The End of my Marriage

I honestly never thought I would see the day that I would post a blog about the end of my marriage, but sadly, that day is here. I also know this is going to come as a complete shock to many of my friends, but after 20 yrs. of marriage Darin and I have decided to go our separate ways. It all came to a head a month ago, although it's been heading in this direction for several years.

I moved out Sept. 5th. The kids are with Darin. We will not uproot their world just because it was my choice to leave. Don't think I made the choice lightly. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I cried buckets for 4 days during that week he & I were making this decision. Needless to say my world is spinning. His world is spinning. This man was my best friend. I thought we would grow old together. It was not to be.

I have purposely waited a month before posting anything although some of you may have noticed my very obvious status change on Facebook to "single". I appreciate all the private emails of encouragement I have gotten. Believe me, when you go through something like this it feels like a death. I keep finding myself asking is there life after divorce? If any of you have lived through it and found happiness again, please post your comments. I would love to hear your story. I need all the encouragement I can get.

I have never felt so displaced or disconnected from anything and everything in my life. I find myself in limbo-land and it's scary as hell to be honest. Darin was my world for years. My rock of gibralter. Yes, we were polar opposites but that seemed to work for us for many years. It seemed the longer we stayed together though, the less entertaining it was and the more frustrating it became. I've always heard how couples can grow apart, and I often wondered how that could happen. Now I know.

Oh, it was nothing major. Not the usual "deal-breakers" in a marriage like drugs, alcohol, porn, adultery, or financial stress. In our case, it was the "little foxes that spoiled the vine". Our emotional-bank account went empty for years. Needs unmet. Wants ignored. Dreams unfulfilled. Wishes not granted. Finally, it took it's toll.

Everything changed when we moved to NC 4.5 yrs. ago. For many years we were involved in church-work so it was easy to slap a bandaid on our issues and "walk in love" like we had been taught. However, once we got in an environment without religion to hide behind, all the junk floated to the surface. There was no more slapping a bandaid on it.

Darin describes his side as "one day the light went out". He fell out of love with me and we lost our connection. He begs to differ with me on the definition of "love" but I say there is a distinct difference between loving someone and being "in love". Yes, I know love is a choice. And for years we made that choice although we were both unhappy and frustrated. We were still committed to each other and to our kids. We talked about separating many times but when it came down to it, neither of us could actually do it.

I suppose sometimes it's just more convenient to stay miserable in your marriage rather than rock your world. I had resigned myself to living in a loveless, sexless marriage at least until the kids finished growing up but recently I had an epiphany. I realized that this is not how marriage should be. Living like two roommates. I also realized that I deserve more and Darin deserves more so why continue to beat a dead horse?

I know many of you who know us may be wondering why we aren't "believing God" for our marriage and all I can say to that is when it's over, it's over. Neither one of us have the emotional or spiritual energy to expend on the marriage. We had 20 years together. Neither of us consider it a waste. If nothing else, we produced three beautiful children. It's simply time to move on.

We were two totally different people 20 years ago. We had a very strong spiritual connection in addition to being best friends. And yes, we did love each other. But life came along and over time, all that changed. We grew apart. Dreams changed. Goals Changed. Life Changed. We Changed. The good part of all this is that we are still friends. I've heard it said there's no such thing as an amicable divorce, but I think Darin and I just might pull it off.

On Friday we will sign the separation agreement. In NC you have to live separately for one year before a divorce is granted. It all still seems so surreal. Like it's happening to someone else. Although I have accepted it, I still have good days and bad. There are times I feel as though I could have a fullblown panic attack just thinking about my future and all the "unknowns". Thank God for Effexor is all I can say. It keeps me steady. That and my faith. I know none of this took God by surprise. He's still the same God that has guided me my whole entire life. I don't expect Him to abandon me now.

I plan to take this next year of my life to work on Donna Jane. To figure out why my marriage failed and how not to make the same mistakes again. I prayed a prayer about 5 years ago that God would make me healthy- spirit, soul, and body. I have been amazed as I look back over my journey the past several years at how God has answered that prayer. It has been said, "Be careful what you pray for. You just might get it." I can attest that this much is true. Right now I feel as though I'm a caterpillar locked away in my chrysalis, but in time I shall emerge a beautiful butterfly. Just hide and watch.