the year I got married and officially became a woman. My mama used to always tell me "the older you get, the faster time flies" and I believe her.

I was greatly encouraged at book-club the other night when an older, retired lady told us the older you get, the less you fear death. I hope that's true. Not that I fear death, in and of itself, just the manner in which I might die and the age I'll be when it happens. Everybody expects to live to a ripe old age and see their grandchildren grow up. My husband and I have always said we want to grow old together so we can sit on the front porch and rock, sipping on iced tea (except I don't like iced tea so it'll have to be ice water I suppose) and reflecting on our lives together. One day I shall have a house with a wrap-around porch. At least that's my dream anyway.

I guess now that my birthday is officially over I need to get back on the wagon and start focusing on losing this weight that's saddled itself around my mid-section. If I could just take a knife and hack off my loose skin I would lose 30 lbs. immediately. Or maybe I should just join Weight Watchers. Less risk for death that way. I still think they're the best thing going because they teach you how to eat sensibly while using moderation. And isn't that really the key to weight-loss anyway? Lord knows stuffing two cakes down your gullet in the space of two days isn't gonna help matters. And no, I didn't eat two whole cakes, but I definitely put a dent in them. It's a good thing birthdays only come round once a year.

Oh, here's the Mississippi Mud recipe:

Cake:

1 C chopped pecans

1 C butter4 oz. semisweet chocolate, chopped

1 1/2 C all purpose flour

2 C sugar

4 large eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

3/4 tsp. salt

1 (10.5 oz.) bag miniature marshmallows

Frosting:

1/2 C butter

1/3 C unsweetened cocoa

1/3 C milk1 (16 oz.) package powdered sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

Place pecans in a single layer on a baking sheet. Bake at 350 for 8-10 min. or until toasted. Micorwave 1 C butter and semisweet chocolate in a large microwave safe glass bowl at HIGH 1 min. or until melted and smooth, stirring every 30 seconds. Whisk sugar and next 5 ingredients into chocolate mixture. Pour batter into a greased sheet cake pan. Bake @ 350 for 20 minutes. Remove from oven and sprinkle evenly with marshmallows; bake 8-10 more min. or until golden brown. Drizzle warm cake with chocolate frosting, and sprinkle evenly with toasted pecans.To make frosting, stir together first 3 ingredients in a med. saucepan over med. heat until butter is melted. Cook, stirring constantly, 2 minutes or until slightly thickened; remove from heat. Beat in powdered sugar and 1 tsp. vanilla at med. -high speed until smooth.

Announcing January's book

Tonight was the first official bookclub meeting for "Southern Charm Bookclub". We discussed December's book, "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom and mutually agreed had we been put in that situation we might not have been as gracious and giving as the Ten Boom family. They literally put their lives on the line to help hide Jews during the holocaust. I honestly don't know if I could have done it which is why I admire them so much. I know how selfish I am.

I have never heard of a family more giving and loving than this one. They truly had servants' hearts, something that is sorely lacking in today's society, myself included. Faith was a huge part of their lives and helped get them through some unfathomable circumstances. If you've never read this book, do yourself a favor and read it. This was actually my third time reading it and I never tire of it. It long ago claimed the title of "DJ's all-time favorite book ever." And if DJ loves it. So will you. Especially if you're a person of faith who happens to love history.

Now on to January's book, "The Glass Castle". This is a memoir. We've decided to stick with memoirs this whole year. We all agreed that real life is so much more interesting. Don't get me wrong. I love me some fiction too. There ain't nothing better than escaping into a world created out of someone's imagination, but I can read fiction on my own time. I had been seeing this book pop up on best-seller lists for awhile now so that's usually a good sign, unless it's on Oprah's bookclub list, that is. I guess you could say her literary tastes and mine.... uh... run crossways. I've heard this book is being made into a movie. Here's an editorial review from Amazon.com for your convenience:

Jeannette Walls grew up with parents whose ideals and stubborn nonconformity were both their curse and their salvation. Rex and Rose Mary Walls had four children. In the beginning, they lived like nomads, moving among Southwest desert towns, camping in the mountains. Rex was a charismatic, brilliant man who, when sober, captured his children's imagination, teaching them physics, geology, and above all, how to embrace life fearlessly. Rose Mary, who painted and wrote and couldn't stand the responsibility of providing for her family, called herself an "excitement addict." Cooking a meal that would be consumed in fifteen minutes had no appeal when she could make a painting that might last forever. Later, when the money ran out, or the romance of the wandering life faded, the Walls retreated to the dismal West Virginia mining town -- and the family -- Rex Walls had done everything he could to escape. He drank. He stole the grocery money and disappeared for days. As the dysfunction of the family escalated, Jeannette and her brother and sisters had to fend for themselves, supporting one another as they weathered their parents' betrayals and, finally, found the resources and will to leave home. What is so astonishing about Jeannette Walls is not just that she had the guts and tenacity and intelligence to get out, but that she describes her parents with such deep affection and generosity. Hers is a story of triumph against all odds, but also a tender, moving tale of unconditional love in a family that despite its profound flaws gave her the fiery determination to carve out a successful life on her own terms. For two decades, Jeannette Walls hid her roots. Now she tells her own story. A regular contributor to MSNBC.com, she lives in New York and Long Island and is married to the writer John Taylor.

I've also spent the past two months poring over book lists on Amazon and reading reviews. I have amassed quite a list of "wanna read books". I don't take this stuff lightly. Books intoxicate me. Seriously. I can just see them on-line and I start salivating. And law me, if I walk through a bookstore... well. Forget about it. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I could literally spend hours. Did you hear me? Hours. Walking up and down the aisles of a bookstore perusing through books. I actually fantasize about being able to walk in the store and lay down a few hundred dollars to buy whatever I want.

As it is, I go to the library for my books. I have actually learned how to use my library's on-line system to look up books so when I find one on Amazon I want to read, I just log-on to the Randolph County Library site and type in the book-title. Most of the time they have what I'm looking for, but there are many times they don't. What do I do in that case? I'll tell you. I march myself up to the reference desk the next time I'm there, and ask them if I can put in a "purchase request". Since I've learned I can do this, the library has bought every book I've asked for. I'm in heaven. It's like being able to buy the book for free.

I actually typed up a list of 52 must-read memoirs that I will post separately for those who are interested. I realized later that's one book for every week of the year. If a book gets less than 4 stars on Amazon I don't even consider them. I learned the hard way after I pressed through "The Poisonwood Bible" many moons ago (all 576 pages) that I would never again waste time reading a book that I didn't "love". There are too many great books just waiting to be read. Now I give a book the first 50 pages, maybe 100 if I think there's potential. After that, if I'm not captured by it I slam it shut and move on. Next!

Recently I had a rash of books all in a row like that. Books that I saw on various best-seller lists so I thought they must be good if they're getting all that buzz. NOT. I'm sure curiosity is getting the best of you by now. Okay. I'll list the books I never finished: The Plague of Doves (confusing), The Lace Reader (dragged), The Thirteenth Tale (sorely lacking), Peace Like a River (slow), The Good Earth (boring). Folks, let me tell ya. The best-seller list does not a good book make. Read the customer reviews. That will tell the tale. Or you can just ask me. :)

Temper Tantrums

As much as I hate to admit it, I have seen my daughter do this exact thing on many occasions. I mean literally fling herself into the floor and proceed to kick and scream and cry like it's the end of the world. Normally I just walk out of the room and refuse to give her an audience. Reasoning with her when she's in that state certainly doesn't work. That would be like trying to reason with a stampeding bull who's got his sights set on you. At that point all you can think to do is run as far away as you can, because saying "Here, nice bull" would be certain suicide.

I don't recall ever doing this as a child. Temper tantrums never entered my mind. For one thing I knew I would get my butt tore up. I'm not sure I fully comprehend why children do this. Obviously because they're angry. Duh! Or to get attention. Or to manipulate. I'll admit I'm usually the first to give in to my daughter when she whines because I want her to hush. That has probably been my no. 1 flaw as a parent. Letting my kids get away with unacceptable behaviors such as smarting off and name-calling. My teenager is so far gone there's no way to change it now. However, my daughter is another story. I believe I still have time to turn this around.

This week I actually grounded her from her Wii and the computer. When she persisted in giving me "attitude" I then grounded her from watching TV. This was only supposed to last one day. Well, last night I caught her playing with her handheld Nintendo and told her to put it up. She was testing me and I knew it. She just kept right on playing, insisting it wasn't a video game. I kept insisting it was. She then claimed she had to "save" her spot but in reality, she had turned off the volume and was still playing. This my son, Evan, revealed to me when he walked up behind her.

So you know what I did? I walked over and took it from her. Then I told her she was now grounded for two more days for disobedience. Oh, she tried to play me alright. Begged for another chance which is normally when I would buckle and give in, but not this time. I have got to gain some respect or she will be absolutely incorrigible as a hormonal teenage girl. Perish the thought! I have some inkling of what's coming because she is a clone of her teenage brother, personality-wise. Add to that the emotions of a female and what I've got on my hands is what could potentially become a monster.

Now in public you would never know she was anything other than a sweet, charming, beautiful little girl. She charms everyone she meets, teachers and parents alike. She's popular in school and has lots of friends. I'm thankful for that at least. The last thing I need is a "problem child" so-called. I just want her to be as beautiful inside as she is outside because as my mama used to always say, "Pretty is as pretty does." How do you teach a child inner-beauty though? It's beyond me... especially when they are given to anger, jealousy and a smart-mouth?

If she and my oldest were natured like my middle child, parenthood would be an absolute piece of cake. Instead, I have two choleric children that pretty much run all over me and I can't really blame them because I've allowed it all these years. Why did I allow it? Because truthfully, I was a lazy parent and didn't wanna "deal with it". It was always easier to "give in" to them which is the price I paid to have some peace. Now I'm really paying for it. And believe me, they know how to "work me" to get what they want. Even my teenager could charm the scales off a rattlesnake.

I know I can't be the only mom out there who deals with these issues. I would just love to know how to turn it around before my 8, almost 9, yr. old turns into the diva from hell. I think I'm on the right track with grounding her and actually "dealing" with her attitude and smart-mouth for a change rather than ignoring it. I am determined to "stick to my guns" this time although I know she will try to charm me. Be strong, DJ. You can do this. Now if I can just be consistent so that (as Dr. Phil says) she will be able to predict with 100% accuracy the outcome if she engages in certain behaviors, I will have it made. Pray for me that I'll endure to the end.

R.I.P. Salem

Today is a sad day. We had to bury our beloved cat, Salem. She had been with us nearly 4 years. When we first moved to NC, she came over from next door. Our neighbor takes in cats and Salem was just one of many she had rescued. Salem wasn't a social creature. She didn't like being with the other cats. She had once been a feral cat and was crippled. Left that way from former abuse. She walked with a limp. She was special.

We first noticed her hanging out in our windows watching us with those gorgeous green eyes of hers. It didn't matter what part of the house we were in, she would find us. It used to freak me out a little bit to look up and there she would be in the window, gazing longingly at me as if to say "Please let me in". I had never been around cats so I didn't realize how much they liked to hang out in windows. This went on for many, many months until the seasons changed. We couldn't bear the thought of her being out in the cold so we gave in. We let her inside our house and into our hearts.

She was very skittish at first. If we made the least little noise or came around the corner suddenly she would run away, scared to death. It took about a year, but she finally learned to trust us. I remember the first time she jumped on my lap. I was sitting on the couch watching TV. She let me pet her for a few minutes then hopped down and ran off. Over time, I found her in my lap a lot more often. She loved being rubbed. It was as if she knew she was really loved and I think she loved us, too.

Like any good pet-owner, we made sure her shots were always up-to-date and that she had plenty to eat and drink. Unlike most cats, Salem hated anything seafood-related. I thought all cats loved tuna and salmon. Not our Salem. She loved country cookin'. One of her favorite meals was "country-style dinner" in the can. We usually fed her dry food so when she got canned food it was a real treat. She also loved those cat-treats called "temptations". I don't know what was in those little nuggets but she gobbled them up as if her life depended on it.

I remember the first time we bought them. My husband hid them up in the cabinet to keep Salem out of 'em. Just like an alcoholic, she had a true addiction once she got a taste of 'em. Needless to say, keeping her out of the "temptations" was quite a challenge after that. One morning Darin went to get them and they were gone. I mean the whole bag had simply vanished as if into thin air. Now how a bag could disappear from the third shelf of a cabinet was beyond us, but we suspected Salem was behind it.

Darin started searching the house and after a few minutes came back with the bag in hand. Turns out Salem had gotten up in the cabinet overnight afterall. How she managed to get the cabinet open in the first place, let alone climb to the third shelf is beyond me, but as they say, "where there's a will, there's a way." She had hidden the bag of tasty treats underneath our son's bed in the far back corner where she thought it would be safe. BUSTED! Darin confronted her with the evidence and she knew she was guilty. She always had this way of slinking out-of-sight whenever she did something wrong.

When Salem adopted us (I say that because we had no intention of taking in a cat) she was around 5 yrs. of age so she had already had quite a life. From the best we can tell, she was a Russian Blue although I'm sure not a purebred. She had been fixed so we didn't have to worry about her getting pregnant. Our main objective was to provide her with a loving home which we did for over 3 yrs. She lived in our house until 2 mos. ago at which time we had to put her out.

She began having intestinal troubles and instead of using her litter-box she would just let it loose on the floor beside the litter box. Well, after cleaning up her poop every day for a month we got tired of it and had no choice but to put her out for obvious reasons. We have a screened-in porch so we set her up like royalty with a nice big, comfy bed inside a box with a heat lamp hanging above it. We know how much cats hate the cold so that was the least we could do with winter coming.

The guilt was overwhelming at first. She didn't understand why she had suddenly been put out of her home and would cry at the door to come back in. A few times she even got desperate and clawed the door with all her might at which time we would have to reprimand her. If we opened the door even a peep, she would run inside like she still owned the place. It was so pitiful to see her like that, but we simply couldn't deal with her crapping all over the floor. Finally, after a month she realized she wasn't coming back inside and seemed to get quite comfortable in her new domain.

Last night Darin noticed she wasn't on the porch but figured she was out exploring as cats are known to do. He left the screen-door cracked and figured she would come back when she got hungry. This morning when she still wasn't on the porch he knew something was wrong. He got in the car and as he was backing out he noticed something gray laying across the street in our neighbor's yard. He got out and walked across the road only to find Salem dead. She had laid there all night in the soaking rain. She died alone. There was no bloody mess. The only thing out of order was her jaw. It appeared to have been broken. We figure a car hit her and she wandered about 30 feet until she fell over and died.

Unfortunately, my daughter saw Salem like that. She was the only one up with her Dad. Me and the boys were still in bed. Darin bagged Salem up. He couldn't bear the thought of throwing her in the trash like common garbage. No, she would have a proper burial. I was awakened with the news when Averi came and crawled in my bed crying that Salem was dead. I couldn't believe my ears. Not Salem. Surely this can't be so. But it was. When Ashton got up he went outside with his dad and dug the hole for her grave. Averi tucked in a note that said, "We will love you forever." And it's true. Salem will always be in our hearts. Rest in peace, sweet Salem girl.

Grocery Shopping

Saturday is always grocery day around my house. Normally my husband does the shopping in the wee hours of the morning. Like literally when the doors open at 7:00 am he's there along with the other 3 regulars who normally show up. Obviously these people are on a routine like my husband. Today dear husband didn't show up though. He is grappling with a bout of sciatica and has been down in his back since New Year's Day.

Try as I might to get him to take some Ibuprofen for the pain, he refuses. It's not that he's trying to be some big man of faith either. He just says he doesn't wanna be "altered". That he needs to see how his back feels in it's natural state. My reply to that assinine comment was "Well, after 3 days I think you know. Now take your medicine." But like a typical man, he persists in being stubborn and suffering through.

In case you're wondering why Darin does the shopping and not me, well, I'll tell you. I've always done the grocery shopping. Before we had children we both went. After kids came, I went. Sometimes with kids in tow. Other times, not. I have always had a pattern of not staying within the budget though. Honestly? I flat out hate budgets. For years this has caused friction between us. He tells me how much I can spend and I always go over. My standard answer is usually, "Well, this is stuff we needed."

Then for awhile he got really smart and put me on "cash-basis only". Obviously that worked because if I went over I had to put items back. It was always so humiliating to ask the cashier to take items off, especially when there was a line behind me. As much as I hated that plan, it did work, but for some reason he got tired of having to count out the cash each month so we went back to the checkbook. And once again I reverted to my old ways of going over budget. In my mind I was justified, but in his mind I was disrespecting him after he took the time and effort to figure it all out. I never understood how he felt disrespected. I still don't, but to keep the peace he took over the grocery shopping earlier this year and I was stripped of my dignity. Just a reminder of one more thing I can't do right.

Let me tell you why it was so hard. A typical budget for us can be anywhere from $110-130/week. Now for a family of five, especially in today's economy, that doesn't go very far I assure you. I used to get downright angry about it, but as Darin often reminds me "This is just where we're at right now. It is what it is so deal with it." I have finally come to accept it but I sure don't like it. Today was a test. I had to do the grocery shopping. I took the calculator along with me so I could add it up as I went. That really helped. I also had a list. That also helped.

My daughter being with me didn't help because she wants everything she sees. Not to mention we had just come from a birthday party and she wanted to go home because she was tired. It was a gymnastics party and she had practiced her back handspring over and over and over again until she was wore slap out. She won't do it on her own yet. She has to be spotted, even if it's just a finger stuck behind her back. Her confidence level isn't quite where it needs to be yet for her to take off flipping on her own.

So with her worn out we proceeded into Bottom Dollar anyway. I wasn't about to waste gas taking her home then turning around and going back. I grabbed my list and my calculator and away we went with Averi going into meltdown mode beside me. She is a first-class whiner let me tell ya. In fact, she's a veritable Jekyll and Hyde. She can be the sweetest, most charming girl when she's with other people but you get her alone with me and she turns into queen diva barking out commands. It's not pretty. Then when I dared to pop her on the arm to get her quiet she announced in a loud voice that I was abusing her. The child doesn't have a clue what abuse is. She is spoiled rotten and it's all my doing. Yet another area I must work on. But I digress. Back to the shopping.

Today the budget was $130 and I was determined to stick with it. I want nothing more than to make my husband proud and to prove to him I can actually follow the rules (as much as that goes against my natural grain). I was going along just fine, marking out my list and adding as I went. I had just grabbed the lunchmeat (ham and turkey) when Averi said to me, "Mom, did you see that man back there dressed up like a woman?" (Oh no. Here we go.) I had practically rubbed shoulders with him/her and didn't even notice.

When I turned around to get a glance, sure enough there stood a black man dressed in a woman's sweater and jeans and high heels with a purse slung over "her" shoulder. It didn't help matters that under that sweater were some little boobie buds beginning to grow. I told Averi to quit gawking and just continued to shop. That's when I turned around and caught her peeking around the oatmeal display for one more look-see. I was mortifed. Thank God he/she didn't look over Averi's way or I would've had to disown my child. In our small town that's just not something you see everyday so I understood her curiosity but at the same time I don't want her gawking at people who are different.

We finally finished up the shopping and although I didn't get every single thing on the list (substituted with some things NOT on the list) I managed to stop at $135. Now for me, that is an accomplishment. I knew Darin wouldn't be mad if I only went over by $5. For the first time in a very long time I was able to drive home with groceries in tow knowing I wouldn't have to listen to him nag about money for the next 30 minutes. It was a huge load off my shoulders. After I unloaded them and put everything away he came up to me, gave me a hug and a kiss (more like a peck but I'll take it) and said, "I appreciate you staying in the budget. I was expecting there to be issues when you got home." Who knows? He might even let me take over the grocery-shopping again. :)

Southern Charm Book-Club

I've always wanted to belong to a book-club so I decided to start my very own. It's called "Southern Charm". Of course. What else would it be since I was a girl raised in the South? I have been working on it for 2 mos. trying to round up other readers as well as get the time, the date, and the place to meet set. Now it's finally here and I haven't even read the book yet. Well, I have. But it was about 5 years ago. I plan to read it again before we meet on Thursday. If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it.

It's my all-time favorite book about the life of Corrie Ten Boom whose family rescued and hid Jews during the holocaust until they were eventually caught, arrested, and sent to a concentration camp. Her story is harrowing and difficult to read at times, but it's also one of the most inspiring stories I've ever heard. It made me count my blessings while at the same time asking myself how I would have handled such hardship? Warning: if you read it, keep tissues handy. That's all I'm gonna say.

I'm really looking forward to discussing this book with the other ladies. We will meet the first Thursday of every month in the conference room at the Randolph County Library from 7:00-8:30. I believe it will be a hearty discussion and that our group will grow as word spreads. For now we have decided to stick with memoirs. I can read fiction on my own time. I just find real life so much more fascinating. If you live in my area and love to read, then consider this an invitation to join us. Hope to see you there.

A prodigal daughter

Another year has dawned. I can hardly believe we're 9 years into the new millenium. My baby girl was born in the year 2000. Where has the time gone? And according to Nastradamus and the anciet Mayan prophecies we don't have much of it left.

In December of 2012 it will supposedly all come to an abrupt end when the earth turns over on its axis (or Jesus may split the sky). Not that I live my life by what someone prophecies, but it sure gives one pause if you stop and consider the day in which we live and all that's happening in the world, not to mention the Bible itself.

I know we can't sit around twiddling our thumbs waiting for Gabriel's trumpet to sound while we stockpile food for the tribulation. We must occupy until He comes, living each day as if it's our last, yet still planning for our future. My future doesn't look so bright on my current course which is why I must make some changes. Not the usual slap-a-bandaid-on-it kind of changes and hope it goes away, but the kind of changes that actually dig deep like a roto-rooter. I'm talking the kind that digs out the muck and the mire of my life. I need transforming change that only God can bring.

I'll be honest. In the last 4 years I have strayed. I allowed anger, hurt, and bitterness to steal from me what I always held so precious, which was my relationship with God. Although God has never let me down, I still managed to get angry with Him. As a result, I threw the baby out with the bathwater and said "forget it". Now here I am with my life in complete mess. Oh, on the surface everything looks normal. Nobody would suspect that things are off-kilter just from observing me. I'm certainly not out living some wild life of sin. I've simply strayed. And my heart has become hard.

Why am I confessing all this on my blog? Well, for starters, I crave authenticity. In myself and in others. I believe half the problem with church-folks, in my experience, is they can't be real. Gotta keep up those appearances. To admit struggle is to admit weakness, and anything less than 100% victory simply isn't acceptable. I get it though. People live on the surface because they fear being judged or rejected. I can't do that anymore. I just can't. I recall a scripture that says "confess your faults one to another and pray for one another, that ye may be healed". So consider this my confessional.

I cannot change what I won't acknowledge. Dr. Phil says that and I believe it's so. Denial has kept me trapped in a cycle of failure for too long now. I have failed with my weight. I have failed in my marriage. I have failed with my kids. I have failed with my God. These are four pretty major areas if you ask me. It's time to change course. The road I'm headed down will only lead to heartache. I see that now. Changing on my own is not an option. It's not even possible. "When I am weak, He makes me strong." A dear friend reminded me of that today and I needed to hear it.

What it all boils down to when you cut to the chase is "apart from Him (Jesus) we can do nothing". I have to come home. I have to return to my first love. I have to quit trying to figure everything out in my head. Oh the questions that have plagued my mind these past few years. That has been my biggest obstacle. I wanted answers to the hard questions and guess what? They didn't come. Instead I'm left with trusting God which is what He wanted in the first place. I will just have to accept that in this life I can't know or understand everything there is to know.

Today I find myself so grateful that God remains faithful to us even when are faithless. I believe God is calling this wandering sheep home. I've been gone long enough. I know change is never easy, but I believe with God all things are possible. Before I can even start the transforming process I had to take this step first. Otherwise, it would have been futile. Consider this my homecoming. January 1st, 2009. The day DJ turned around and headed back to her Father's house. Just like the prodigal son of old, except in this case it would be the prodigal daughter. I will take it one day at a time. Baby steps. And trust that God can bring beauty from my ashes. And your prayers wouldn't hurt either. :)