Little Victories

So often when we think of "victory" we think of winning big battles and while that is exciting I want to focus on what it means to win the often-overlooked "little victories" in our lives. Most of you who have kept up with my blog know what I'm going through with the demise of my 20-year marriage. If that isn't enough to throw one for a loop, I don't know what is.

But here's what I want to say about that. My life is not over. God is not finished with me yet. This did not catch Him by surprise. Everything God ever invested in me is still there. God has not changed His mind about me, nor has He cast me aside to wallow on the spiritual junkheap forever. God will bring beauty from the ashes of my life just as He will for anyone who puts their trust in Him.

I know it's human nature to look for the spectacular. We love it when God shows out big in our lives. But what about the small, everyday things that we tend to overlook? Just because something may seem mundane or insignificant doesn't mean it's any less "God". Remember when Elijah went before the Lord because the Israelites were acting a fool and Elijah began throwing himself a big pity-party saying, "I am the only one (prophet) left and now they are trying to kill me, too." Look at what happened next in 1 Kings 19:11-12(New King James Version):

11 Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And
behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains
and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in
the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.

As human beings we do not like to go through pain. Nobody relishes tests, trials, and tribulations yet if you live long enough you will find out that pain is a part of life. No one is exempt. It's during these times that we usually cry out to God for deliverance, but instead we are met with the same thing God spoke to the Apostle Paul when he cried out for deliverance from his "thorn in the flesh". God said in II Cor. 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I don't know about you, but my reaction to something like that would've probably been, "Uh God. That's not what I wanted to hear. I want you to take this pain away so I can go about enjoying my life." Guess what? God cares more about our character than He does our comfort. Once Paul realized that he was able to say,

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses (why is it that we usually try to hide our weaknesses from others? Paul boasted about his), so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses (did you catch that? DELIGHT he says), in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Let me tell you about some of my weaknesses and the little victories I've been able to win this past week. For starters, I have been working on getting healthy- spirit, soul, and body. I believe exercise is something good I can do for my body to shed these unwanted pounds that have saddled themselves around my mid-section for years now. I made up my mind a week ago that I needed to start walking.

Now let me just tell you do I feel like going to the track after a long day at work and forcing myself to walk 2 miles? No. I don't. I would much rather go home and flop down on the couch and relax. But flopping down on the couch and relaxing isn't helping me reach my goal to get this weight off so I walk. And when I'm finished with those 2 miles, blisters and all, I feel good. I feel really good. However small it may seem to some, that is a little victory for me.

Another little victory I won this week was the battle of the Pumpkin Spice donuts. My roommate and I had seen the Krispy Kreme commercial on TV and I won't lie, it made my mouth water just seeing those things flash across the screen in all their pumpkin spice glory. I was flat-out lusting after those things.

If the truth be told I could eat a whole dozen glazed donuts right by myself and not bat an eye. Yes, I certainly could. I've never actually done it, but I must confess I have eaten 8 in one sitting. For a food-addict like me, it doesn't get any better than Krispy Kreme donuts let me tell ya. But guess what? When I came home and saw them sitting on the kitchen counter calling my name, I walked away. Another little victory.

Then if that wasn't enough, I walked into the kitchen at work the very next morning and there on the table sat Bojangles Blueberry Biscuits thanks to my friend, Tonya. I peeked in the box and boy, did my mouth water. For a second I was oh-so-tempted but I had to tell myself, "Self, you do not need that biscuit. Your health can't afford it." So I fixed my coffee and quickly got out of that kitchen. The old me would've eaten that biscuit, perhaps both of 'em. Yet another little victory.

I think perhaps the best victory of all is that in the midst of all this mess, I have found myself returning to my first love. That, in and of itself, is worth any pain I've gone through. I cannot tell you what it has done for me to get my spiritual house back in order. When God is first in our lives, it just does something for our perspective on life. I once again find my security in Him, not people.

When I left my husband I found myself wanting to cling to people for security, but not only is that not healthy, it's not prudent. People will let us down. Our confidence must be in God and God alone, and when that happens we will find the security we so desperately seek. It is true that He will never leave us nor forsake us. I learned that afresh this week. Another little victory.

God is constantly working in our lives "both to will and to do of His good pleasure". Even in the midst of pain. No, especially in the midst of pain, He is there. He is working. If you're going through hell in your life right now just know that God really has your back. He has not left you. And what doesn't kill you really will make you stronger. This may be a hard pill to swallow but I leave you with this in James 2:2-4:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not
lacking anything." Then in vs. 12 we are told, "Blessed is the man who
perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test (not quit the test),
he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love
Him."

Remember, God is not always in the spectacular. He is in the still, small voice. The mundane. The insignificant. The details. Sometimes even a dog named Shadow. Earlier this week I was in terrible emotional pain to the point that I had to leave work. I simply could not stop crying. When I got home I crawled in the bed and the only prayer I could pray at that point was, "God, please just hold me."

Next thing I knew little Shadow, the beagle, had jumped up on the bed beside me desperately trying to get to my face which I was covering with my hands because I was sobbing so loudly. Well, not to be deterred from her mission (she is a hound-dog after all) she finally rooted her way underneath my hands and started licking my tears. It was at the moment I knew God was holding me through that silly little dog. It was at that moment I knew everything was gonna be alright.

The fact is God loves each and every one of us and He cares about what we're going though. So I admonish you to look for those little victories in your own life and you will find your strength increasing and your confidence growing. That's not to say you won't have doubts or that you won't make mistakes along the way, but when that happens just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember who you are. God's favorite child. His beloved. His bride.

Hitting Rock Bottom...

And before you think it, No, this is not a pity-party. This is about that thing in life known as hitting rock bottom. We often hear of this in terms of people with addictions. It is a commonly-held belief that before people can truly get help and start on the road to recovery they must hit "bottom". In other words, have every crutch knocked out from underneath them which usually involves losing something or someone near and dear to them.

Sad to say many who find themselves in this place end up committing suicide while still others use it to turn their lives around. I totally "get" why someone in this place might want to die. It is a scary, dark, lonely place that feels extremely hopeless. It is very easy to fall into despair and self-pity especially when there is no support around you, whether that be due to abandonment or geographic location. The fact is we, as human beings, need each other. Nobody can walk the road to recovery alone.

I have found myself on this road due to the demise of my marriage. I have truly hit rock bottom and reality is starting to sink in. I had a couple of "freak-out" days this week where I crawled up in my pity-pot and started with the "woe is me" stuff. That never benefits anybody especially the person throwing the party. While I do appreciate all the love, support, and encouragement from my Facebook friends, it ultimately falls to me to make the choice to put on my big girl panties and walk through this. I will be the first to admit I have pretty much lived in diapers and a bib most of my life.

I have an addictive-personality and while drugs and alcohol have never been my vices, religion and food were so the same principles apply. I happened to marry a very codependent man who was more than glad to "take care" of me throughout most of our marriage. It met a need in him and to be honest, it met a need in me. I liked being taken care of. It eschewed me of responsibility if Darin was always there to clean up my messes and pick up the pieces. Unfortunately, he got burnt out after years of that. It's no wonder his love for me died. I can't blame him. I take full responsiblity for my part in the destruction of our relationship.

The truth is, folks, I have "ishahs". (That's another way of saying "issues.") I have some serious work to do on Donna Jane. And believe you me, I have looked for every crutch I could find to keep from having to face this alone, but when it comes down to it God has seen to it that every crutch has been removed or withdrawn. Imagine with me a racetrack if you will. In the old days, I would have wanted someone to pull me behind them in a wagon while they did all the work. Now I find myself on the track with no wagon, just my own two feet. It's up to me to run this race while my family and friends cheer me from the sidelines. Nothing wrong with support. We all need it, but they can't do it for me.

I am just now accepting this reality after six weeks of separation. It hit me hardest this week when Darin informed me I can no longer participate in our family traditions with the kids such as our annual pumpkin carving this weekend or Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. The fact that I can't be a part of "the family" the way it used to be hurt me deeply. He says I have to start my own traditions with the kids. Let me just tell you that was a hard pill to swallow. Add to that I've had a month to learn how to make a budget, to set up bill-pay, take my car to the shop for an oil-change and put air in my tires. All stuff Darin used to do. That may seem silly and minor to many of you, but to me it's a major life-change. It's Donna Jane growing up at age 44. Finally.

I won't lie. I've had to fight some serious anxiety today. It just hangs in my chest and moves up to my throat like a lump trying to overwhelm me and there have been tears, but I just kept telling myself, "You can do this. One day at a time. God is with you. He won't let you fail. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." It takes a lot of positive self-talk to pull yourself out of the pit and I'll be honest, it goes against our flesh sometimes. (Well, most of the time if we're honest.) But somehow in the midst of our pain and our struggles we have to find the inner-strength that, (for me) comes from God, and be our own cheerleader.

If nothing else, in the midst of this mess, I find myself turning back to God and that is the silver-lining in all this. I have been a lost sheep for several years trying to find my way home. I'm reminded of how Jesus left the 99 to go after the one. He loves me enough to pursue me even if it means allowing my world to fall apart. Sometimes we're hard-headed and we only learn the hard way. I have always been "God's Girl" even from a young child. Who was I kidding to think He would ever let me go? God is passionate about His children.

Lately I'm reminded of the verse "He who has begun a good work in you shall perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." I even dreamed about it last week. I gave up my God-dreams 4.5 yrs. ago when we moved to NC. I put them on the shelf never to take them off again. In fact, I told God, if this "supposed call" You've put on my life is real then you will literally have to drop it (ministry) in my lap because I'm done. You see, I had made the mistake for over 20 years of "pursuing ministry" rather than pursuing God. And God, (I believe) in His mercy pulled the religion rug right out from under me, but that's another blog for another time.

I found out today that my church is starting a divorce recovery class in November so guess who will be there? Yours truly. I feel that right now it would be the best thing for me especially now that I'm just starting to go back to church after a 2 yr. break. I want to be a healthy person for myself, first and foremost, then for my kids and finally, any future relationship I might be blessed to have again, whether that be with Darin (by some miracle of God) or another man altogether. Ultimately I just want God's best for dj and I believe I can have it.

For now I just want everyone to know that I'm starting to believe it when people tell me I will be okay. That I will make it. Does that mean no more meltdowns? I'm sure not. But in the middle of those meltdowns I will just remind myself of the old hymn, "There are many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand." After all, I'm God's favorite child, and that's how we all should feel.

The Love of a Dog...

Man's best friend. The Dog. I've always heard about the unconditional love of a dog, but having never grown up with a dog of my own I didn't realize what I was missing out on. Until now. Enter Shadow. That's the Beagle belonging to my roommate. She looks exactly like the dog on the left-side of this picture. 30 lbs. of solid mass. Nothing but a big ol' love-a-lump I tell you. And I adore her.



When I moved in last month she was so excited to meet me. It wouldn't have mattered if I was some ragamuffin come dragging through the door, she accepted me instantly. With her paws pressed against my legs and her tail wagging violently she greeted me, and nothing would do but that I reach down and pet her. No sir. She would not be denied.



Later that night as I sat on the couch she stood at rapt attention next to Amber just watching me with those big, auburn eyes; waiting for any type of acknowledgment from me. The minute I gave it she came running at me like a linebacker then landed with a thud on my lap like a big sack 'o taters. This scene played out no less than 10 times that first night and has continued to repeat itself every night since. I finally figured out if I put a blanket over my legs I wouldn't get scratched.



I have also been bruised and nearly licked too death since then, but I love her kisses in spite of her doggy-breath. They tickle which in turn, makes me giggle. Every night she showers me with them, most especially after I've eaten bacon and eggs. Last night as I lay across the couch she pounced upon me and nearly gave me the Heimlich Manuever. Lord knows with Shadow-girl around my lovetank will stay perpetually full. I didn't realize how empty I was till it started filling up again. Who knew the love of a dog could be such therapy to the soul?




I didn't grow up with pets. When I was really young we had a yard dog named Lady, but about all I remember is her running up and down the fence row, barking and digging holes. Then one time at age 5 I was given a puppy, a mutt, which I named Butterball. I still have a picture somewhere of me holding him. Unfortunately, Butterball didn't live long. He ran out in the road and got killed. That was the end of me having pets. I guess my parents figured I wouldn't be able to withstand any more heartbreak.



I've always loved animals. I often find myself watching those dog shows on TV or learning all about being a pack-leader from Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer. My daughter inherited that same love from me. Unfortunately during most of my marriage we never had pets because Darin is highly allergic to pet dander. However, when we moved to NC a cat from next door took up with us and eventually we had mercy on her and let her come inside to stay. She affected Darin's allergies but not enough to cause concern. However, when she died this past January he put the kabash on any more pets in the house. That nearly broke mine and Averi's heart. I was determined to get a Ragdoll cat and Averi was determined to get a dog of her own, neither of which happened.

Now that I'm on my own I have promised Averi that if she comes to live with me one day, she can have a dog and I will have a Ragdoll. In fact, I wouldn't mind having two or three dogs and a few horses thrown in for good measure, too. Averi and I went so far one day as to fantasize about all the animals we would have if we lived on a farm. ~sigh~ Everything from pot-bellied pigs to pygmy goats to lop-eared bunnies in addition to the dogs and cats and horses. LOL! Who knew I was such a country girl at heart?

Right now though, I find myself grateful for the unconditional love of a dog. For Shadow-girl. No wonder they are called "Man's Best Friend." She keeps my love-tank filled. And right now in my life, that is a good thing. A very good thing. And thank you, Amber, for sharing her with me for a little while.

Peeling back the layers of the Onion...

In recovery there's a process called "taking inventory". That's where I seem to find myself lately. Doing a lot of thinking and digging and soul-searching. A dear friend told me I must exercise "vigorous honesty" and I must confess it is extremely uncomfortable to take a magnifying glass to your soul. To look deep inside. To peel back all the layers of the onion. Who honestly enjoys that? It's painful. It's ugly. It hurts. But I know if I am ever to be healthy and whole as a person it's a process I must go through so I have submitted myself to it, kicking and screaming.

It has been said the only way out of pain is through it. You can't go over it. You can't go under it. You can't go around it. And you certainly can't skip it. So I embrace it knowing there is greater good to come out of it. Not saying God is the source of pain, but He sure will use it to our full advantage if we submit to the process. Afterall, He is the potter. We are the clay. And I imagine those clay ovens get pretty hot. However I know, "when He has tried me, I shall come forth as pure gold."

You can't go through a separation/divorce without thinking about where you went wrong. How you got so far off-track. The saying goes, "Live life with no regrets." While that sounds great in theory, I wonder how many of us actually do that? Today I have been examining myself and I must say I do have regrets. There are so many things that if I could do over, I would. Unfortunately once things are done, they're done. I can't go back and change them. Some lessons are only learned the hard way. ~sigh~

I stopped by the house (I can't even call it mine anymore) to see the kids after work yesterday. I was standing in the kitchen watching Darin cook for the children when he looked up at me. It reminded me of old times when I would stand in that exact spot leaning against the counter and we would talk about our day while he cooked. He instinctively knew something was eating at me. He asked if I'd had a rough day at work. I told him it wasn't really work that was bothering me. I tried to act normal but he knew. He just looked at me with that look he used to give me that said, "Out with it, Jane."

That's when the tears started. There wasn't much I could say really. The kids were there, but I wanted so badly to tell him, "I'm so sorry for all the ways I disappointed you in our marriage. For not being the wife you needed me to be. For not being the mother I should have been. For not being the partner I could have been." Now it's too late. I can't undo 20 years. So I grieve the loss. Regrets? Yes, I am chockful of them.

For those of you who are married, I beg you don't let the "little foxes spoil the vine". Listen to your partner. Love them. Respect them. Put them first. Show affection and tenderness towards them. Don't let little things fester into big things. It has been proven that the number one killer of intimacy in a marriage is anger and resentment. I know because I have lived it. I lived in an emotional divorce for years before we ever decided to go our separate ways. Certainly we tried to find our way back to each other, but we were two ships lost at sea. We simply couldn't find our way back to safe harbour.

Don't let things get so far gone in your marriage that you can't find your way back home. Hug your spouse daily. Kiss them. Try to remember the 10-second rule. It works. I promise. (And yes, we did try it a few times.) Tell them how much you appreciate them. Don't focus on their negatives. Remember why you fell in love with them. I'm no marriage expert (obviously), but they say hindsight is 20/20. I can attest to that.

I used to adhere to the old adage, "Love conquers all." It doesn't. I used to think great marriages just happened. They don't. I never realized how much work it took to have a healthy relationship. It does. So I admonish you to do whatever it takes to keep those fires burning. My marriage is over. The fire went out years ago. Darin and I have both made the choice to move on. And for those of you who want to sit in the seat of judgment, just remember you haven't walked in our shoes. We have made our decision and we will live with that choice. So. Moving right along...

While I was there I found out Ashton's Sr. proofs had come in so I asked to see the pictures. When Darin handed me the proof-book I totally lost it. Ashton looked so handsome it literally took my breath away. I ran to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I looked through each picture through my tears feeling so proud of my son, yet at the same time feeling nothing but regret and sorrow. Regret for the years I've lost. Sorrow for the relationship we do not have. Shame for not being the mother I should have been.

Mothers, I'm telling you now through my tears and pain to love your kids and sacrifice for them while they're young. Yes, it can be hard and rigorous and emotionally-trying, but I'm living proof that if you don't do it you will eat the fruit of it when they're older. And it will not be sweet. Today I eat the bitter fruit of regret and it tastes something awful. All I can do now is hope and pray that one day God will turn things around and have mercy on me and restore what I've lost.

21 years ago before I was married, let alone a mother, it was "prophesied" over me that I would have "much sorrow concerning children, but that the Lord would turn it around for His glory." At the time I had no clue what that could mean so I put it on the shelf. Now I know what it means. I don't think anything or anyone can make a mother's heart feel so much love and so much pain like that of their own children. Thank God I know the healer of broken hearts though. I am clinging to the last part of that "word". That God will turn it around for His glory and bring something beautiful out of the ashes of my life.

Now you see why I have been doing some serious inventory of my life. I believe so much of our dysfunction as human beings stems from the hurt and pain of childhood. So many things get buried in the recesses of our mind as we grow up that we just forget, but our inner child never forgets. It takes a lot of self-examination and vigorous honesty to dig down deep. I believe God wants His children healthy- spirit, soul, and body. Oftimes we focus on our spiritual lives and our physical bodies, but we forget all about our soul- the emotional part of us that shapes so much of who we are and what we do. If one part of us is out-of-whack, it throws everything off-kilter. We must have balance in our lives to be healthy. And that, my friends, is what I'm striving for.

"Bootstrap Jane"

Today was one of those days that my world felt like it was spinning out of control much like a tornado. I have those about once a week lately. I've noticed when that happens it's usually in direct correlation to my thoughts which were definitely not of the positive variety. All I could manage to think about were the "unknowns" and the "what if's?" Before I knew it I had worked myself into a tailspin of anxiety.



I think I know somewhat how Peter felt when he stepped out of the boat to walk on water. The storm was raging all around him and the minute he took his eyes off Jesus he began to sink. Well, I must confess today I had me a good, old-fashioned "sinking spell". Yeap, I got down and wallered in the muck and mire of self-pity for awhile, somewhat like I imagine a pig to do when they burrow down in the mud. But guess what? I felt none the better for it. In fact, I only felt worse the more I allowed those thoughts to run willy-nilly through my head like so many headless chickens run amuk.
In case you're wondering why I was having such thoughts, it has been one month since I moved out of the house. These kinds of decisions are life-altering to say the least. For those who have been through it, you know exactly how I feel. For those who haven't, just pray you never do.

Today I was feeling especially insecure about my future. For those of you who don't know, the number 1 need of a woman is to feel secure, just like the no. 1 need of a man is to feel respected. Now that I no longer have a husband to take care of me I feel rather naked and exposed. It's unnerving to feel so disconnected when you've just spent the last 20 years of your life being connected to one man.

I hardly know what to do with myself. I want something to cling to. Something to sink my teeth into. Somewhere to land. A soft place to fall. I want security. I want to feel protected. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel cherished. Will I ever have that again?

After having a complete meltdown during my lunch hour I had to come back to work and pull myself up by the bootstraps. Just call me "Bootstrap Jane". It finally dawned on me that worrying about all the unknowns ain't helping me one iota. That's when I decided to grab hold of my thoughts and counteract them with things I truly believe about myself such as:

I'm charming

I'm intelligent

I'm beautiful

I'm spiritual

I'm emotional

I'm funny

I'm sexy

I'm strong

I'm compassionate

I'm a child of God. (And for the record, He promised to never leave me or forsake me.)

Let me just tell you in case you haven't figured out this little tidbit of info yet. Dwelling on the future before it gets here is just "borrowing trouble" as a dear friend reminded me recently. Since our perceptions color our realities I had to make the conscious choice to stop dwelling on the negative.

I think your prayers probably helped. I felt them today. I went from turmoil to peace in a matter of minutes this afternoon while sitting at my desk pondering. Who can explain the peace of God? You really can't. But when you experience it, you know it. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will leave you with this. It is true that the battlefield of the mind is where our greatest battles are won or lost. So for today I have made the choice to dwell on the positive. All I can do is take one day at a time just like Jesus admonished us in the book of Matthew. Easier said than done, I know, but it can be done. And with that, I share with you this passage of scripture. Perhaps it will help someone else besides me today.

The Cure for Anxiety: Matthew 6:25-34 (NASV)

25"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to
what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will
put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
26"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor
gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth
much more than they?
27"And who of you by being worried can add a
single hour to his life?
28"And why are you worried about clothing?
Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,
29yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed
himself like one of these.
30"But if God so clothes the grass of the
field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not
much more clothe you? You of little faith!
31"Do not worry then,
saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for
clothing?'
32"For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your
heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33"But seek
first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to
you.
34"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.