TaLeS oF a SoUThErN mOm

My weight-loss journey (so far)

2009-11-29T13:21:00.000-05:00

With the holidays upon us I realize this is the time of year when most people gain an average of 8 lbs. however I am determined to lose at least that much, if not more. As most of you know who know me, I have battled weight most of my life. Many of you fight the same battle. The only time I was a normal size was in my teens and 20's up until I got pregnant with my first child then it was all over. I have spent the past 17 years fighting the battle of the bulge and mostly letting it win.

The truth is I did not believe I was worth the effort so I just resigned myself to being fat. It was easier to eat then to deny myself what I considered one of my few pleasures in life. Afterall, food tastes good. Let's just admit that right now. However, anything done in excess becomes harmful. Instead of eating to live, I lived to eat.  A hallmark sign of a food addict of which I am. It took admitting that to myself before I could really deal with my core issues. I believe that is what has made the difference "this time".

Diets don't work. They simply do not.  Sure, they provide a quick fix in that they deal with the symptoms and you can certainly lose weight by "dieting". However, most people gain their weight back and then some because they stop dieting. They don't deal with the core issue of why they eat which more likely than not, is rooted in food addiction. Let's face it.  Refined sugar (the other white stuff) is like a drug in its own right.  The more you eat it, the more you want it. And I should know because I was the queen of the sweet tooth.

Unlike drug or alcohol addiction, food is not something we can live without, therefore I have come to the conclusion that food addiction has to be managed on a daily basis if it is to be conquered. And I even say that with caution because I realize addiction is something you don't just "get over". You have to make daily choices that either contribute to your recovery or contaminate your recovery. It is literally a one-day-at-a-time proposition.

So what motivated me this time? I will tell you. My children did. At least that's what got me started down this road. I was tired of being an embarrassment to my kids. My oldest son has spent his entire life with a fat mom. In spite of my promises over the years to "lose the weight" I never managed to do it. At least not all the way. Now here he is in his Sr. year of HS and I thought, "If I could lose the wt. this year and actually go to his graduation a perfectly normal size then I will have succeeded in keeping my promise to him" even if it is "a day late and a dollar short".

Furthermore, I have two more children who are approaching their teen years and I do not want them going thru middle and high school ashamed of their mother. It was a big wake-up call to me when Evan refused to let me attend his 6th grade orientation in August. When I asked him why he simply pointed to my stomach.  Ouch.  The truth hurts. It made me feel good the other day though when I asked him if he could tell I had lost weight and he said yes, then pointed to where my stomach used to be. Ahhh... progress.

With Averi being a girl, I especially worry about her. For starters I don't want her dealing with weight issues the way I did in elementary school. So far she has managed to keep her weight down to normal, but I know unless I model healthy behavior for her she could just as easily end up going down the same road I did. There is too much heartache down that road and if I can spare her that pain, I will do it.

When I started this journey my cholesterol was 233 and my triglycerides were 214. That was in June. In October I went for my yearly physical and to my utter delight, and that of my doctor, my cholesterol had dropped to 183 and my triglycerides to 148. Those are numbers I can live with. In case you're wondering how I have done it I will tell you. There is no magic wand but there are things you can do that will contribute to weight-loss.

The first thing I did was cut out junk-food and bread. I know from past experience that if I want to manage my weight I will have to greatly reduce my carb-intake and increase my protein.  That doesn't mean I never eat carbs. I just choose them wisely. I have also discovered these incredible protein bars at Walmart called "Total Value". They come in 4 flavors: Chocolate Peanut Butter, Smores, Chocolate Deluxe, and Chocolate Chip. $6.62/box for six. I've tried them all and unlike a lot of protein bars, these actually taste really good. I eat them in place of a meal or as a snack because they stick with you and give you about 20 grams of protein per bar therefore you don't get hungry afterwards.

In addition to the protein bars, I eat a lot of raw veggies with deli-sliced chicken and colby-jack cheese on the side or a salad for lunch.  If I want a pc. of fruit or some nuts for a snack later on, I eat it. I figure if it comes from nature it can't be bad for you even if it does contain sugar. At least it's "natural" sugar.  A good rule-of-thumb when in doubt is this, "If you can't pick it or grow it, don't eat it."

I think water is key too. Lucky for me I actually like water. I need to drink more of it. Another big change I made was no eating after 7:00 at night... period. Oh, and walking helps, too, although I need to do more of that as well.  I have greatly reduced the amount of food I eat but the amazing thing is I don't stay hungry all the time like I used to. Get the sugar out of your system and the cravings simply disappear. It's amazing how that works.

I'm embarrassed to admit this but you may as well know that I set a goal to lose 100 lbs. by 7/04/10. How or why I ever let myself get that out-of-control in the first place is beyond me but the good news is DJ is back in control. She is no longer a slave to food. In 5 mos. I am only one lb. away from being halfway to my goal. I am excited that for the first time in my life I have actually set a goal that I know I will reach. This time it's just different, folks. I know I will get there. After that, it will be all downhill from there.

I think the biggest factor in my success is that I am learning to love myself again. I have realized that I am worth the effort to get healthy, to look good, and to be happy. If I don't do it for me, then who will? I have finally learned that I am in charge of my own happiness. Sitting around wallowing in self-pity got me nowhere except more miserable. As overwhelming as 100 lbs. seemed at first I could not let that deter me. It's only a number.

We've all heard it said "God can't steer a parked car." Well, you have to start somewhere. Just take that first step. Just for that day. Then when tomorrow comes, take another step. Just for that day. And as you do this you will start gaining momentum and from there it just gets easier and easier. More than anything though, it's not what you lose that makes the biggest difference. It's what you gain on the inside that will really change your life... self-love, self-discipline, and self-respect. Those are things I can't put a price on, my friends.

Thankful...

2009-11-26T15:14:00.001-05:00

Today I celebrated my 44th annual Thanksgiving and for the first time in my life I was not with family. Nor did I slave away in the kitchen. I was thinking on a day like today I could have been really sad and depressed. I could have thrown myself a big ol' pity party, but the truth is although I am alone, I am happy and content.

The past few mos. have brought about the biggest change of my life. Separation/Divorce is never easy and in the beginning I wasn't sure how or even "if" I would make it. I shed a lot of tears. I felt insecure and afraid, but I am finding out I had a lot more inner strength than I realized. And you know what? In spite of it all, I find myself truly thankful.

Through this ordeal I have reconnected with God. I am learning to trust Him again. I have reconnected with myself as crazy as that may sound. For years I was just lost. Didn't know who I was anymore. I am finally learning to love me again.

I told my daughter that and she said I sounded conceited. I explained to her that if you can't love yourself first, you can't love others. Aside from a relationship with God, the second-most important relationship you will have on this earth is with yourself. Even Jesus told us to "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Self-love is very important if you want healthy relationships. I am learning that out of self-love grows self-confidence, self-worth, self-esteem and self-respect. When you feel these things about yourself, it emboldens you to step out of the boat and do the things in life that make you happy. You start believing you're worth it. For so long I didn't think I "deserved" to be happy. Now I know I do and I am sooo thankful.

They say "your attitude determines your altitude". I've also heard it said "It's not what happens to you in life that matters so much as how you respond to it." Attitude is everything. I am learning that more and more as I go along. Believe me, I have been on both sides of the fence. I know what it is to be negative and I know what it is to be positive. I like positive so much better. There's just something about a positive attitude that draws people to you like bees to honey.

On a sidenote, this morning I was standing at the kitchen window waiting for my coffee to percolate and lo and behold if I didn't look out and see a big, fat redbird sitting on the fence. I love to watch birds, but I have a special affinity for redbirds. I don't know what it is about them but they are just beautiful to me. I must have stood there for 10 minutes entranced and thinking how thankful I was for that moment in time.

Before it was over another redbird had joined him, only this redbird was the other variety with very little red on it actually. I am convinced these two are mates. I actually saw this same pair the other morning as I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. I peeked out the window and there sat Mr. big, fat redbird on the table helping himself to some water that had puddled on the top of it. Within a few minutes his mate landed on the rail nearby. I couldn't help but smile and savor the moment as if it would be the last I would see of them. But no, here they were again today gracing me with their presence.

It made me realize how thankful I am for the little things in life whether it be big, fat redbirds, crisp blue skies, falling leaves, or new beginnings. As hard as life can be sometimes with its ups and downs, joys and sorrows, everything we go through makes us into the person we are. Ever-changing, ever-evolving.

I am so thankful for this exact moment in my life right now. I will never pass this way again so I savor it. I embrace it. I count it as part of the process I must go through to be the person I am becoming. And you know what? I love that person. I couldn't have said that a few months ago. For now I leave you with this:

Be Thankful
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations, for they give you opportunity for improvement.
Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

The Least of These...

2009-11-23T12:42:00.008-05:00

Saturday night I was sitting at home reading a book about elephants in Africa when my phone rang. It was a co-worker who had extra tickets to the Bantum Rooster concert at the Sunset Theater asking me if I wanted to go? For those of you who don't live in Asheboro I'm sure you're thinking "Who is Bantum Rooster?" I will tell you. They are a local band made up of HS and college boys who specialize in oldies rock 'n roll. Well, I had nothing else to do so I thought "why not?" I quickly threw on some makeup, fixed my hair and was out the door in a flash. Headed for a big night out on the town... for Asheboro, that is.

We were able to get front-row seats and quickly settled in for the concert. I had already spotted Randy when I came in the door so I knew we were in for a treat. Randy is one of those unforgettable characters that once encountered, you will never forget. Last year he was the hit of the night when he mosied down front during "Hound-dog" and proceeded to do his very best Elvis imitation. I have never laughed so hard in my life. The gyrations this man did would be enough to land me in the hospital flat of my back in full traction regalia. At the time I don't think most people there realized that Randy was a bit "touched". He is what a friend of mine would call "the least of these". In other words, he's a bit like a child mentally.

Sure enough, about 3 songs into the concert Randy could not stand it another minute. Down he paraded to the front onto the makeshift dancefloor. I mean he put on quite a show. I think the funniest part was when he hiked up his collar and proceeded to unbutton most of the bottons down the front of his Hawaiian shirt. I honest-to-God thought he was gonna do a striptease right then & there, and was mentally preparing myself for him to fling his shirt off. Thank God he didn't go quite that far, but rest assured by that time everyone around me had erupted in laughter including "yours truly".

As I watched this man thoroughly enjoying himself it occurred to me, "Can you imagine going through life like that, with no inhibitions?" Clearly this man had none. In fact, he seemed to enjoy the spotlight, and if I can be so bold as to say it... he "made" the concert what it was. He literally danced his way through most of those two hours. He would no sooner get back to his seat then they would start up another song and back to the front he would go. There is no doubt he must be in tip-top aerobic shape to pull off the dance moves he did, not to mention the man is as limber as Gumby. A contortionist in his own right. Oh, and did I mention this man has to be nearing 60?

Now I am looking forward to the next concert in December. This time Bantum Rooster will be doing "A Rockin' Christmas" for a donation of canned goods at the door. No doubt Randy will be back with more of his dance moves. And this time I will be armed with my camera ready to videotape it. I am looking forward to that as much as I am the concert itself. And I will definitely share it with my friends on Facebook. Everyone needs to experience Randy.

I just wonder what it would be like for one time in my life to lose all inhibitions? I mean to literally throw caution to the wind and just run up there in front of God & everybody and dance my fool head off? Unfortunately, I'm not like Randy though. I dare say most of us aren't. But I would venture to say he probably has a lot more fun in life than we do. Would to God we could all be more like the Randy's of the world, even if just for one night. Life would be a much better place. So in honor of Randy and those like him, here's to "the least of these" who grace our lives with their presence and make life a more loving, enjoyable experience.

To check out Bantum Rooster's music, simply copy and paste the link below into your browswer:

http://www.myspace.com/bantumrooster

The Art of Surrender...

2009-11-16T19:33:00.004-05:00

As Christians, most of us are familiar with the old hymn, "I Surrender All". Can't you just hear the words now?

All To Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely Give.
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all.
I surrender all.
All to thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all.

Yet how many of us truly live a surrendered life? I have to admit that I certainly haven't been. Until lately, that is, and even now I have to make the choice "daily" to surrender. Sometimes hourly. Surrendering my life to God is not a foreign concept to me, but knowing and doing are two different things.

As human beings we love to be in control or at least "think" we're in control when the truth is control is an illusion. Nevertheless, I have always been one who likes to be in control. It gives me a false sense of security. Lately though I have come to the stark realization that Donna Jane is not in control and by always trying to be in control, I keep myself in a near-frenzied state of fear, anxiety, worry, and frustration.

Uh. Not exactly a healthy way to live, folks. And to complicate matters I have to fight an anxiety disorder on top of the normal anxiety that people commonly deal with. That means I have to fight extra hard to combat my thoughts because when you live with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) your mind tends to race. A LOT. In my case, it tends to race ahead to the future, always trying to get out ahead of God and "figure things out". People, let me just tell you if you don't already know. This is an exercise in futility.

We are not meant to know the future. We are meant to live one day at a time and to trust God with our future. I am in a situation now where I have no choice but to trust God. Either that or lose my mind with worry. I choose to trust. I would much rather live in peace and serenity then fear and anxiety. I do this by first of all believing that God's Word is true and that He does have a plan for my life. And it's a good plan... to give me a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11).

Secondly, I make the conscious choice to "take up my cross daily" and follow Him, because sure enough if I don't, I will end up fretting and trying to take back control which only leads to more anxiety. Quite frankly, I'm tired of living life that way. I was thinking about that verse in Luke 9:23 yesterday about taking up your cross and what it meant. (Ironically that was today's "verse of the day" on my Facebook page). It dawned on me that Jesus knew our carnal nature and that it would take a daily act of surrender to trust Him, which is the only true path to peace. And really, what is surrender? It's trust, plain and simple.

I don't know about you, but I am the type who tends to want what I want when I want it which is always "now". But what about when God says "wait?" Or worse yet, when He says "no"? Will we trust Him then knowing He has our best interests at heart? Or like a child will we pitch a fit to get our way or try to "force" something that isn't in our best interest? I love the quote, "God always gives the best to those who leave the choice to Him." I have made up my mind that I want God's best in my life. And I believe I can have it.

Given my circumstances of late, (my separation and pending divorce) I have found myself at a place I never thought I would be. Yet in the midst of my marriage falling apart I am learning some things about myself that I would have never otherwise learned. Now am I saying God caused my marriage to fall apart so I could learn these things? Absolutely not. But I am saying nothing catches God off-guard. He was prepared for this before I was. I am seeing God's hand at work in my life like I haven't seen it in years. So you see? In every dark cloud there is a silver lining if we will look for it.

We are admonished in the scriptures "In everything give thanks for this is the Will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." That means in the midst of whatever it is you're going through, give thanks. Give thanks through your tears. Give thanks through your heartache. Give thanks through your fear. Give thanks through your doubt. Give thanks through your pain. If you have to grit your teeth to do it, then by God, just grit your teeth and do it knowing God will bring something good out of it. After all He promised us He would.

I am on a journey to a good place. I am getting healthy- spirit, soul, and body. I have dealt with a religious addiction for the past 5 yrs. I believe with God's help I am finally getting to a healthy place spiritually. I am currently dealing with a food addiction by dealing with the core issue rather than trying to attack the symptoms through yet another "diet". And guess what? It's working. This weight is falling off me, and for the first time in my life I truly believe (No. I know without a doubt) I will get to a healthy weight and stay there.

My most recent challenge is admitting I'm codependent. When I was first challenged by a friend with this idea I balked. And I continued to balk for 3 mos. until the signs were so "in my face" I could no longer deny it. So I went out and bought the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and boy, have I had my eyes opened. Now I'm on a journey to face and deal with my emotional issues.

I am convinced this is the primary reason my marriage fell apart. I wish I had known 20 yrs. ago what I know now, but the good news is I'm learning. And I'm growing. And I'm changing. All for the better. I am learning to love me again. I am discovering who Donna Jane is and what she needs & wants in life and in a relationship. I plan to do this right next time around. But in the meantime I am learning to "live in the present" and take one day at a time even if I have to pray this every single day:

God, Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things
I cannot change.
Courage to change
The things I can.
And wisdom to
Know the difference.

This, my friends, is the art of surrender.

Little Victories

2009-10-25T12:39:00.005-04:00

So often when we think of "victory" we think of winning big battles and while that is exciting I want to focus on what it means to win the often-overlooked "little victories" in our lives. Most of you who have kept up with my blog know what I'm going through with the demise of my 20-year marriage. If that isn't enough to throw one for a loop, I don't know what is.

But here's what I want to say about that. My life is not over. God is not finished with me yet. This did not catch Him by surprise. Everything God ever invested in me is still there. God has not changed His mind about me, nor has He cast me aside to wallow on the spiritual junkheap forever. God will bring beauty from the ashes of my life just as He will for anyone who puts their trust in Him.

I know it's human nature to look for the spectacular. We love it when God shows out big in our lives. But what about the small, everyday things that we tend to overlook? Just because something may seem mundane or insignificant doesn't mean it's any less "God". Remember when Elijah went before the Lord because the Israelites were acting a fool and Elijah began throwing himself a big pity-party saying, "I am the only one (prophet) left and now they are trying to kill me, too." Look at what happened next in 1 Kings 19:11-12(New King James Version):

11 Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And
behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains
and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in
the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.

As human beings we do not like to go through pain. Nobody relishes tests, trials, and tribulations yet if you live long enough you will find out that pain is a part of life. No one is exempt. It's during these times that we usually cry out to God for deliverance, but instead we are met with the same thing God spoke to the Apostle Paul when he cried out for deliverance from his "thorn in the flesh". God said in II Cor. 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I don't know about you, but my reaction to something like that would've probably been, "Uh God. That's not what I wanted to hear. I want you to take this pain away so I can go about enjoying my life." Guess what? God cares more about our character than He does our comfort. Once Paul realized that he was able to say,

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses (why is it that we usually try to hide our weaknesses from others? Paul boasted about his), so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses (did you catch that? DELIGHT he says), in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Let me tell you about some of my weaknesses and the little victories I've been able to win this past week. For starters, I have been working on getting healthy- spirit, soul, and body. I believe exercise is something good I can do for my body to shed these unwanted pounds that have saddled themselves around my mid-section for years now. I made up my mind a week ago that I needed to start walking.

Now let me just tell you do I feel like going to the track after a long day at work and forcing myself to walk 2 miles? No. I don't. I would much rather go home and flop down on the couch and relax. But flopping down on the couch and relaxing isn't helping me reach my goal to get this weight off so I walk. And when I'm finished with those 2 miles, blisters and all, I feel good. I feel really good. However small it may seem to some, that is a little victory for me.

Another little victory I won this week was the battle of the Pumpkin Spice donuts. My roommate and I had seen the Krispy Kreme commercial on TV and I won't lie, it made my mouth water just seeing those things flash across the screen in all their pumpkin spice glory. I was flat-out lusting after those things.

If the truth be told I could eat a whole dozen glazed donuts right by myself and not bat an eye. Yes, I certainly could. I've never actually done it, but I must confess I have eaten 8 in one sitting. For a food-addict like me, it doesn't get any better than Krispy Kreme donuts let me tell ya. But guess what? When I came home and saw them sitting on the kitchen counter calling my name, I walked away. Another little victory.

Then if that wasn't enough, I walked into the kitchen at work the very next morning and there on the table sat Bojangles Blueberry Biscuits thanks to my friend, Tonya. I peeked in the box and boy, did my mouth water. For a second I was oh-so-tempted but I had to tell myself, "Self, you do not need that biscuit. Your health can't afford it." So I fixed my coffee and quickly got out of that kitchen. The old me would've eaten that biscuit, perhaps both of 'em. Yet another little victory.

I think perhaps the best victory of all is that in the midst of all this mess, I have found myself returning to my first love. That, in and of itself, is worth any pain I've gone through. I cannot tell you what it has done for me to get my spiritual house back in order. When God is first in our lives, it just does something for our perspective on life. I once again find my security in Him, not people.

When I left my husband I found myself wanting to cling to people for security, but not only is that not healthy, it's not prudent. People will let us down. Our confidence must be in God and God alone, and when that happens we will find the security we so desperately seek. It is true that He will never leave us nor forsake us. I learned that afresh this week. Another little victory.

God is constantly working in our lives "both to will and to do of His good pleasure". Even in the midst of pain. No, especially in the midst of pain, He is there. He is working. If you're going through hell in your life right now just know that God really has your back. He has not left you. And what doesn't kill you really will make you stronger. This may be a hard pill to swallow but I leave you with this in James 2:2-4:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not
lacking anything." Then in vs. 12 we are told, "Blessed is the man who
perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test (not quit the test),
he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love
Him."

Remember, God is not always in the spectacular. He is in the still, small voice. The mundane. The insignificant. The details. Sometimes even a dog named Shadow. Earlier this week I was in terrible emotional pain to the point that I had to leave work. I simply could not stop crying. When I got home I crawled in the bed and the only prayer I could pray at that point was, "God, please just hold me."

Next thing I knew little Shadow, the beagle, had jumped up on the bed beside me desperately trying to get to my face which I was covering with my hands because I was sobbing so loudly. Well, not to be deterred from her mission (she is a hound-dog after all) she finally rooted her way underneath my hands and started licking my tears. It was at the moment I knew God was holding me through that silly little dog. It was at that moment I knew everything was gonna be alright.

The fact is God loves each and every one of us and He cares about what we're going though. So I admonish you to look for those little victories in your own life and you will find your strength increasing and your confidence growing. That's not to say you won't have doubts or that you won't make mistakes along the way, but when that happens just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember who you are. God's favorite child. His beloved. His bride.

Hitting Rock Bottom...

2009-10-21T16:50:00.006-04:00

And before you think it, No, this is not a pity-party. This is about that thing in life known as hitting rock bottom. We often hear of this in terms of people with addictions. It is a commonly-held belief that before people can truly get help and start on the road to recovery they must hit "bottom". In other words, have every crutch knocked out from underneath them which usually involves losing something or someone near and dear to them.

Sad to say many who find themselves in this place end up committing suicide while still others use it to turn their lives around. I totally "get" why someone in this place might want to die. It is a scary, dark, lonely place that feels extremely hopeless. It is very easy to fall into despair and self-pity especially when there is no support around you, whether that be due to abandonment or geographic location. The fact is we, as human beings, need each other. Nobody can walk the road to recovery alone.

I have found myself on this road due to the demise of my marriage. I have truly hit rock bottom and reality is starting to sink in. I had a couple of "freak-out" days this week where I crawled up in my pity-pot and started with the "woe is me" stuff. That never benefits anybody especially the person throwing the party. While I do appreciate all the love, support, and encouragement from my Facebook friends, it ultimately falls to me to make the choice to put on my big girl panties and walk through this. I will be the first to admit I have pretty much lived in diapers and a bib most of my life.

I have an addictive-personality and while drugs and alcohol have never been my vices, religion and food were so the same principles apply. I happened to marry a very codependent man who was more than glad to "take care" of me throughout most of our marriage. It met a need in him and to be honest, it met a need in me. I liked being taken care of. It eschewed me of responsibility if Darin was always there to clean up my messes and pick up the pieces. Unfortunately, he got burnt out after years of that. It's no wonder his love for me died. I can't blame him. I take full responsiblity for my part in the destruction of our relationship.

The truth is, folks, I have "ishahs". (That's another way of saying "issues.") I have some serious work to do on Donna Jane. And believe you me, I have looked for every crutch I could find to keep from having to face this alone, but when it comes down to it God has seen to it that every crutch has been removed or withdrawn. Imagine with me a racetrack if you will. In the old days, I would have wanted someone to pull me behind them in a wagon while they did all the work. Now I find myself on the track with no wagon, just my own two feet. It's up to me to run this race while my family and friends cheer me from the sidelines. Nothing wrong with support. We all need it, but they can't do it for me.

I am just now accepting this reality after six weeks of separation. It hit me hardest this week when Darin informed me I can no longer participate in our family traditions with the kids such as our annual pumpkin carving this weekend or Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. The fact that I can't be a part of "the family" the way it used to be hurt me deeply. He says I have to start my own traditions with the kids. Let me just tell you that was a hard pill to swallow. Add to that I've had a month to learn how to make a budget, to set up bill-pay, take my car to the shop for an oil-change and put air in my tires. All stuff Darin used to do. That may seem silly and minor to many of you, but to me it's a major life-change. It's Donna Jane growing up at age 44. Finally.

I won't lie. I've had to fight some serious anxiety today. It just hangs in my chest and moves up to my throat like a lump trying to overwhelm me and there have been tears, but I just kept telling myself, "You can do this. One day at a time. God is with you. He won't let you fail. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." It takes a lot of positive self-talk to pull yourself out of the pit and I'll be honest, it goes against our flesh sometimes. (Well, most of the time if we're honest.) But somehow in the midst of our pain and our struggles we have to find the inner-strength that, (for me) comes from God, and be our own cheerleader.

If nothing else, in the midst of this mess, I find myself turning back to God and that is the silver-lining in all this. I have been a lost sheep for several years trying to find my way home. I'm reminded of how Jesus left the 99 to go after the one. He loves me enough to pursue me even if it means allowing my world to fall apart. Sometimes we're hard-headed and we only learn the hard way. I have always been "God's Girl" even from a young child. Who was I kidding to think He would ever let me go? God is passionate about His children.

Lately I'm reminded of the verse "He who has begun a good work in you shall perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." I even dreamed about it last week. I gave up my God-dreams 4.5 yrs. ago when we moved to NC. I put them on the shelf never to take them off again. In fact, I told God, if this "supposed call" You've put on my life is real then you will literally have to drop it (ministry) in my lap because I'm done. You see, I had made the mistake for over 20 years of "pursuing ministry" rather than pursuing God. And God, (I believe) in His mercy pulled the religion rug right out from under me, but that's another blog for another time.

I found out today that my church is starting a divorce recovery class in November so guess who will be there? Yours truly. I feel that right now it would be the best thing for me especially now that I'm just starting to go back to church after a 2 yr. break. I want to be a healthy person for myself, first and foremost, then for my kids and finally, any future relationship I might be blessed to have again, whether that be with Darin (by some miracle of God) or another man altogether. Ultimately I just want God's best for dj and I believe I can have it.

For now I just want everyone to know that I'm starting to believe it when people tell me I will be okay. That I will make it. Does that mean no more meltdowns? I'm sure not. But in the middle of those meltdowns I will just remind myself of the old hymn, "There are many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand." After all, I'm God's favorite child, and that's how we all should feel.

The Love of a Dog...

2009-10-15T15:10:00.004-04:00

Man's best friend. The Dog. I've always heard about the unconditional love of a dog, but having never grown up with a dog of my own I didn't realize what I was missing out on. Until now. Enter Shadow. That's the Beagle belonging to my roommate. She looks exactly like the dog on the left-side of this picture. 30 lbs. of solid mass. Nothing but a big ol' love-a-lump I tell you. And I adore her.

When I moved in last month she was so excited to meet me. It wouldn't have mattered if I was some ragamuffin come dragging through the door, she accepted me instantly. With her paws pressed against my legs and her tail wagging violently she greeted me, and nothing would do but that I reach down and pet her. No sir. She would not be denied.

Later that night as I sat on the couch she stood at rapt attention next to Amber just watching me with those big, auburn eyes; waiting for any type of acknowledgment from me. The minute I gave it she came running at me like a linebacker then landed with a thud on my lap like a big sack 'o taters. This scene played out no less than 10 times that first night and has continued to repeat itself every night since. I finally figured out if I put a blanket over my legs I wouldn't get scratched.

I have also been bruised and nearly licked too death since then, but I love her kisses in spite of her doggy-breath. They tickle which in turn, makes me giggle. Every night she showers me with them, most especially after I've eaten bacon and eggs. Last night as I lay across the couch she pounced upon me and nearly gave me the Heimlich Manuever. Lord knows with Shadow-girl around my lovetank will stay perpetually full. I didn't realize how empty I was till it started filling up again. Who knew the love of a dog could be such therapy to the soul?

I didn't grow up with pets. When I was really young we had a yard dog named Lady, but about all I remember is her running up and down the fence row, barking and digging holes. Then one time at age 5 I was given a puppy, a mutt, which I named Butterball. I still have a picture somewhere of me holding him. Unfortunately, Butterball didn't live long. He ran out in the road and got killed. That was the end of me having pets. I guess my parents figured I wouldn't be able to withstand any more heartbreak.

I've always loved animals. I often find myself watching those dog shows on TV or learning all about being a pack-leader from Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer. My daughter inherited that same love from me. Unfortunately during most of my marriage we never had pets because Darin is highly allergic to pet dander. However, when we moved to NC a cat from next door took up with us and eventually we had mercy on her and let her come inside to stay. She affected Darin's allergies but not enough to cause concern. However, when she died this past January he put the kabash on any more pets in the house. That nearly broke mine and Averi's heart. I was determined to get a Ragdoll cat and Averi was determined to get a dog of her own, neither of which happened.

Now that I'm on my own I have promised Averi that if she comes to live with me one day, she can have a dog and I will have a Ragdoll. In fact, I wouldn't mind having two or three dogs and a few horses thrown in for good measure, too. Averi and I went so far one day as to fantasize about all the animals we would have if we lived on a farm. ~sigh~ Everything from pot-bellied pigs to pygmy goats to lop-eared bunnies in addition to the dogs and cats and horses. LOL! Who knew I was such a country girl at heart?

Right now though, I find myself grateful for the unconditional love of a dog. For Shadow-girl. No wonder they are called "Man's Best Friend." She keeps my love-tank filled. And right now in my life, that is a good thing. A very good thing. And thank you, Amber, for sharing her with me for a little while.

Peeling back the layers of the Onion...

2009-10-13T18:42:00.012-04:00

In recovery there's a process called "taking inventory". That's where I seem to find myself lately. Doing a lot of thinking and digging and soul-searching. A dear friend told me I must exercise "vigorous honesty" and I must confess it is extremely uncomfortable to take a magnifying glass to your soul. To look deep inside. To peel back all the layers of the onion. Who honestly enjoys that? It's painful. It's ugly. It hurts. But I know if I am ever to be healthy and whole as a person it's a process I must go through so I have submitted myself to it, kicking and screaming.

It has been said the only way out of pain is through it. You can't go over it. You can't go under it. You can't go around it. And you certainly can't skip it. So I embrace it knowing there is greater good to come out of it. Not saying God is the source of pain, but He sure will use it to our full advantage if we submit to the process. Afterall, He is the potter. We are the clay. And I imagine those clay ovens get pretty hot. However I know, "when He has tried me, I shall come forth as pure gold."

You can't go through a separation/divorce without thinking about where you went wrong. How you got so far off-track. The saying goes, "Live life with no regrets." While that sounds great in theory, I wonder how many of us actually do that? Today I have been examining myself and I must say I do have regrets. There are so many things that if I could do over, I would. Unfortunately once things are done, they're done. I can't go back and change them. Some lessons are only learned the hard way. ~sigh~

I stopped by the house (I can't even call it mine anymore) to see the kids after work yesterday. I was standing in the kitchen watching Darin cook for the children when he looked up at me. It reminded me of old times when I would stand in that exact spot leaning against the counter and we would talk about our day while he cooked. He instinctively knew something was eating at me. He asked if I'd had a rough day at work. I told him it wasn't really work that was bothering me. I tried to act normal but he knew. He just looked at me with that look he used to give me that said, "Out with it, Jane."

That's when the tears started. There wasn't much I could say really. The kids were there, but I wanted so badly to tell him, "I'm so sorry for all the ways I disappointed you in our marriage. For not being the wife you needed me to be. For not being the mother I should have been. For not being the partner I could have been." Now it's too late. I can't undo 20 years. So I grieve the loss. Regrets? Yes, I am chockful of them.

For those of you who are married, I beg you don't let the "little foxes spoil the vine". Listen to your partner. Love them. Respect them. Put them first. Show affection and tenderness towards them. Don't let little things fester into big things. It has been proven that the number one killer of intimacy in a marriage is anger and resentment. I know because I have lived it. I lived in an emotional divorce for years before we ever decided to go our separate ways. Certainly we tried to find our way back to each other, but we were two ships lost at sea. We simply couldn't find our way back to safe harbour.

Don't let things get so far gone in your marriage that you can't find your way back home. Hug your spouse daily. Kiss them. Try to remember the 10-second rule. It works. I promise. (And yes, we did try it a few times.) Tell them how much you appreciate them. Don't focus on their negatives. Remember why you fell in love with them. I'm no marriage expert (obviously), but they say hindsight is 20/20. I can attest to that.

I used to adhere to the old adage, "Love conquers all." It doesn't. I used to think great marriages just happened. They don't. I never realized how much work it took to have a healthy relationship. It does. So I admonish you to do whatever it takes to keep those fires burning. My marriage is over. The fire went out years ago. Darin and I have both made the choice to move on. And for those of you who want to sit in the seat of judgment, just remember you haven't walked in our shoes. We have made our decision and we will live with that choice. So. Moving right along...

While I was there I found out Ashton's Sr. proofs had come in so I asked to see the pictures. When Darin handed me the proof-book I totally lost it. Ashton looked so handsome it literally took my breath away. I ran to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I looked through each picture through my tears feeling so proud of my son, yet at the same time feeling nothing but regret and sorrow. Regret for the years I've lost. Sorrow for the relationship we do not have. Shame for not being the mother I should have been.

Mothers, I'm telling you now through my tears and pain to love your kids and sacrifice for them while they're young. Yes, it can be hard and rigorous and emotionally-trying, but I'm living proof that if you don't do it you will eat the fruit of it when they're older. And it will not be sweet. Today I eat the bitter fruit of regret and it tastes something awful. All I can do now is hope and pray that one day God will turn things around and have mercy on me and restore what I've lost.

21 years ago before I was married, let alone a mother, it was "prophesied" over me that I would have "much sorrow concerning children, but that the Lord would turn it around for His glory." At the time I had no clue what that could mean so I put it on the shelf. Now I know what it means. I don't think anything or anyone can make a mother's heart feel so much love and so much pain like that of their own children. Thank God I know the healer of broken hearts though. I am clinging to the last part of that "word". That God will turn it around for His glory and bring something beautiful out of the ashes of my life.

Now you see why I have been doing some serious inventory of my life. I believe so much of our dysfunction as human beings stems from the hurt and pain of childhood. So many things get buried in the recesses of our mind as we grow up that we just forget, but our inner child never forgets. It takes a lot of self-examination and vigorous honesty to dig down deep. I believe God wants His children healthy- spirit, soul, and body. Oftimes we focus on our spiritual lives and our physical bodies, but we forget all about our soul- the emotional part of us that shapes so much of who we are and what we do. If one part of us is out-of-whack, it throws everything off-kilter. We must have balance in our lives to be healthy. And that, my friends, is what I'm striving for.

"Bootstrap Jane"

2009-10-05T15:29:00.010-04:00

Today was one of those days that my world felt like it was spinning out of control much like a tornado. I have those about once a week lately. I've noticed when that happens it's usually in direct correlation to my thoughts which were definitely not of the positive variety. All I could manage to think about were the "unknowns" and the "what if's?" Before I knew it I had worked myself into a tailspin of anxiety.

I think I know somewhat how Peter felt when he stepped out of the boat to walk on water. The storm was raging all around him and the minute he took his eyes off Jesus he began to sink. Well, I must confess today I had me a good, old-fashioned "sinking spell". Yeap, I got down and wallered in the muck and mire of self-pity for awhile, somewhat like I imagine a pig to do when they burrow down in the mud. But guess what? I felt none the better for it. In fact, I only felt worse the more I allowed those thoughts to run willy-nilly through my head like so many headless chickens run amuk.
In case you're wondering why I was having such thoughts, it has been one month since I moved out of the house. These kinds of decisions are life-altering to say the least. For those who have been through it, you know exactly how I feel. For those who haven't, just pray you never do.

Today I was feeling especially insecure about my future. For those of you who don't know, the number 1 need of a woman is to feel secure, just like the no. 1 need of a man is to feel respected. Now that I no longer have a husband to take care of me I feel rather naked and exposed. It's unnerving to feel so disconnected when you've just spent the last 20 years of your life being connected to one man.

I hardly know what to do with myself. I want something to cling to. Something to sink my teeth into. Somewhere to land. A soft place to fall. I want security. I want to feel protected. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel cherished. Will I ever have that again?

After having a complete meltdown during my lunch hour I had to come back to work and pull myself up by the bootstraps. Just call me "Bootstrap Jane". It finally dawned on me that worrying about all the unknowns ain't helping me one iota. That's when I decided to grab hold of my thoughts and counteract them with things I truly believe about myself such as:

I'm charming

I'm intelligent

I'm beautiful

I'm spiritual

I'm emotional

I'm funny

I'm sexy

I'm strong

I'm compassionate

I'm a child of God. (And for the record, He promised to never leave me or forsake me.)

Let me just tell you in case you haven't figured out this little tidbit of info yet. Dwelling on the future before it gets here is just "borrowing trouble" as a dear friend reminded me recently. Since our perceptions color our realities I had to make the conscious choice to stop dwelling on the negative.

I think your prayers probably helped. I felt them today. I went from turmoil to peace in a matter of minutes this afternoon while sitting at my desk pondering. Who can explain the peace of God? You really can't. But when you experience it, you know it. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will leave you with this. It is true that the battlefield of the mind is where our greatest battles are won or lost. So for today I have made the choice to dwell on the positive. All I can do is take one day at a time just like Jesus admonished us in the book of Matthew. Easier said than done, I know, but it can be done. And with that, I share with you this passage of scripture. Perhaps it will help someone else besides me today.

The Cure for Anxiety: Matthew 6:25-34 (NASV)

25"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to
what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will
put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
26"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor
gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth
much more than they?
27"And who of you by being worried can add a
single hour to his life?
28"And why are you worried about clothing?
Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,
29yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed
himself like one of these.
30"But if God so clothes the grass of the
field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not
much more clothe you? You of little faith!
31"Do not worry then,
saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for
clothing?'
32"For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your
heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33"But seek
first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to
you.
34"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The End of my Marriage

2009-09-29T16:49:00.011-04:00

I honestly never thought I would see the day that I would post a blog about the end of my marriage, but sadly, that day is here. I also know this is going to come as a complete shock to many of my friends, but after 20 yrs. of marriage Darin and I have decided to go our separate ways. It all came to a head a month ago, although it's been heading in this direction for several years.

I moved out Sept. 5th. The kids are with Darin. We will not uproot their world just because it was my choice to leave. Don't think I made the choice lightly. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I cried buckets for 4 days during that week he & I were making this decision. Needless to say my world is spinning. His world is spinning. This man was my best friend. I thought we would grow old together. It was not to be.

I have purposely waited a month before posting anything although some of you may have noticed my very obvious status change on Facebook to "single". I appreciate all the private emails of encouragement I have gotten. Believe me, when you go through something like this it feels like a death. I keep finding myself asking is there life after divorce? If any of you have lived through it and found happiness again, please post your comments. I would love to hear your story. I need all the encouragement I can get.

I have never felt so displaced or disconnected from anything and everything in my life. I find myself in limbo-land and it's scary as hell to be honest. Darin was my world for years. My rock of gibralter. Yes, we were polar opposites but that seemed to work for us for many years. It seemed the longer we stayed together though, the less entertaining it was and the more frustrating it became. I've always heard how couples can grow apart, and I often wondered how that could happen. Now I know.

Oh, it was nothing major. Not the usual "deal-breakers" in a marriage like drugs, alcohol, porn, adultery, or financial stress. In our case, it was the "little foxes that spoiled the vine". Our emotional-bank account went empty for years. Needs unmet. Wants ignored. Dreams unfulfilled. Wishes not granted. Finally, it took it's toll.

Everything changed when we moved to NC 4.5 yrs. ago. For many years we were involved in church-work so it was easy to slap a bandaid on our issues and "walk in love" like we had been taught. However, once we got in an environment without religion to hide behind, all the junk floated to the surface. There was no more slapping a bandaid on it.

Darin describes his side as "one day the light went out". He fell out of love with me and we lost our connection. He begs to differ with me on the definition of "love" but I say there is a distinct difference between loving someone and being "in love". Yes, I know love is a choice. And for years we made that choice although we were both unhappy and frustrated. We were still committed to each other and to our kids. We talked about separating many times but when it came down to it, neither of us could actually do it.

I suppose sometimes it's just more convenient to stay miserable in your marriage rather than rock your world. I had resigned myself to living in a loveless, sexless marriage at least until the kids finished growing up but recently I had an epiphany. I realized that this is not how marriage should be. Living like two roommates. I also realized that I deserve more and Darin deserves more so why continue to beat a dead horse?

I know many of you who know us may be wondering why we aren't "believing God" for our marriage and all I can say to that is when it's over, it's over. Neither one of us have the emotional or spiritual energy to expend on the marriage. We had 20 years together. Neither of us consider it a waste. If nothing else, we produced three beautiful children. It's simply time to move on.

We were two totally different people 20 years ago. We had a very strong spiritual connection in addition to being best friends. And yes, we did love each other. But life came along and over time, all that changed. We grew apart. Dreams changed. Goals Changed. Life Changed. We Changed. The good part of all this is that we are still friends. I've heard it said there's no such thing as an amicable divorce, but I think Darin and I just might pull it off.

On Friday we will sign the separation agreement. In NC you have to live separately for one year before a divorce is granted. It all still seems so surreal. Like it's happening to someone else. Although I have accepted it, I still have good days and bad. There are times I feel as though I could have a fullblown panic attack just thinking about my future and all the "unknowns". Thank God for Effexor is all I can say. It keeps me steady. That and my faith. I know none of this took God by surprise. He's still the same God that has guided me my whole entire life. I don't expect Him to abandon me now.

I plan to take this next year of my life to work on Donna Jane. To figure out why my marriage failed and how not to make the same mistakes again. I prayed a prayer about 5 years ago that God would make me healthy- spirit, soul, and body. I have been amazed as I look back over my journey the past several years at how God has answered that prayer. It has been said, "Be careful what you pray for. You just might get it." I can attest that this much is true. Right now I feel as though I'm a caterpillar locked away in my chrysalis, but in time I shall emerge a beautiful butterfly. Just hide and watch.

"You're fat because you wanna be"

2009-08-20T18:56:00.012-04:00

I remember the first time I heard Dr. Phil tell a fat person, "You're fat because you wanna be" I laughed. Why did I laugh? Mainly from the shock of it. But it's true when you stop and think about it. He is a big proponent that you can "behave your way to success" and I suppose in many ways, he's right. I have behaved my way to success in the past and lost 80 lbs. only to turn around and gain it all back over the course of several years.

I'll admit I'm a diehard food addict. I suppose everyone has their vices. You could pour an ice-cold beer in front of me and I would turn my nose up at it. Personally I think beer tastes like horse-piss not that I've ever actually drank horse-piss but you get the idea. I can honestly say I've never tried drugs. Not even one puff from a marijuana stick. Nor have I ever watched porn. I've always tried to stay away from the things society turns its nose up at. However, food is another story altogether. We have to have it to survive, for one thing. Secondly, when you grow up in the deep south pretty much all your socializing revolves around it. Therefore, my relationship with food started in childhood. Instead of living by the motto, "I eat to live", mine was always "I live to eat".

I decided two months ago to face this mountain of weight once again. It needs to come off because frankly, I don't want to die young. I would also like to bring my sexy back. It's been years since I felt that way. Women want to feel beautiful. They want to feel special. They want to feel needed by their man. So I figure bringing sexy back can only help matters.

Sexy aside, one of the biggest motivating factors though is the fact that I have been an embarrassment to my kids all these years. My oldest son is a Sr. in HS and he's only ever known me "fat". Now my 11 yr. old son is starting middle school and he literally did not want me going to the open-house with him and his dad this week because he was so embarrassed. When I asked him "why?" he simply pointed to my belly. The same belly that carried his 9 lb. 1 oz. self for 9 mos., mind you.

In two more years my daughter, who is an extremely verbal child like her eldest brother, will be starting middle school. I figure if I want to enjoy their middle and high school years without having my feelings crushed on a weekly basis, not to mention being kept in hiding, I had better do something about it. I can't get mad at them. I brought this on myself and they deserve better. I want to be a mom they can be proud to be seen with.

Now you should know I've always been about the "quick fix". LOL! I got the bright idea to get that lap-band surgery and even went so far as to attend a seminar about it, but in the end I opted to try it on my own for year. I mean give it a real honest effort. My husband did not support the idea of surgery. He's one of these that believes you build character through doing things the hard way, meaning old-fashioned diet and exercise.

I honestly didn't wanna hear that. I wanted to stroll my fat self up to the hospital, have them put me to sleep and insert a band around my stomach so I would be forced to stop stuffing my face, and vomit if I dared to try. I know many people (I can think of at least 10 right now) who have had gastric-bypass surgery successfully and like me, they were desperate to do something about their weight after years of trying every diet in the book. I realize that diets don't work. They really don't. I'm living proof of that.

So I decided on June 28th to start controlling my carb-intake. Now mind you, I didn't say I quit eating carbs. I just became more mindful of the types of carbs I ingested. A good rule of thumb is "If you can't grow it or pick it, don't eat it." By doing that, I lost 15 lbs. my first month. Then I started allowing myself more and more of the bad carbs again. Sugar is like that you know. One taste of it and the addiction comes roaring back. Of course it doesn't help matters that we had 3 birthdays at the office this month which always means a "Joretta Cake". (Joretta is a lady in town who is known for her cakes). The first being her famous Hershey Bar Cake which looks something like this.

The very next week we were treated to Joretta's keylime cake.
And this week it was her famous Caramel poundcake.

Now I ask you. Could you have resisted such culinary delights? Talk about heaven in your mouth! That'll do it right there! But now the party is over. I have got to get a grip because Lord knows this weight ain't coming off by itself. Therefore I am officially back in the saddle again. Just pray that once I lose it I will win the lottery so I can afford all the plastic surgery I'll need to repair this body. Lord knows I'll need it.

"Mom! I saw a UFO!"

2009-08-13T20:06:00.009-04:00

So I'm at work this afternoon and I get a call from my 9 yr. old daughter on the cellphone as I often do.

"Mom, Evan has to tell you something."

Well, first of all, this is highly unusual because Evan never has much to say and especially not on the phone. I knew this had to be serious. Next thing you know my 11 yr. old (who is really an old man trapped in a child's body) came on the phone and said,

"Mom. Something told me to go look out the window and I swear to God I saw a UFO just fly over our house." Now you have to understand this child is not given to drama. At. All. He is a "just the facts, ma'am" sort of kid. I kept my composure although I wanted to laugh and I said, "Really? What did it look like?" "A black speck in the sky" he said. I let him get it all out and asked a few questions inbetween, all the while holding in my laughter. Kids can be so amusing when they're serious. Finally Averi got back on the phone. I geared up because I knew the drama was coming.

You see, I have filled her head with tales from my childhood about an alien abduction in Pascagoula, MS that took place back in 1973. (Read story here: http://ufos.about.com/od/aliensalienabduction/p/pascagoula.htm). Our April visit to Mississippi to see my family almost didn't happen because Averi Anna just knew a UFO was gonna land out in the pasture near her Granny Jane's house and take her away. After much reassurance we were finally able to convince her that a UFO wouldn't land in the pasture, much less abduct her.

I suppose all that came roaring back to her memory today because she began to cry about the aliens coming to get her. At that point nothing would do in her mind, but that I had to leave work that instant and come get them. Luckily I only work a mile from home, but even still, I wasn't giving in to this nonsense. "First of all" I said, "I seriously doubt a UFO would land in our backyard in the middle of the afternoon, but if one does then call me back and I will be glad to come pick you and Evan up." At this point I'm sure all she could see were visions of little green men peeking in the kitchen window. When my attempt to comfort her didn't work I told her what I always tell her. "Call your daddy."

It wasn't five minutes later the secretary buzzed me and said Darin was on the phone. I picked up and in my normal cheerful voice said, "Hey honey." He didn't waste any time getting to the point. "I'm sure you know what this is about. Those children are home scared too death. And who can blame them with all your tales of Mississippi abduction stories! You are gonna have to go pick them up." I was like "Okay. But you will have to call and tell Evan he's coming back to the office with me."

See. Normally none of this would've been an issue because Ashton is always home with them. However, this week happens to be band-camp so the kids have been home alone in the afternoons for this week only. Don't worry. The doors are always locked and they are surrounded on all sides by neighbors at home. Darin comes home from 11:30-12:30 then I come home from 12:30-1:30 so we definitely keep a check on them. And besides, Evan is such an old soul it's like having an adult at home anyway. LOL!

I quickly told one of the agents I was heading home to get the kids then dashed out the door. I happen to have a job that is very flexible and in that, I am blessed. When I got home Averi was ready to go but Evan really didn't want to. He didn't even have his shoes on. He asked if he could go next door to his friend, Julian's house, so I told him to run over there and see if they were home. Lucky for him they were so at least he didn't have to spend 2.5 hours at my office being bored. Averi, on the other hand, brought her Gameboy, along with the book, Charlotte's Web, to keep herself entertained.

When I got home this evening Evan informed me that he now believes in UFO's. Even though he's watched numerous documentaries on them he said he didn't really believe until today. I guess seeing is believing as they say. LOL! For the record, I really do think he saw something but a UFO? I think the odds are probably not. That's not to say I don't believe they exist. I actually do think something is going on out there in the galaxy. There have just been too many sightings and strange experiences for there not to be something. I guess it's like everything else though. We'll understand it better in the by and by.

My Dream Pet

2009-01-16T16:45:00.008-05:00

Up until a few years ago I would not have considered myself a cat-lover, however, that all changed when I caught sight of a Ragdoll Cat that belonged to a friend of mine. He literally took my breath away with his piercing blue eyes and beautiful markings which they're all known for. I guess you could say it was love at first sight. I had never even heard of Ragdolls until then, but my interest was piqued and I had to find out more. Once I learned more about them I decided then and there that one day I would own a Ragdoll. Oh, and did I mention the going price is $800 from a breeder?

Here's what I found out from the Ragdoll cats info site:

Ragdoll cats get their name from their tendency to go limp when picked up
or held. Ragdolls have a sturdy, imposing frame with soft, medium length fur in
different shades of brown and gray. Ragdoll cats are very affectionate and
friendly.

They easly take to new people and co-exist with other animals, including
dogs and children. It could take your Ragdoll four to five years to fully
mature; however, adult males weigh anywhere from 12 to 20 pounds and the females weigh 10 to 15 pounds.

Ragdoll cats are one of the least aggressive and calmest breeds of domestic cat and posses a warm, affectionate disposition. Your Ragdoll cat may greet your visitors at the door and follow them around your home like a puppy; in fact the breed has many dog like traits, such as fetching toys and loyalty to their owners.

Because of the Ragdoll’s laid back nature they should be kept as strictly
indoor cats as they may not defend themselves from aggressive animals. Their
trusting nature could also lead to theft by stranger so always keep your Ragdoll
inside.
Ragdoll cats are smart and are able to learn tricks easily making the
breed a favorite at many cat shows. The large frame tends to make them slightly
clumsy; however, they remain playfully energetic; if you’re looking for a large,
gentle playful cat, Ragdoll Cats is the breed for you.

Well, I thought my day had finally come after Salem was killed a couple weeks ago. After contacting several breeders I quickly figured out I wouldn't be going that route. So I started looking up rescue sites. After two days of intense searching I came across petfinders.com in Charlotte, NC. That is where I found the beautiful cats you see above. On the top left and middle is Bella. She is available for adoption through the SPCA for only $150! A steal for that breed. On the left is Greg with his eyes closed (who names a cat Greg I ask you?) and he is available for adoption through The Humane Society for $150 also. If he was mine I would name him Sebastian.

I found out yesterday they were both still available and I just knew it was my lucky day until my husband put the kabash on it. Allergies. I never dreamed it would be that big a deal since Salem lived in our house for three years. There were times he complained about allergies but it's not like he was having asthma attacks or anything. Since he seldom complained about it, I just figured we would get a replacement for Salem. No big deal, right? Wrong.

Much to my grave disappointment, it was not to be. Can I just tell you how angry I was? I was so angry, in fact, I contemplated moving out of the house so I could have those cats. I wanted both of them so desperately I would have figured out a way to make it happen. Have you ever been obsessed with something? Well, I was obsessed with those cats. They are all I've thought about this week. I had some birthday money saved which would've almost paid for one of the cats and the agent I work for said she would've bought the other one for my birthday. When she told me that I cried.

For two solid years I have dreamed of owning my very own Ragdoll. It was my secret plan once Salem was gone you see. I never really bonded with Salem because for the most part, she was anti-social. She had been a feral cat and was rescued by our neighbor. Eventually she found her way over to our house until we could no longer deny her entrance so that's how she came to be ours. In my mind she was always the "make do" cat. I cared about her but she was not my dream pet like the Ragdoll. And now my dream has been shattered. But in the grand scheme of things I suppose my marriage is more important than owning a Ragdoll (or two) so I've decided to just live with it. In the meantime I get to love on our neighbor's cats who live outside. And once again, "make do".

Stuffed full of cake

2009-01-12T20:35:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was my birthday and I am stuffed slap full of cake. One cake is normally enough for any birthday, but I lucked out and got two. On Sunday, my kind husband made me a Mississippi Mud cake, thanks to a recipe from my old college roommate (thanks Carissa). He also made a big pot of chili and some cornbread to go with it. We ate dessert first. Just kidding.

Today at work I walked in my office and there on my desk sat a delightful strawberry cake that looked very similar to the one above. We have a cake lady in town named Joretta who makes the best cakes you ever put in your mouth. Everything from key-lime to orange/pineapple to hershey bar and beyond. Today was strawberry day. That was the one cake of hers we had never had so I requested it. That's one advantage of working at the Randolph Co. Farm Bureau. When your birthday rolls around, you get to request your favorite Joretta cake. My Lord and My God. It was amazing. Between the two cakes, I have committed straight-out gluttony, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I am now 44 yrs. of age although my husband and son like to say I'm 45. They do it just to push my buttons. Normally I wouldn't be so touchy about my age, but when you've officially hit your mid-40's you suddenly want time to slow down. I'm not sure where the past 20 years went exactly. In my mind, I will forever be 24. That was the year I got married and officially became a woman. My mama used to always tell me "the older you get, the faster time flies" and I believe her.

I was greatly encouraged at book-club the other night when an older, retired lady told us the older you get, the less you fear death. I hope that's true. Not that I fear death, in and of itself, just the manner in which I might die and the age I'll be when it happens. Everybody expects to live to a ripe old age and see their grandchildren grow up. My husband and I have always said we want to grow old together so we can sit on the front porch and rock, sipping on iced tea (except I don't like iced tea so it'll have to be ice water I suppose) and reflecting on our lives together. One day I shall have a house with a wrap-around porch. At least that's my dream anyway.

I guess now that my birthday is officially over I need to get back on the wagon and start focusing on losing this weight that's saddled itself around my mid-section. If I could just take a knife and hack off my loose skin I would lose 30 lbs. immediately. Or maybe I should just join Weight Watchers. Less risk for death that way. I still think they're the best thing going because they teach you how to eat sensibly while using moderation. And isn't that really the key to weight-loss anyway? Lord knows stuffing two cakes down your gullet in the space of two days isn't gonna help matters. And no, I didn't eat two whole cakes, but I definitely put a dent in them. It's a good thing birthdays only come round once a year.

Oh, here's the Mississippi Mud recipe:

Cake:

1 C chopped pecans

1 C butter4 oz. semisweet chocolate, chopped

1 1/2 C all purpose flour

2 C sugar

4 large eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

3/4 tsp. salt

1 (10.5 oz.) bag miniature marshmallows

Frosting:

1/2 C butter

1/3 C unsweetened cocoa

1/3 C milk1 (16 oz.) package powdered sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

Place pecans in a single layer on a baking sheet. Bake at 350 for 8-10 min. or until toasted. Micorwave 1 C butter and semisweet chocolate in a large microwave safe glass bowl at HIGH 1 min. or until melted and smooth, stirring every 30 seconds. Whisk sugar and next 5 ingredients into chocolate mixture. Pour batter into a greased sheet cake pan. Bake @ 350 for 20 minutes. Remove from oven and sprinkle evenly with marshmallows; bake 8-10 more min. or until golden brown. Drizzle warm cake with chocolate frosting, and sprinkle evenly with toasted pecans.To make frosting, stir together first 3 ingredients in a med. saucepan over med. heat until butter is melted. Cook, stirring constantly, 2 minutes or until slightly thickened; remove from heat. Beat in powdered sugar and 1 tsp. vanilla at med. -high speed until smooth.

Announcing January's book

2009-01-08T21:58:00.005-05:00

Tonight was the first official bookclub meeting for "Southern Charm Bookclub". We discussed December's book, "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom and mutually agreed had we been put in that situation we might not have been as gracious and giving as the Ten Boom family. They literally put their lives on the line to help hide Jews during the holocaust. I honestly don't know if I could have done it which is why I admire them so much. I know how selfish I am.

I have never heard of a family more giving and loving than this one. They truly had servants' hearts, something that is sorely lacking in today's society, myself included. Faith was a huge part of their lives and helped get them through some unfathomable circumstances. If you've never read this book, do yourself a favor and read it. This was actually my third time reading it and I never tire of it. It long ago claimed the title of "DJ's all-time favorite book ever." And if DJ loves it. So will you. Especially if you're a person of faith who happens to love history.

Now on to January's book, "The Glass Castle". This is a memoir. We've decided to stick with memoirs this whole year. We all agreed that real life is so much more interesting. Don't get me wrong. I love me some fiction too. There ain't nothing better than escaping into a world created out of someone's imagination, but I can read fiction on my own time. I had been seeing this book pop up on best-seller lists for awhile now so that's usually a good sign, unless it's on Oprah's bookclub list, that is. I guess you could say her literary tastes and mine.... uh... run crossways. I've heard this book is being made into a movie. Here's an editorial review from Amazon.com for your convenience:

Jeannette Walls grew up with parents whose ideals and stubborn nonconformity were both their curse and their salvation. Rex and Rose Mary Walls had four children. In the beginning, they lived like nomads, moving among Southwest desert towns, camping in the mountains. Rex was a charismatic, brilliant man who, when sober, captured his children's imagination, teaching them physics, geology, and above all, how to embrace life fearlessly. Rose Mary, who painted and wrote and couldn't stand the responsibility of providing for her family, called herself an "excitement addict." Cooking a meal that would be consumed in fifteen minutes had no appeal when she could make a painting that might last forever. Later, when the money ran out, or the romance of the wandering life faded, the Walls retreated to the dismal West Virginia mining town -- and the family -- Rex Walls had done everything he could to escape. He drank. He stole the grocery money and disappeared for days. As the dysfunction of the family escalated, Jeannette and her brother and sisters had to fend for themselves, supporting one another as they weathered their parents' betrayals and, finally, found the resources and will to leave home. What is so astonishing about Jeannette Walls is not just that she had the guts and tenacity and intelligence to get out, but that she describes her parents with such deep affection and generosity. Hers is a story of triumph against all odds, but also a tender, moving tale of unconditional love in a family that despite its profound flaws gave her the fiery determination to carve out a successful life on her own terms. For two decades, Jeannette Walls hid her roots. Now she tells her own story. A regular contributor to MSNBC.com, she lives in New York and Long Island and is married to the writer John Taylor.

I've also spent the past two months poring over book lists on Amazon and reading reviews. I have amassed quite a list of "wanna read books". I don't take this stuff lightly. Books intoxicate me. Seriously. I can just see them on-line and I start salivating. And law me, if I walk through a bookstore... well. Forget about it. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I could literally spend hours. Did you hear me? Hours. Walking up and down the aisles of a bookstore perusing through books. I actually fantasize about being able to walk in the store and lay down a few hundred dollars to buy whatever I want.

As it is, I go to the library for my books. I have actually learned how to use my library's on-line system to look up books so when I find one on Amazon I want to read, I just log-on to the Randolph County Library site and type in the book-title. Most of the time they have what I'm looking for, but there are many times they don't. What do I do in that case? I'll tell you. I march myself up to the reference desk the next time I'm there, and ask them if I can put in a "purchase request". Since I've learned I can do this, the library has bought every book I've asked for. I'm in heaven. It's like being able to buy the book for free.

I actually typed up a list of 52 must-read memoirs that I will post separately for those who are interested. I realized later that's one book for every week of the year. If a book gets less than 4 stars on Amazon I don't even consider them. I learned the hard way after I pressed through "The Poisonwood Bible" many moons ago (all 576 pages) that I would never again waste time reading a book that I didn't "love". There are too many great books just waiting to be read. Now I give a book the first 50 pages, maybe 100 if I think there's potential. After that, if I'm not captured by it I slam it shut and move on. Next!

Recently I had a rash of books all in a row like that. Books that I saw on various best-seller lists so I thought they must be good if they're getting all that buzz. NOT. I'm sure curiosity is getting the best of you by now. Okay. I'll list the books I never finished: The Plague of Doves (confusing), The Lace Reader (dragged), The Thirteenth Tale (sorely lacking), Peace Like a River (slow), The Good Earth (boring). Folks, let me tell ya. The best-seller list does not a good book make. Read the customer reviews. That will tell the tale. Or you can just ask me. :)

Temper Tantrums

2009-01-07T12:51:00.004-05:00

As much as I hate to admit it, I have seen my daughter do this exact thing on many occasions. I mean literally fling herself into the floor and proceed to kick and scream and cry like it's the end of the world. Normally I just walk out of the room and refuse to give her an audience. Reasoning with her when she's in that state certainly doesn't work. That would be like trying to reason with a stampeding bull who's got his sights set on you. At that point all you can think to do is run as far away as you can, because saying "Here, nice bull" would be certain suicide.

I don't recall ever doing this as a child. Temper tantrums never entered my mind. For one thing I knew I would get my butt tore up. I'm not sure I fully comprehend why children do this. Obviously because they're angry. Duh! Or to get attention. Or to manipulate. I'll admit I'm usually the first to give in to my daughter when she whines because I want her to hush. That has probably been my no. 1 flaw as a parent. Letting my kids get away with unacceptable behaviors such as smarting off and name-calling. My teenager is so far gone there's no way to change it now. However, my daughter is another story. I believe I still have time to turn this around.

This week I actually grounded her from her Wii and the computer. When she persisted in giving me "attitude" I then grounded her from watching TV. This was only supposed to last one day. Well, last night I caught her playing with her handheld Nintendo and told her to put it up. She was testing me and I knew it. She just kept right on playing, insisting it wasn't a video game. I kept insisting it was. She then claimed she had to "save" her spot but in reality, she had turned off the volume and was still playing. This my son, Evan, revealed to me when he walked up behind her.

So you know what I did? I walked over and took it from her. Then I told her she was now grounded for two more days for disobedience. Oh, she tried to play me alright. Begged for another chance which is normally when I would buckle and give in, but not this time. I have got to gain some respect or she will be absolutely incorrigible as a hormonal teenage girl. Perish the thought! I have some inkling of what's coming because she is a clone of her teenage brother, personality-wise. Add to that the emotions of a female and what I've got on my hands is what could potentially become a monster.

Now in public you would never know she was anything other than a sweet, charming, beautiful little girl. She charms everyone she meets, teachers and parents alike. She's popular in school and has lots of friends. I'm thankful for that at least. The last thing I need is a "problem child" so-called. I just want her to be as beautiful inside as she is outside because as my mama used to always say, "Pretty is as pretty does." How do you teach a child inner-beauty though? It's beyond me... especially when they are given to anger, jealousy and a smart-mouth?

If she and my oldest were natured like my middle child, parenthood would be an absolute piece of cake. Instead, I have two choleric children that pretty much run all over me and I can't really blame them because I've allowed it all these years. Why did I allow it? Because truthfully, I was a lazy parent and didn't wanna "deal with it". It was always easier to "give in" to them which is the price I paid to have some peace. Now I'm really paying for it. And believe me, they know how to "work me" to get what they want. Even my teenager could charm the scales off a rattlesnake.

I know I can't be the only mom out there who deals with these issues. I would just love to know how to turn it around before my 8, almost 9, yr. old turns into the diva from hell. I think I'm on the right track with grounding her and actually "dealing" with her attitude and smart-mouth for a change rather than ignoring it. I am determined to "stick to my guns" this time although I know she will try to charm me. Be strong, DJ. You can do this. Now if I can just be consistent so that (as Dr. Phil says) she will be able to predict with 100% accuracy the outcome if she engages in certain behaviors, I will have it made. Pray for me that I'll endure to the end.

R.I.P. Salem

2009-01-04T12:32:00.008-05:00

Today is a sad day. We had to bury our beloved cat, Salem. She had been with us nearly 4 years. When we first moved to NC, she came over from next door. Our neighbor takes in cats and Salem was just one of many she had rescued. Salem wasn't a social creature. She didn't like being with the other cats. She had once been a feral cat and was crippled. Left that way from former abuse. She walked with a limp. She was special.

We first noticed her hanging out in our windows watching us with those gorgeous green eyes of hers. It didn't matter what part of the house we were in, she would find us. It used to freak me out a little bit to look up and there she would be in the window, gazing longingly at me as if to say "Please let me in". I had never been around cats so I didn't realize how much they liked to hang out in windows. This went on for many, many months until the seasons changed. We couldn't bear the thought of her being out in the cold so we gave in. We let her inside our house and into our hearts.

She was very skittish at first. If we made the least little noise or came around the corner suddenly she would run away, scared to death. It took about a year, but she finally learned to trust us. I remember the first time she jumped on my lap. I was sitting on the couch watching TV. She let me pet her for a few minutes then hopped down and ran off. Over time, I found her in my lap a lot more often. She loved being rubbed. It was as if she knew she was really loved and I think she loved us, too.

Like any good pet-owner, we made sure her shots were always up-to-date and that she had plenty to eat and drink. Unlike most cats, Salem hated anything seafood-related. I thought all cats loved tuna and salmon. Not our Salem. She loved country cookin'. One of her favorite meals was "country-style dinner" in the can. We usually fed her dry food so when she got canned food it was a real treat. She also loved those cat-treats called "temptations". I don't know what was in those little nuggets but she gobbled them up as if her life depended on it.

I remember the first time we bought them. My husband hid them up in the cabinet to keep Salem out of 'em. Just like an alcoholic, she had a true addiction once she got a taste of 'em. Needless to say, keeping her out of the "temptations" was quite a challenge after that. One morning Darin went to get them and they were gone. I mean the whole bag had simply vanished as if into thin air. Now how a bag could disappear from the third shelf of a cabinet was beyond us, but we suspected Salem was behind it.

Darin started searching the house and after a few minutes came back with the bag in hand. Turns out Salem had gotten up in the cabinet overnight afterall. How she managed to get the cabinet open in the first place, let alone climb to the third shelf is beyond me, but as they say, "where there's a will, there's a way." She had hidden the bag of tasty treats underneath our son's bed in the far back corner where she thought it would be safe. BUSTED! Darin confronted her with the evidence and she knew she was guilty. She always had this way of slinking out-of-sight whenever she did something wrong.

When Salem adopted us (I say that because we had no intention of taking in a cat) she was around 5 yrs. of age so she had already had quite a life. From the best we can tell, she was a Russian Blue although I'm sure not a purebred. She had been fixed so we didn't have to worry about her getting pregnant. Our main objective was to provide her with a loving home which we did for over 3 yrs. She lived in our house until 2 mos. ago at which time we had to put her out.

She began having intestinal troubles and instead of using her litter-box she would just let it loose on the floor beside the litter box. Well, after cleaning up her poop every day for a month we got tired of it and had no choice but to put her out for obvious reasons. We have a screened-in porch so we set her up like royalty with a nice big, comfy bed inside a box with a heat lamp hanging above it. We know how much cats hate the cold so that was the least we could do with winter coming.

The guilt was overwhelming at first. She didn't understand why she had suddenly been put out of her home and would cry at the door to come back in. A few times she even got desperate and clawed the door with all her might at which time we would have to reprimand her. If we opened the door even a peep, she would run inside like she still owned the place. It was so pitiful to see her like that, but we simply couldn't deal with her crapping all over the floor. Finally, after a month she realized she wasn't coming back inside and seemed to get quite comfortable in her new domain.

Last night Darin noticed she wasn't on the porch but figured she was out exploring as cats are known to do. He left the screen-door cracked and figured she would come back when she got hungry. This morning when she still wasn't on the porch he knew something was wrong. He got in the car and as he was backing out he noticed something gray laying across the street in our neighbor's yard. He got out and walked across the road only to find Salem dead. She had laid there all night in the soaking rain. She died alone. There was no bloody mess. The only thing out of order was her jaw. It appeared to have been broken. We figure a car hit her and she wandered about 30 feet until she fell over and died.

Unfortunately, my daughter saw Salem like that. She was the only one up with her Dad. Me and the boys were still in bed. Darin bagged Salem up. He couldn't bear the thought of throwing her in the trash like common garbage. No, she would have a proper burial. I was awakened with the news when Averi came and crawled in my bed crying that Salem was dead. I couldn't believe my ears. Not Salem. Surely this can't be so. But it was. When Ashton got up he went outside with his dad and dug the hole for her grave. Averi tucked in a note that said, "We will love you forever." And it's true. Salem will always be in our hearts. Rest in peace, sweet Salem girl.

Grocery Shopping

2009-01-03T20:01:00.004-05:00

Saturday is always grocery day around my house. Normally my husband does the shopping in the wee hours of the morning. Like literally when the doors open at 7:00 am he's there along with the other 3 regulars who normally show up. Obviously these people are on a routine like my husband. Today dear husband didn't show up though. He is grappling with a bout of sciatica and has been down in his back since New Year's Day.

Try as I might to get him to take some Ibuprofen for the pain, he refuses. It's not that he's trying to be some big man of faith either. He just says he doesn't wanna be "altered". That he needs to see how his back feels in it's natural state. My reply to that assinine comment was "Well, after 3 days I think you know. Now take your medicine." But like a typical man, he persists in being stubborn and suffering through.

In case you're wondering why Darin does the shopping and not me, well, I'll tell you. I've always done the grocery shopping. Before we had children we both went. After kids came, I went. Sometimes with kids in tow. Other times, not. I have always had a pattern of not staying within the budget though. Honestly? I flat out hate budgets. For years this has caused friction between us. He tells me how much I can spend and I always go over. My standard answer is usually, "Well, this is stuff we needed."

Then for awhile he got really smart and put me on "cash-basis only". Obviously that worked because if I went over I had to put items back. It was always so humiliating to ask the cashier to take items off, especially when there was a line behind me. As much as I hated that plan, it did work, but for some reason he got tired of having to count out the cash each month so we went back to the checkbook. And once again I reverted to my old ways of going over budget. In my mind I was justified, but in his mind I was disrespecting him after he took the time and effort to figure it all out. I never understood how he felt disrespected. I still don't, but to keep the peace he took over the grocery shopping earlier this year and I was stripped of my dignity. Just a reminder of one more thing I can't do right.

Let me tell you why it was so hard. A typical budget for us can be anywhere from $110-130/week. Now for a family of five, especially in today's economy, that doesn't go very far I assure you. I used to get downright angry about it, but as Darin often reminds me "This is just where we're at right now. It is what it is so deal with it." I have finally come to accept it but I sure don't like it. Today was a test. I had to do the grocery shopping. I took the calculator along with me so I could add it up as I went. That really helped. I also had a list. That also helped.

My daughter being with me didn't help because she wants everything she sees. Not to mention we had just come from a birthday party and she wanted to go home because she was tired. It was a gymnastics party and she had practiced her back handspring over and over and over again until she was wore slap out. She won't do it on her own yet. She has to be spotted, even if it's just a finger stuck behind her back. Her confidence level isn't quite where it needs to be yet for her to take off flipping on her own.

So with her worn out we proceeded into Bottom Dollar anyway. I wasn't about to waste gas taking her home then turning around and going back. I grabbed my list and my calculator and away we went with Averi going into meltdown mode beside me. She is a first-class whiner let me tell ya. In fact, she's a veritable Jekyll and Hyde. She can be the sweetest, most charming girl when she's with other people but you get her alone with me and she turns into queen diva barking out commands. It's not pretty. Then when I dared to pop her on the arm to get her quiet she announced in a loud voice that I was abusing her. The child doesn't have a clue what abuse is. She is spoiled rotten and it's all my doing. Yet another area I must work on. But I digress. Back to the shopping.

Today the budget was $130 and I was determined to stick with it. I want nothing more than to make my husband proud and to prove to him I can actually follow the rules (as much as that goes against my natural grain). I was going along just fine, marking out my list and adding as I went. I had just grabbed the lunchmeat (ham and turkey) when Averi said to me, "Mom, did you see that man back there dressed up like a woman?" (Oh no. Here we go.) I had practically rubbed shoulders with him/her and didn't even notice.

When I turned around to get a glance, sure enough there stood a black man dressed in a woman's sweater and jeans and high heels with a purse slung over "her" shoulder. It didn't help matters that under that sweater were some little boobie buds beginning to grow. I told Averi to quit gawking and just continued to shop. That's when I turned around and caught her peeking around the oatmeal display for one more look-see. I was mortifed. Thank God he/she didn't look over Averi's way or I would've had to disown my child. In our small town that's just not something you see everyday so I understood her curiosity but at the same time I don't want her gawking at people who are different.

We finally finished up the shopping and although I didn't get every single thing on the list (substituted with some things NOT on the list) I managed to stop at $135. Now for me, that is an accomplishment. I knew Darin wouldn't be mad if I only went over by $5. For the first time in a very long time I was able to drive home with groceries in tow knowing I wouldn't have to listen to him nag about money for the next 30 minutes. It was a huge load off my shoulders. After I unloaded them and put everything away he came up to me, gave me a hug and a kiss (more like a peck but I'll take it) and said, "I appreciate you staying in the budget. I was expecting there to be issues when you got home." Who knows? He might even let me take over the grocery-shopping again. :)

Southern Charm Book-Club

2009-01-02T17:07:00.008-05:00

I've always wanted to belong to a book-club so I decided to start my very own. It's called "Southern Charm". Of course. What else would it be since I was a girl raised in the South? I have been working on it for 2 mos. trying to round up other readers as well as get the time, the date, and the place to meet set. Now it's finally here and I haven't even read the book yet. Well, I have. But it was about 5 years ago. I plan to read it again before we meet on Thursday. If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it.

It's my all-time favorite book about the life of Corrie Ten Boom whose family rescued and hid Jews during the holocaust until they were eventually caught, arrested, and sent to a concentration camp. Her story is harrowing and difficult to read at times, but it's also one of the most inspiring stories I've ever heard. It made me count my blessings while at the same time asking myself how I would have handled such hardship? Warning: if you read it, keep tissues handy. That's all I'm gonna say.

I'm really looking forward to discussing this book with the other ladies. We will meet the first Thursday of every month in the conference room at the Randolph County Library from 7:00-8:30. I believe it will be a hearty discussion and that our group will grow as word spreads. For now we have decided to stick with memoirs. I can read fiction on my own time. I just find real life so much more fascinating. If you live in my area and love to read, then consider this an invitation to join us. Hope to see you there.

A prodigal daughter

2009-01-01T23:14:00.007-05:00

Another year has dawned. I can hardly believe we're 9 years into the new millenium. My baby girl was born in the year 2000. Where has the time gone? And according to Nastradamus and the anciet Mayan prophecies we don't have much of it left.

In December of 2012 it will supposedly all come to an abrupt end when the earth turns over on its axis (or Jesus may split the sky). Not that I live my life by what someone prophecies, but it sure gives one pause if you stop and consider the day in which we live and all that's happening in the world, not to mention the Bible itself.

I know we can't sit around twiddling our thumbs waiting for Gabriel's trumpet to sound while we stockpile food for the tribulation. We must occupy until He comes, living each day as if it's our last, yet still planning for our future. My future doesn't look so bright on my current course which is why I must make some changes. Not the usual slap-a-bandaid-on-it kind of changes and hope it goes away, but the kind of changes that actually dig deep like a roto-rooter. I'm talking the kind that digs out the muck and the mire of my life. I need transforming change that only God can bring.

I'll be honest. In the last 4 years I have strayed. I allowed anger, hurt, and bitterness to steal from me what I always held so precious, which was my relationship with God. Although God has never let me down, I still managed to get angry with Him. As a result, I threw the baby out with the bathwater and said "forget it". Now here I am with my life in complete mess. Oh, on the surface everything looks normal. Nobody would suspect that things are off-kilter just from observing me. I'm certainly not out living some wild life of sin. I've simply strayed. And my heart has become hard.

Why am I confessing all this on my blog? Well, for starters, I crave authenticity. In myself and in others. I believe half the problem with church-folks, in my experience, is they can't be real. Gotta keep up those appearances. To admit struggle is to admit weakness, and anything less than 100% victory simply isn't acceptable. I get it though. People live on the surface because they fear being judged or rejected. I can't do that anymore. I just can't. I recall a scripture that says "confess your faults one to another and pray for one another, that ye may be healed". So consider this my confessional.

I cannot change what I won't acknowledge. Dr. Phil says that and I believe it's so. Denial has kept me trapped in a cycle of failure for too long now. I have failed with my weight. I have failed in my marriage. I have failed with my kids. I have failed with my God. These are four pretty major areas if you ask me. It's time to change course. The road I'm headed down will only lead to heartache. I see that now. Changing on my own is not an option. It's not even possible. "When I am weak, He makes me strong." A dear friend reminded me of that today and I needed to hear it.

What it all boils down to when you cut to the chase is "apart from Him (Jesus) we can do nothing". I have to come home. I have to return to my first love. I have to quit trying to figure everything out in my head. Oh the questions that have plagued my mind these past few years. That has been my biggest obstacle. I wanted answers to the hard questions and guess what? They didn't come. Instead I'm left with trusting God which is what He wanted in the first place. I will just have to accept that in this life I can't know or understand everything there is to know.

Today I find myself so grateful that God remains faithful to us even when are faithless. I believe God is calling this wandering sheep home. I've been gone long enough. I know change is never easy, but I believe with God all things are possible. Before I can even start the transforming process I had to take this step first. Otherwise, it would have been futile. Consider this my homecoming. January 1st, 2009. The day DJ turned around and headed back to her Father's house. Just like the prodigal son of old, except in this case it would be the prodigal daughter. I will take it one day at a time. Baby steps. And trust that God can bring beauty from my ashes. And your prayers wouldn't hurt either. :)

"I wanna be famous"

2008-12-31T21:09:00.006-05:00

Those are words to a song my daughter goes around singing. I think she made them up. She is forever trying to write songs of her own. Somehow I have managed to give birth to a songbird, y'all. At any given time of the day or night you can hear Averi belting out a song or two. Lately it's been a toss-up between "Joy to the World" and "The Star-Spangled Banner". Now what those two songs have in common I'll never know, but for some reason they seem to go hand-in-hand in her mind.

I usually find myself cringing and holding my ears. Not that she can't carry a tune. She can actually. But she likes to sing loud. Really loud. And that's when she loses control. It's painful to hear. Last night she actually tried to break glass. No, seriously. Can you imagine? She found a note and just held it there in hopes that one of her daddy's vases would shatter into a million pieces. This went on for 10 solid minutes till my nerves were nearly shot. It didn't help that on occasion she would come over and blast the note right in my ear. She never managed to break the vase. I told her the note wasn't high enough. She's an alto afterall.

Like most little girls, Averi has dreams of being a popstar or an actress. These are not dreams I plan to pursue because for one thing it takes money and lots of it. I tell her if she's meant to be famous she will have to be "discovered". However, I will indulge her imagination from time-to-time by pretending with her what it would be like to become famous. I mean what is life if you can't have dreams?

One of those indulgences will take place tomorrow night, in fact. Averi has planned a concert. Yes, you read that right. A concert. In her bedroom. And me and her dad are invited. She has informed us that we must dress nice. Meaning, no pj's. She actually has a stage in her room now so she's got a hankering to use it. That was a Christmas gift from a family friend. He actually built it for her. This, too, just another way of indulging her dreams.

Tonight she handed her dad a sheet of paper with this written on it:

You are invited to a wonderful dinner with your wife in Averi's room.

She will be performing a sing show for y'all.

Tomorrow: 7:00 o'clock PM

Averi's songlist:

1) Joy to the World

2) Deck the Halls

3) We Wish you a Merry Christmas

4) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

5) Jingle Bells

6) Oh Hannakuh

7) Our Song (in honor of her idol- Taylor Swift)

P.S. Be ready for a wonderful night.

When she handed it to me I couldn't help but giggle. A Christmas concert after Christmas. How special. I especially loved how she remembered the Jews with song-choice no. 6. And of course, there won't really be a dinner, but she did say maybe a snack. That will either be grapes or apples with water to drink. Yes, indeed it should be a night to remember, folks. Oh, the stuff of childhood.

Where's a magic wand when I need it?

2008-12-31T11:01:00.006-05:00

Here I sit on the last day of 2008 thinking about the new year and wondering how it will be different from this year. Lord knows something has to change. It's hard not to feel overwhelmed by all that faces me... my weight, my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my spiritual life. It's a lot to consider. Where's a magic wand when I need it? As you know if you've read my other posts, my weight as ballooned out of control to the point that I now fall among the morbidly obese of our society. Is it any wonder my kids are embarrassed and ashamed of me? If I don't lose weight for me, I should at least do it for them.

Unfortunately, Ashton has had to endure his whole life with a fat mama. That's what he calls me, yk? "Hey, fat mama... why are you so fat?" If I were of a more sensitive nature I would be reduced to tears on a daily basis from the constant taunting. And if that's not enough, Averi has taken after him calling me "fatty" whenever she gets angry. The only child of mine to never be mean to me is Evan, yet I know deep down he has to be embarrassed, too. I often wonder how I ended up with two choleric children. They have no trouble voicing their opinions let me tell ya.

I think part of the issue with the kids, aside from me being fat, is I have no energy (because I'm fat) therefore I sit around a lot while they see their daddy running around busy as a bee. It makes me look lazy and unproductive. Granted, I will never be as motivated and goal-oriented as my husband. He is a dang workaholic, but I could definitely do more than I do. I have lost their respect. That hurts, yet I brought it on myself. There may be time to salvage the years I have left with Evan and Averi, but Ashton? I think it's too late.

As for my marriage? Well, it's nothing major. It's the "little foxes" that over the years have "spoiled the vine". My husband, by nature, is a giver. He finds joy in serving others and is one of the kindest persons you'll ever meet. This plays naturally into his role as a Dad. The kids simply adore him because he has always put them first. For many years, he did everything around the house. I had it made. Then about 8 yrs. ago he woke up and decided "no more". He got angry. He felt taken advantage of and used. Although that was never my intention, EVER, I understand why someone like him would feel that way after years of doing everything.

We fell into an unhealthy pattern early on because he was so good at certain things and I wasn't. We just did what we did every day never realizing down the road it would hurt our marriage. None of it was intentional on my part. Sadly, I just didn't have a clue so I stayed lost in my little world, doing my own thing while he kept things running and slowly dying inside. Now here we are 19 yrs. later and we live as two roommates in the same household. We don't fight. For the most part we get along just fine like two friends would, but there is no romance... no intimacy... no emotional connection and certainly no sex.

I could count on two hands the number of times we've had sex in the last 4 years. As of this post, it's been over a year. Marriage experts say a couple's sex-life is a definite indicator of the emotional health of their marriage. Sex isn't everything, but when it's not happening at all, it becomes everything. Why he hasn't kicked my butt to the curb I'll never know. If he was like most men he would've gotten rid of me years ago. But he's loyal and committed and deep down he still hopes I'll change. He says he loves me, but that love is buried so deeply underneath all the other toxic emotions that it's hard to feel the "ooey gooey's" these days.

There is no quick fix for this and sad to say, no magic wands either. This is not something that will straighten out after a month of me doing dishes and taking care of the kids with a smile on my face. It's going to take time to turn this ship around. A lot of it. And for me it will take conscious effort every. single. day. because I know how I am. I will do good for a few days, then I'll fall back into old patterns. I don't mean to. It just happens until I do something else to anger my husband and I "wake up" again.

I swear I think something is missing from my brain. Some sort of chip that would make me do right. I really am not like other wives and moms. I have always felt inferior especially when I have friends whom I deem to be "perfect" wives and mothers. It's awful being a woman born with her very own breasts and vagina, yet not fitting the mold of what a woman should be. What society expects. Especially Christian society which is all I've ever been surrounded with. You would think just by virtue of being born female I would fit the mold but I'm here to tell you, that's not always the case.

Overall, I'm a very confident person, but when it comes to the homefront I fall apart. There is this constant feeling of being overwhelmed, looking around and not knowing how to get it all done. It's no wonder I suffered from depression, then developed a fullblown anxiety disorder when I was a stay-at-home-mom for 8 years. My life was nothing but chaos. I lack the organizational skills that it takes to run a household which is why my husband had always picked up the slack. He's the most organized, scheduled, on-task human being I know. And I had to marry him. Well, they say opposites attract so there must have been something about me way-back-when that he found just as attractive.

I have to wonder though if he had known then what he knows now, would he have chosen differently? Would I have chosen differently? At the time we fully believed marriage was God's will for us and that He had chosen us for each other. I still believe that, but I guess I'm asking myself "why?" now that we're in a ditch. Certainly God knew this is how we would end up? And the writing is on the wall. If things don't change over the next several years we will go our separate ways eventually. My chest tightens at the mere thought of that, but I know my husband. When he's had enough, that will be it.

I feel so scared because the future of my marriage seems to rest squarely on my shoulders. Basically God will have to transform me into someone that, by nature, I'm not. I know nothing is impossible with Him, but I also know my human nature all too well and that's what scares me. So 2009 will be the year of change. It has to be. Consider this my metamorphosis, folks. And please bear with me as I go through what will probably be some very painful times. It is never fun nor easy to crucify the flesh but that's exactly what this ol' gal has to do. It's "pee or get off the pot" time. Here's to my future.

Facing the Music

2008-12-30T10:29:00.009-05:00

Today is the day I face the music. I'm going to see a cardiologist and I'm not too thrilled about it. I just happened to mention to my regular doctor recently that at times I've had little twinges of pain around my heart and the next thing you know, I was hooked up to an ekg machine. Of course everything was normal as far as my rhythms go, but I'm sure everything won't be normal when it comes to my cholesterol and triglycerides.

The last time I saw a cardiologist was 7 yrs ago. when I was going through all my anxiety stuff. I remember having to walk the treadmill. I thought I would die. And this was after I had lost a bunch of weight. I can't even imagine if he tries to put me on a treadmill in my current state. I won't last a minute. It's downright embarrassing is what it is. I feel so humiliated that I have let myself get to this point.

I guess you could say by going to see the doctor I am being proactive. I do not want to get on cholesterol meds. My husband takes those due to his family history, but I would rather control mine with diet and exercise and organic apple cider vinegar. Yeap, that's right. Good ol' acv. It's amazing the health benefits that can be found in that little tonic. One tsp. per 8 oz. of purified water before every meal and you will not only burn fat, you will do your body a huge favor in terms of health benefits.

If you don't believe me, let me just name a few: "Apple cider vinegar is made from fresh ripe apples that are fermented and undergo a stringent process to create the final product. The vinegar contains a host of vitamins, beta-carotene, pectin and vital minerals such as potassium, sodium, magnesium, calcium, phosphorous, chlorine, sulphur, iron, and fluorine. Pectin in the vinegar is a fiber which helps reduce bad cholesterol and helps in regulating blood pressure."

I dare you to google it for yourself. Perhaps that will make a believer out of you. The key is buying "organic". Braggs is a well-known brand that can be found at any health-food store in America. There are many others as well. With the new year approaching, I have to make some changes. Not just to my diet, but in many other areas as well. I think I will declare 2009 "The year of change" at least in my life. Just sitting around "hoping" things will get better ain't cutting it. In fact, that's the definition of insanity I do believe.

Nope, it's time I pull myself up by the boot-straps and get back in the saddle. I've been wallowing in the muck and mire of self-absorption for far too long. Change is a'comin'. My flesh has ruled me long enough. I know this is not something I can do in my own strength so I am calling on God to empower me to do what I need to do to turn my life around. My relationship with God, my health, my marriage, my relationship with my kids. It all has to change. I will start with God because without Him it's all futile anyway. My daily mantra for '09 will be "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Giddyup, y'all!!!!

Mothering Woes

2008-12-29T13:12:00.004-05:00

I make myself sick. Seriously. I am so the opposite of what a mother should be it's pitiful. I'm on vacation this week. I slept in til 11:15 this morning. That might have something to do with the fact that I stayed up till 1:45 last night. Nevertheless. Here I sit still in my pj's on the computer. My husband has already been home for lunch and I've pissed him off for the day. That's not hard to do. Here's what happened.

Averi and her friend, Savannah, came in to tell me they were hungry. My daughter stood next to me and repeated it 3 times in a row like a parrot, "Mom, we're hungry. Mom, we're hungry. Mom, we're hungry" until I finally got mad and said "Would you stop standing there repeating yourself like a broken record?" The truth is I didn't feel like being interrupted to fix them lunch. Instead I got up and went to the bathroom and when my daughter followed me in there to remind me again they were hungry I said "Go tell your dad."

See, I'm married to Mr. Mom so it's easy for me to put things off on him. What is my freakin' problem? Why can't I just be a normal mother? I live in my own world expecting everything around me just to continue functioning without my help. This has been my pattern my whole marriage. I sometimes wonder why God didn't slap my womb shut years ago. Not that I don't love my kids. I do. I'm just not very good at "mothering" them. I never have been.

I am fascinated with the perfect 50's mom (the Donna Reed, June Cleaver types) because they are so opposite from everything I am. It shames me. Deep down I have much disdain for myself because I can't seem to snap out of my self-centered ways. My husband is by nature a very self-sacrificing person so it goes without saying he's the perfect Dad. There is not much that is self-sacrificing about me so I am constantly in conflict with what I want to do vs. what needs to be done. And guess what? What I want to do usually wins out.

Somebody just slap me and get it over with. I know I'm a pitiful excuse for a mother. If someone had told me years ago how hard it would be I would've given serious thought to having kids. As it was, I had the dream of motherhood just like every other woman and as luck would have it, I was also very fertile. Now here I am 19 years into marriage and 16 years into motherhood and I still feel overwhelmed. It doesn't help that I'm A.D.D. Staying focused is a constant struggle if it's not something that interests me. Right now I have loads of laundry that need my attention but I would rather be doing something fun like blogging.

I remember hearing Dr. Phil say one time that "Life is 90% maintenance." UGH! How true it is and my husband often likes to remind me of it. I subscribe to the mantra that "girls just wanna have fun" but it doesn't seem to be working for me very much. I have managed to alienate my kids to a degree. They're not fooled. I may not say they're an inconvenience but my actions sure show that. My husband has completely disconnected emotionally and I can't blame him. We've even talked about going our separate ways but when it comes down to it, it's not what either of us want. He just says, "I want you to act right". Simple enough if I could only do it.

It's hard to be his gut-wrenchingly honest. I feel like I should win the award for "worst mother on the planet". I have no doubt if I really told other moms how I felt sometimes, they would judge me, especially those supermom types. I envy them. Motherhood comes so easy for them. Why did I get left out? God didn't give me that special "nurturing" gene I needed to be a good mom. Instead I have to struggle against my nature to try and be self-sacrificing and do it with a smile on my face and a pep in my step to boot. Is it any wonder I'm on medication for anxiety?

A Movie Weekend

2008-12-28T23:15:00.005-05:00

This has been quite the weekend for movies I must say. I normally don't go to movies because disposable income is not something we have in my house, and we certainly don't have an "entertainment" budget. It's all we can do to afford groceries so going to a movie is a rare treat indeed. Well, this weekend I got to see not one, but two movies. Well technically, Christmas day wasn't "the weekend" but it felt like it anyway.

I've been hankering to see Marley & Me ever since I read the book a couple mos. ago. I have to say I laughed my fool head off at that book. So hard, in fact, that I nearly choked and woke my teenage son up out of the bed. John Grogan just has a way of writing that makes you feel as though you're right there. And with a mind like I've got, I picture everything in living color as it is, so I could visualize every scene which made it all the more hilarious. After that, I knew this was one movie I had to see.

My mother-in-law, who is an avid animal lover, wanted to see it also. So on Christmas day, after she had wrenched her back at the dinner table from laughing too hard and nearly backed out on going, decided at the last minute "Oh what the heck! I'll go." So she, my daughter, and I took off down the road to the theater. That place was packed. We stood in the long line and slowly approached the ticket counter just praying they wouldn't sell out. Finally. We got to the window. "Three tickets for Marley & Me, please". The ticket-seller guy handed us our tickets then promptly slapped a pc. of paper on the window that said the 4:20 show of Marley & Me was sold out.

Behind us all you could hear were groans while the three of us just looked at each other thinking "we almost didn't make it" then we heaved a huge sigh of relief. Had we delayed one more minute getting there we would've missed out for sure and it would've been my MiL's fault. I'm glad she didn't have to bear that load of guilt. As it was, we barely got a seat. Third row from the front is where we ended up. My eyes had to do some serious adjusting and my reading glasses were no help. At least I didn't get a crick in my neck.

The movie starred Owen Wilson and Jennifer Anniston. I mean who can't love them, right? They were as good as I expected them to be. There were many funny moments in the movie and it followed the book pretty good. Of course no movie can ever capture everything you get in a book. It's just not possible, but overall, they did a good job. The hardest part was the end. I already knew what was coming and braced myself. You would've thought going into it I would've had sense enough to grab some napkins, but no. I was too hell-bent on finding a seat to think about my emotional state at the end.

I don't know who cried harder, me or my MiL. My 8 yr. old daughter just kept looking at her grandma, watching her cry. Not something she's used to seeing. I was a little concerned that she might get emotional herself because "My Dog Skip" nearly did her in the first time she watched it, but she held it together pretty good for a little girl who loves dogs. I wanted to break out into the "ugly cry" but some things just aren't proper in public so I just kept wiping and sniffling. If I had a dog I would've surely come home and given it extra love that day. This is one movie I highly recommend. Just make sure you take tissues.

Today it was "The Tale of Despereaux". My daughter had a friend over and being the good mom that I am (I really do try but often fail miserably), I knew we had to get out and do something fun lest I hear "Mom, we're bored" all day long. Luckily my husband had two $10's in his wallet which he gave us begrudgingly and the friend had $20 so that gave us $40 for some afternoon fun.

We first went to the Dollar Tree for snacks. I know that's probably unethical, but I can't bring myself to pay those exorbitant theater prices for candy. The girls picked out twizzlers and red hots and twix bars and lemonheads along with two Dr. Pepper's. As for me, I got myself a Diet Pepsi and stopped right there. I didn't even buy one pc. of chocolate. I had already decided on popcorn anyway. I figured that would be better than me filling up on sugar.

We got there in plenty of time and entered by way of Dillards so the girls could do a little shopping. Nothing would do but they had to buy a Webkins. They had the Lil'kins pigs marked down to $5 each which was all we could afford today and still see the movie so they each got one. My daughter got her spending fix so she was happy. On a sidenote, I've discovered that Dillards has the best prices by far on Webkins. Only $12 for the big ones and $10 for the little ones. Everywhere else you will pay $15 and $13. January's pet is the bulldog so we will be going back for that one.

We got our tickets and I paid $5.25 for a medium popcorn. All the other snacks as well as all 3 drinks were stashed in my purse which I had cleaned out right before we left home. When we rounded the corner to find our seats we discovered we were the first ones there. And it remained that way for about 15 minutes. Finally some other folks made their way inside although I was beginning to think we would have the theater all to ourselves.

The movie finally started and I must say the graphics were incredible. The storyline was just okay. I would probably give it 2.5 stars out of 5. The girls seemed to enjoy it and that's the main thing. They especially got tickled when someone behind us let out a big ol' poot. I heard this loud ripping sound, but it wasn't until the girls started giggling like mad that I knew I had heard right. I'm hoping it was the little boy and not his grandpa, although old folks have been known to have trouble "holding it in".

There are lots more movies I would like to see such as "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (mainly because I wanna see Brad Pitt) and "Doubt", about the pedophile priest. That one looks intense. Unless I get a load of money for my upcoming birthday though I will probably just wait until they come out on dvd, like I do everything else. At least this weekend was fun and I shan't soon forget it. Now I'm off to bed.

(((HUGS)))

Southern Mom