"Bootstrap Jane"

Today was one of those days that my world felt like it was spinning out of control much like a tornado. I have those about once a week lately. I've noticed when that happens it's usually in direct correlation to my thoughts which were definitely not of the positive variety. All I could manage to think about were the "unknowns" and the "what if's?" Before I knew it I had worked myself into a tailspin of anxiety.



I think I know somewhat how Peter felt when he stepped out of the boat to walk on water. The storm was raging all around him and the minute he took his eyes off Jesus he began to sink. Well, I must confess today I had me a good, old-fashioned "sinking spell". Yeap, I got down and wallered in the muck and mire of self-pity for awhile, somewhat like I imagine a pig to do when they burrow down in the mud. But guess what? I felt none the better for it. In fact, I only felt worse the more I allowed those thoughts to run willy-nilly through my head like so many headless chickens run amuk.
In case you're wondering why I was having such thoughts, it has been one month since I moved out of the house. These kinds of decisions are life-altering to say the least. For those who have been through it, you know exactly how I feel. For those who haven't, just pray you never do.

Today I was feeling especially insecure about my future. For those of you who don't know, the number 1 need of a woman is to feel secure, just like the no. 1 need of a man is to feel respected. Now that I no longer have a husband to take care of me I feel rather naked and exposed. It's unnerving to feel so disconnected when you've just spent the last 20 years of your life being connected to one man.

I hardly know what to do with myself. I want something to cling to. Something to sink my teeth into. Somewhere to land. A soft place to fall. I want security. I want to feel protected. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel cherished. Will I ever have that again?

After having a complete meltdown during my lunch hour I had to come back to work and pull myself up by the bootstraps. Just call me "Bootstrap Jane". It finally dawned on me that worrying about all the unknowns ain't helping me one iota. That's when I decided to grab hold of my thoughts and counteract them with things I truly believe about myself such as:

I'm charming

I'm intelligent

I'm beautiful

I'm spiritual

I'm emotional

I'm funny

I'm sexy

I'm strong

I'm compassionate

I'm a child of God. (And for the record, He promised to never leave me or forsake me.)

Let me just tell you in case you haven't figured out this little tidbit of info yet. Dwelling on the future before it gets here is just "borrowing trouble" as a dear friend reminded me recently. Since our perceptions color our realities I had to make the conscious choice to stop dwelling on the negative.

I think your prayers probably helped. I felt them today. I went from turmoil to peace in a matter of minutes this afternoon while sitting at my desk pondering. Who can explain the peace of God? You really can't. But when you experience it, you know it. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will leave you with this. It is true that the battlefield of the mind is where our greatest battles are won or lost. So for today I have made the choice to dwell on the positive. All I can do is take one day at a time just like Jesus admonished us in the book of Matthew. Easier said than done, I know, but it can be done. And with that, I share with you this passage of scripture. Perhaps it will help someone else besides me today.

The Cure for Anxiety: Matthew 6:25-34 (NASV)

25"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to
what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will
put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
26"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor
gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth
much more than they?
27"And who of you by being worried can add a
single hour to his life?
28"And why are you worried about clothing?
Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,
29yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed
himself like one of these.
30"But if God so clothes the grass of the
field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not
much more clothe you? You of little faith!
31"Do not worry then,
saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for
clothing?'
32"For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your
heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33"But seek
first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to
you.
34"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.