The End of my Marriage

I honestly never thought I would see the day that I would post a blog about the end of my marriage, but sadly, that day is here. I also know this is going to come as a complete shock to many of my friends, but after 20 yrs. of marriage Darin and I have decided to go our separate ways. It all came to a head a month ago, although it's been heading in this direction for several years.

I moved out Sept. 5th. The kids are with Darin. We will not uproot their world just because it was my choice to leave. Don't think I made the choice lightly. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I cried buckets for 4 days during that week he & I were making this decision. Needless to say my world is spinning. His world is spinning. This man was my best friend. I thought we would grow old together. It was not to be.

I have purposely waited a month before posting anything although some of you may have noticed my very obvious status change on Facebook to "single". I appreciate all the private emails of encouragement I have gotten. Believe me, when you go through something like this it feels like a death. I keep finding myself asking is there life after divorce? If any of you have lived through it and found happiness again, please post your comments. I would love to hear your story. I need all the encouragement I can get.

I have never felt so displaced or disconnected from anything and everything in my life. I find myself in limbo-land and it's scary as hell to be honest. Darin was my world for years. My rock of gibralter. Yes, we were polar opposites but that seemed to work for us for many years. It seemed the longer we stayed together though, the less entertaining it was and the more frustrating it became. I've always heard how couples can grow apart, and I often wondered how that could happen. Now I know.

Oh, it was nothing major. Not the usual "deal-breakers" in a marriage like drugs, alcohol, porn, adultery, or financial stress. In our case, it was the "little foxes that spoiled the vine". Our emotional-bank account went empty for years. Needs unmet. Wants ignored. Dreams unfulfilled. Wishes not granted. Finally, it took it's toll.

Everything changed when we moved to NC 4.5 yrs. ago. For many years we were involved in church-work so it was easy to slap a bandaid on our issues and "walk in love" like we had been taught. However, once we got in an environment without religion to hide behind, all the junk floated to the surface. There was no more slapping a bandaid on it.

Darin describes his side as "one day the light went out". He fell out of love with me and we lost our connection. He begs to differ with me on the definition of "love" but I say there is a distinct difference between loving someone and being "in love". Yes, I know love is a choice. And for years we made that choice although we were both unhappy and frustrated. We were still committed to each other and to our kids. We talked about separating many times but when it came down to it, neither of us could actually do it.

I suppose sometimes it's just more convenient to stay miserable in your marriage rather than rock your world. I had resigned myself to living in a loveless, sexless marriage at least until the kids finished growing up but recently I had an epiphany. I realized that this is not how marriage should be. Living like two roommates. I also realized that I deserve more and Darin deserves more so why continue to beat a dead horse?

I know many of you who know us may be wondering why we aren't "believing God" for our marriage and all I can say to that is when it's over, it's over. Neither one of us have the emotional or spiritual energy to expend on the marriage. We had 20 years together. Neither of us consider it a waste. If nothing else, we produced three beautiful children. It's simply time to move on.

We were two totally different people 20 years ago. We had a very strong spiritual connection in addition to being best friends. And yes, we did love each other. But life came along and over time, all that changed. We grew apart. Dreams changed. Goals Changed. Life Changed. We Changed. The good part of all this is that we are still friends. I've heard it said there's no such thing as an amicable divorce, but I think Darin and I just might pull it off.

On Friday we will sign the separation agreement. In NC you have to live separately for one year before a divorce is granted. It all still seems so surreal. Like it's happening to someone else. Although I have accepted it, I still have good days and bad. There are times I feel as though I could have a fullblown panic attack just thinking about my future and all the "unknowns". Thank God for Effexor is all I can say. It keeps me steady. That and my faith. I know none of this took God by surprise. He's still the same God that has guided me my whole entire life. I don't expect Him to abandon me now.

I plan to take this next year of my life to work on Donna Jane. To figure out why my marriage failed and how not to make the same mistakes again. I prayed a prayer about 5 years ago that God would make me healthy- spirit, soul, and body. I have been amazed as I look back over my journey the past several years at how God has answered that prayer. It has been said, "Be careful what you pray for. You just might get it." I can attest that this much is true. Right now I feel as though I'm a caterpillar locked away in my chrysalis, but in time I shall emerge a beautiful butterfly. Just hide and watch.

Where's a magic wand when I need it?

Here I sit on the last day of 2008 thinking about the new year and wondering how it will be different from this year. Lord knows something has to change. It's hard not to feel overwhelmed by all that faces me... my weight, my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my spiritual life. It's a lot to consider. Where's a magic wand when I need it? As you know if you've read my other posts, my weight as ballooned out of control to the point that I now fall among the morbidly obese of our society. Is it any wonder my kids are embarrassed and ashamed of me? If I don't lose weight for me, I should at least do it for them.

Unfortunately, Ashton has had to endure his whole life with a fat mama. That's what he calls me, yk? "Hey, fat mama... why are you so fat?" If I were of a more sensitive nature I would be reduced to tears on a daily basis from the constant taunting. And if that's not enough, Averi has taken after him calling me "fatty" whenever she gets angry. The only child of mine to never be mean to me is Evan, yet I know deep down he has to be embarrassed, too. I often wonder how I ended up with two choleric children. They have no trouble voicing their opinions let me tell ya.

I think part of the issue with the kids, aside from me being fat, is I have no energy (because I'm fat) therefore I sit around a lot while they see their daddy running around busy as a bee. It makes me look lazy and unproductive. Granted, I will never be as motivated and goal-oriented as my husband. He is a dang workaholic, but I could definitely do more than I do. I have lost their respect. That hurts, yet I brought it on myself. There may be time to salvage the years I have left with Evan and Averi, but Ashton? I think it's too late.

As for my marriage? Well, it's nothing major. It's the "little foxes" that over the years have "spoiled the vine". My husband, by nature, is a giver. He finds joy in serving others and is one of the kindest persons you'll ever meet. This plays naturally into his role as a Dad. The kids simply adore him because he has always put them first. For many years, he did everything around the house. I had it made. Then about 8 yrs. ago he woke up and decided "no more". He got angry. He felt taken advantage of and used. Although that was never my intention, EVER, I understand why someone like him would feel that way after years of doing everything.

We fell into an unhealthy pattern early on because he was so good at certain things and I wasn't. We just did what we did every day never realizing down the road it would hurt our marriage. None of it was intentional on my part. Sadly, I just didn't have a clue so I stayed lost in my little world, doing my own thing while he kept things running and slowly dying inside. Now here we are 19 yrs. later and we live as two roommates in the same household. We don't fight. For the most part we get along just fine like two friends would, but there is no romance... no intimacy... no emotional connection and certainly no sex.

I could count on two hands the number of times we've had sex in the last 4 years. As of this post, it's been over a year. Marriage experts say a couple's sex-life is a definite indicator of the emotional health of their marriage. Sex isn't everything, but when it's not happening at all, it becomes everything. Why he hasn't kicked my butt to the curb I'll never know. If he was like most men he would've gotten rid of me years ago. But he's loyal and committed and deep down he still hopes I'll change. He says he loves me, but that love is buried so deeply underneath all the other toxic emotions that it's hard to feel the "ooey gooey's" these days.

There is no quick fix for this and sad to say, no magic wands either. This is not something that will straighten out after a month of me doing dishes and taking care of the kids with a smile on my face. It's going to take time to turn this ship around. A lot of it. And for me it will take conscious effort every. single. day. because I know how I am. I will do good for a few days, then I'll fall back into old patterns. I don't mean to. It just happens until I do something else to anger my husband and I "wake up" again.

I swear I think something is missing from my brain. Some sort of chip that would make me do right. I really am not like other wives and moms. I have always felt inferior especially when I have friends whom I deem to be "perfect" wives and mothers. It's awful being a woman born with her very own breasts and vagina, yet not fitting the mold of what a woman should be. What society expects. Especially Christian society which is all I've ever been surrounded with. You would think just by virtue of being born female I would fit the mold but I'm here to tell you, that's not always the case.

Overall, I'm a very confident person, but when it comes to the homefront I fall apart. There is this constant feeling of being overwhelmed, looking around and not knowing how to get it all done. It's no wonder I suffered from depression, then developed a fullblown anxiety disorder when I was a stay-at-home-mom for 8 years. My life was nothing but chaos. I lack the organizational skills that it takes to run a household which is why my husband had always picked up the slack. He's the most organized, scheduled, on-task human being I know. And I had to marry him. Well, they say opposites attract so there must have been something about me way-back-when that he found just as attractive.

I have to wonder though if he had known then what he knows now, would he have chosen differently? Would I have chosen differently? At the time we fully believed marriage was God's will for us and that He had chosen us for each other. I still believe that, but I guess I'm asking myself "why?" now that we're in a ditch. Certainly God knew this is how we would end up? And the writing is on the wall. If things don't change over the next several years we will go our separate ways eventually. My chest tightens at the mere thought of that, but I know my husband. When he's had enough, that will be it.

I feel so scared because the future of my marriage seems to rest squarely on my shoulders. Basically God will have to transform me into someone that, by nature, I'm not. I know nothing is impossible with Him, but I also know my human nature all too well and that's what scares me. So 2009 will be the year of change. It has to be. Consider this my metamorphosis, folks. And please bear with me as I go through what will probably be some very painful times. It is never fun nor easy to crucify the flesh but that's exactly what this ol' gal has to do. It's "pee or get off the pot" time. Here's to my future.