My weight-loss journey (so far)

With the holidays upon us I realize this is the time of year when most people gain an average of 8 lbs. however I am determined to lose at least that much, if not more.  As most of you know who know me, I have battled weight most of my life.  Many of you fight the same battle. The only time I was a normal size was in my teens and 20's up until I got pregnant with my first child then it was all over.  I have spent the past 17 years fighting the battle of the bulge and mostly letting it win. 

The truth is I did not believe I was worth the effort so I just resigned myself to being fat.  It was easier to eat then to deny myself what I considered one of my few pleasures in life.  Afterall, food tastes good.  Let's just admit that right now.  However, anything done in excess becomes harmful.  Instead of eating to live, I lived to eat.  A hallmark sign of a food addict of which I am.  It took admitting that to myself before I could really deal with my core issues.  I believe that is what has made the difference "this time". 

Diets don't work.  They simply do not.  Sure, they provide a quick fix in that they deal with the symptoms and you can certainly lose weight by "dieting".  However, most people gain their weight back and then some because they stop dieting.  They don't deal with the core issue of why they eat which more likely than not, is rooted in food addiction.  Let's face it.  Refined sugar (the other white stuff) is like a drug in its own right.  The more you eat it, the more you want it.  And I should know because I was the queen of the sweet tooth.     

Unlike drug or alcohol addiction, food is not something we can live without, therefore I have come to the conclusion that food addiction has to be managed on a daily basis if it is to be conquered.  And I even say that with caution because I realize addiction is something you don't just "get over".  You have to make daily choices that either contribute to your recovery or contaminate your recovery.  It is literally a one-day-at-a-time proposition.

So what motivated me this time?  I will tell you.  My children did.  At least that's what got me started down this road.  I was tired of being an embarrassment to my kids.  My oldest son has spent his entire life with a fat mom.  In spite of my promises over the years to "lose the weight" I never managed to do it.  At least not all the way.  Now here he is in his Sr. year of HS and I thought, "If I could lose the wt. this year and actually go to his graduation a perfectly normal size then I will have succeeded in keeping my promise to him" even if it is "a day late and a dollar short".

Furthermore, I have two more children who are approaching their teen years and I do not want them going thru middle and high school ashamed of their mother.  It was a big wake-up call to me when Evan refused to let me attend his 6th grade orientation in August.  When I asked him why he simply pointed to my stomach.  Ouch.  The truth hurts.  It made me feel good the other day though when I asked him if he could tell I had lost weight and he said yes, then pointed to where my stomach used to be.  Ahhh... progress.

With Averi being a girl, I especially worry about her.  For starters I don't want her dealing with weight issues the way I did in elementary school.  So far she has managed to keep her weight down to normal, but I know unless I model healthy behavior for her she could just as easily end up going down the same road I did.  There is too much heartache down that road and if I can spare her that pain, I will do it.

When I started this journey my cholesterol was 233 and my triglycerides were 214.  That was in June.  In October I went for my yearly physical and to my utter delight, and that of my doctor, my cholesterol had dropped to 183 and my triglycerides to 148.  Those are numbers I can live with.  In case you're wondering how I have done it I will tell you.  There is no magic wand but there are things you can do that will contribute to weight-loss.

The first thing I did was cut out junk-food and bread.  I know from past experience that if I want to manage my weight I will have to greatly reduce my carb-intake and increase my protein.  That doesn't mean I never eat carbs.  I just choose them wisely.  I have also discovered these incredible protein bars at Walmart called "Total Value".  They come in 4 flavors: Chocolate Peanut Butter, Smores, Chocolate Deluxe, and Chocolate Chip.  $6.62/box for six.  I've tried them all and unlike a lot of protein bars, these actually taste really good.  I eat them in place of a meal or as a snack because they stick with you and give you about 20 grams of protein per bar therefore you don't get hungry afterwards.

In addition to the protein bars, I eat a lot of raw veggies with deli-sliced chicken and colby-jack cheese on the side or a salad for lunch.  If I want a pc. of fruit or some nuts for a snack later on, I eat it.  I figure if it comes from nature it can't be bad for you even if it does contain sugar.  At least it's "natural" sugar.  A good rule-of-thumb when in doubt is this, "If you can't pick it or grow it, don't eat it." 

I think water is key too.  Lucky for me I actually like water.  I need to drink more of it.  Another big change I made was no eating after 7:00 at night... period.  Oh, and walking helps, too, although I need to do more of that as well.  I have greatly reduced the amount of food I eat but the amazing thing is I don't stay hungry all the time like I used to.  Get the sugar out of your system and the cravings simply disappear.  It's amazing how that works.

I'm embarrassed to admit this but you may as well know that I set a goal to lose 100 lbs. by 7/04/10.  How or why I ever let myself get that out-of-control in the first place is beyond me but the good news is DJ is back in control.  She is no longer a slave to food.  In 5 mos. I am only one lb. away from being halfway to my goal.  I am excited that for the first time in my life I have actually set a goal that I know I will reach.  This time it's just different, folks.  I know I will get there.  After that, it will be all downhill from there. 

I think the biggest factor in my success is that I am learning to love myself again.  I have realized that I am worth the effort to get healthy, to look good, and to be happy.  If I don't do it for me, then who will?  I have finally learned that I am in charge of my own happiness.  Sitting around wallowing in self-pity got me nowhere except more miserable.  As overwhelming as 100 lbs. seemed at first I could not let that deter me.  It's only a number. 

We've all heard it said "God can't steer a parked car."  Well, you have to start somewhere.  Just take that first step.  Just for that day.  Then when tomorrow comes, take another step. Just for that day.  And as you do this you will start gaining momentum and from there it just gets easier and easier.  More than anything though, it's not what you lose that makes the biggest difference.  It's what you gain on the inside that will really change your life... self-love, self-discipline, and self-respect.  Those are things I can't put a price on, my friends.           

"You're fat because you wanna be"

I remember the first time I heard Dr. Phil tell a fat person, "You're fat because you wanna be" I laughed. Why did I laugh? Mainly from the shock of it. But it's true when you stop and think about it. He is a big proponent that you can "behave your way to success" and I suppose in many ways, he's right. I have behaved my way to success in the past and lost 80 lbs. only to turn around and gain it all back over the course of several years.

I'll admit I'm a diehard food addict. I suppose everyone has their vices. You could pour an ice-cold beer in front of me and I would turn my nose up at it. Personally I think beer tastes like horse-piss not that I've ever actually drank horse-piss but you get the idea. I can honestly say I've never tried drugs. Not even one puff from a marijuana stick. Nor have I ever watched porn. I've always tried to stay away from the things society turns its nose up at. However, food is another story altogether. We have to have it to survive, for one thing. Secondly, when you grow up in the deep south pretty much all your socializing revolves around it. Therefore, my relationship with food started in childhood. Instead of living by the motto, "I eat to live", mine was always "I live to eat".

I decided two months ago to face this mountain of weight once again. It needs to come off because frankly, I don't want to die young. I would also like to bring my sexy back. It's been years since I felt that way. Women want to feel beautiful. They want to feel special. They want to feel needed by their man. So I figure bringing sexy back can only help matters.

Sexy aside, one of the biggest motivating factors though is the fact that I have been an embarrassment to my kids all these years. My oldest son is a Sr. in HS and he's only ever known me "fat". Now my 11 yr. old son is starting middle school and he literally did not want me going to the open-house with him and his dad this week because he was so embarrassed. When I asked him "why?" he simply pointed to my belly. The same belly that carried his 9 lb. 1 oz. self for 9 mos., mind you.

In two more years my daughter, who is an extremely verbal child like her eldest brother, will be starting middle school. I figure if I want to enjoy their middle and high school years without having my feelings crushed on a weekly basis, not to mention being kept in hiding, I had better do something about it. I can't get mad at them. I brought this on myself and they deserve better. I want to be a mom they can be proud to be seen with.

Now you should know I've always been about the "quick fix". LOL! I got the bright idea to get that lap-band surgery and even went so far as to attend a seminar about it, but in the end I opted to try it on my own for year. I mean give it a real honest effort. My husband did not support the idea of surgery. He's one of these that believes you build character through doing things the hard way, meaning old-fashioned diet and exercise.

I honestly didn't wanna hear that. I wanted to stroll my fat self up to the hospital, have them put me to sleep and insert a band around my stomach so I would be forced to stop stuffing my face, and vomit if I dared to try. I know many people (I can think of at least 10 right now) who have had gastric-bypass surgery successfully and like me, they were desperate to do something about their weight after years of trying every diet in the book. I realize that diets don't work. They really don't. I'm living proof of that.

So I decided on June 28th to start controlling my carb-intake. Now mind you, I didn't say I quit eating carbs. I just became more mindful of the types of carbs I ingested. A good rule of thumb is "If you can't grow it or pick it, don't eat it." By doing that, I lost 15 lbs. my first month. Then I started allowing myself more and more of the bad carbs again. Sugar is like that you know. One taste of it and the addiction comes roaring back. Of course it doesn't help matters that we had 3 birthdays at the office this month which always means a "Joretta Cake". (Joretta is a lady in town who is known for her cakes). The first being her famous Hershey Bar Cake which looks something like this.




The very next week we were treated to Joretta's keylime cake.
And this week it was her famous Caramel poundcake.




Now I ask you. Could you have resisted such culinary delights? Talk about heaven in your mouth! That'll do it right there! But now the party is over. I have got to get a grip because Lord knows this weight ain't coming off by itself. Therefore I am officially back in the saddle again. Just pray that once I lose it I will win the lottery so I can afford all the plastic surgery I'll need to repair this body. Lord knows I'll need it.

Facing the Music

Today is the day I face the music. I'm going to see a cardiologist and I'm not too thrilled about it. I just happened to mention to my regular doctor recently that at times I've had little twinges of pain around my heart and the next thing you know, I was hooked up to an ekg machine. Of course everything was normal as far as my rhythms go, but I'm sure everything won't be normal when it comes to my cholesterol and triglycerides.

The last time I saw a cardiologist was 7 yrs ago. when I was going through all my anxiety stuff. I remember having to walk the treadmill. I thought I would die. And this was after I had lost a bunch of weight. I can't even imagine if he tries to put me on a treadmill in my current state. I won't last a minute. It's downright embarrassing is what it is. I feel so humiliated that I have let myself get to this point.

I guess you could say by going to see the doctor I am being proactive. I do not want to get on cholesterol meds. My husband takes those due to his family history, but I would rather control mine with diet and exercise and organic apple cider vinegar. Yeap, that's right. Good ol' acv. It's amazing the health benefits that can be found in that little tonic. One tsp. per 8 oz. of purified water before every meal and you will not only burn fat, you will do your body a huge favor in terms of health benefits.

If you don't believe me, let me just name a few: "Apple cider vinegar is made from fresh ripe apples that are fermented and undergo a stringent process to create the final product. The vinegar contains a host of vitamins, beta-carotene, pectin and vital minerals such as potassium, sodium, magnesium, calcium, phosphorous, chlorine, sulphur, iron, and fluorine. Pectin in the vinegar is a fiber which helps reduce bad cholesterol and helps in regulating blood pressure."

I dare you to google it for yourself. Perhaps that will make a believer out of you. The key is buying "organic". Braggs is a well-known brand that can be found at any health-food store in America. There are many others as well. With the new year approaching, I have to make some changes. Not just to my diet, but in many other areas as well. I think I will declare 2009 "The year of change" at least in my life. Just sitting around "hoping" things will get better ain't cutting it. In fact, that's the definition of insanity I do believe.

Nope, it's time I pull myself up by the boot-straps and get back in the saddle. I've been wallowing in the muck and mire of self-absorption for far too long. Change is a'comin'. My flesh has ruled me long enough. I know this is not something I can do in my own strength so I am calling on God to empower me to do what I need to do to turn my life around. My relationship with God, my health, my marriage, my relationship with my kids. It all has to change. I will start with God because without Him it's all futile anyway. My daily mantra for '09 will be "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Giddyup, y'all!!!!

Battle of the Bulge

Battle of the Bulge 291.6 is the number that greeted me on the scale this morning when I forced myself to face the mountain. Again. This is a battle I have fought pretty much all my life and I would be lying if I didn't admit to being battle-weary. It just reaches a point sometimes that I don't care anymore. I do but I don't. My teenage son often asks me, "Mom, why are you so fat?" to which I reply "Because I wanna be". At least that's what Dr. Phil would say. The truth is I don't wanna be fat, but my addiction to food (namely sugar) keeps me in an ongoing struggle. It would appear the pleasure of food outweighs the risks I'm taking with my health. And that's not a good thing.

The last time I found myself at this weight my daughter was a year old. I weighed in at 298 and I told myself something must be done. 300 lbs. was my absolute cut-off point. That was over 7 yrs. ago. A friend introduced me to Weight Watchers and for the next year and a half I was diligent. I wrote down everything I ate and carefully kept track of my points. I managed to lose 80 lbs. doing that and although I never reached my goal, it was still a huge accomplishment for me.

I did really well maintaining the weight-loss until we moved to NC nearly 4 yrs. ago. That's when everything changed.I made up my mind that I was tired of dieting and that I wanted weight-loss surgery so guess what? I gave up. I quit watching what I ate and found myself indulging my fleshly appetites on a regular basis. Little by little I just kept gaining weight. I figured why bother dieting if I'm just gonna have surgery? Might as well eat what I want while I can, right? Wrong! Surgery ain't gonna happen, folks. I figured that out a year ago but I just kept stuffing my gullet. And now I am once again faced with what I have done to my body and it ain't pretty, folks.

I had a long heart-to-heart with my husband this morning because I'm supposed to see a cardiologist on Tuesday. I want to cancel the appt. for the sheer fact that I don't want to be faced with what I know is coming. Yet, I can't continue to live in this bubble of denial I've created for myself. Going to the doctor will probably be just the impetus I need to get me heading in the right direction. I won't lie. My flesh is screaming. I bawled my eyes out at just the thought of having to climb this mountain yet again. Yes, food has that much of a hold on me. Why is change so hard?

The question I have to ask myself though is "Is it worth it?" My marriage is in the ditch. Not because I'm fat, but because I don't try. When it comes to DJ, I put forth no effort and that, my friends, is a huge turn-off to my husband. He has never demanded or even expected a perfect body from me. All he wants to see is effort and a willingness to try. Instead I've been more concerned about my next piece of cake or chocolate while my sex-life has become non-existent. It's sad to admit that food has been more important to me than a relationship with my husband, the most important man on earth to me. I miss the intimacy we once shared... the connection we once had. I believe we can get it back again because deep down we still love each other. I just need to change. That's all there is to it.

With the new year on the horizon I have made a decision to start with baby steps. The first one being to cut out refined sugar. Oh, just saying that puts a knot in my stomach even now. I feel my chest tightening with anxiety at the mere thought. I will be 44 yrs. old on January 11th and this will be the first year I don't get a cake. I have told my husband in lieu of a cake I want a fruit salad. At this point I am no different than an alcoholic going through rehab. I simply cannot allow myself to indulge in the white stuff because it will set me back. I am convinced sugar is just as much a drug as heroine or cocaine, only it's legal. What have I done to myself? Detox is the only answer and for me it will have to be cold turkey. There is no other way. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

(((HUGS)))

Southern Mom

8:30:00 PM