Hitting Rock Bottom...

And before you think it, No, this is not a pity-party. This is about that thing in life known as hitting rock bottom. We often hear of this in terms of people with addictions. It is a commonly-held belief that before people can truly get help and start on the road to recovery they must hit "bottom". In other words, have every crutch knocked out from underneath them which usually involves losing something or someone near and dear to them.

Sad to say many who find themselves in this place end up committing suicide while still others use it to turn their lives around. I totally "get" why someone in this place might want to die. It is a scary, dark, lonely place that feels extremely hopeless. It is very easy to fall into despair and self-pity especially when there is no support around you, whether that be due to abandonment or geographic location. The fact is we, as human beings, need each other. Nobody can walk the road to recovery alone.

I have found myself on this road due to the demise of my marriage. I have truly hit rock bottom and reality is starting to sink in. I had a couple of "freak-out" days this week where I crawled up in my pity-pot and started with the "woe is me" stuff. That never benefits anybody especially the person throwing the party. While I do appreciate all the love, support, and encouragement from my Facebook friends, it ultimately falls to me to make the choice to put on my big girl panties and walk through this. I will be the first to admit I have pretty much lived in diapers and a bib most of my life.

I have an addictive-personality and while drugs and alcohol have never been my vices, religion and food were so the same principles apply. I happened to marry a very codependent man who was more than glad to "take care" of me throughout most of our marriage. It met a need in him and to be honest, it met a need in me. I liked being taken care of. It eschewed me of responsibility if Darin was always there to clean up my messes and pick up the pieces. Unfortunately, he got burnt out after years of that. It's no wonder his love for me died. I can't blame him. I take full responsiblity for my part in the destruction of our relationship.

The truth is, folks, I have "ishahs". (That's another way of saying "issues.") I have some serious work to do on Donna Jane. And believe you me, I have looked for every crutch I could find to keep from having to face this alone, but when it comes down to it God has seen to it that every crutch has been removed or withdrawn. Imagine with me a racetrack if you will. In the old days, I would have wanted someone to pull me behind them in a wagon while they did all the work. Now I find myself on the track with no wagon, just my own two feet. It's up to me to run this race while my family and friends cheer me from the sidelines. Nothing wrong with support. We all need it, but they can't do it for me.

I am just now accepting this reality after six weeks of separation. It hit me hardest this week when Darin informed me I can no longer participate in our family traditions with the kids such as our annual pumpkin carving this weekend or Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. The fact that I can't be a part of "the family" the way it used to be hurt me deeply. He says I have to start my own traditions with the kids. Let me just tell you that was a hard pill to swallow. Add to that I've had a month to learn how to make a budget, to set up bill-pay, take my car to the shop for an oil-change and put air in my tires. All stuff Darin used to do. That may seem silly and minor to many of you, but to me it's a major life-change. It's Donna Jane growing up at age 44. Finally.

I won't lie. I've had to fight some serious anxiety today. It just hangs in my chest and moves up to my throat like a lump trying to overwhelm me and there have been tears, but I just kept telling myself, "You can do this. One day at a time. God is with you. He won't let you fail. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." It takes a lot of positive self-talk to pull yourself out of the pit and I'll be honest, it goes against our flesh sometimes. (Well, most of the time if we're honest.) But somehow in the midst of our pain and our struggles we have to find the inner-strength that, (for me) comes from God, and be our own cheerleader.

If nothing else, in the midst of this mess, I find myself turning back to God and that is the silver-lining in all this. I have been a lost sheep for several years trying to find my way home. I'm reminded of how Jesus left the 99 to go after the one. He loves me enough to pursue me even if it means allowing my world to fall apart. Sometimes we're hard-headed and we only learn the hard way. I have always been "God's Girl" even from a young child. Who was I kidding to think He would ever let me go? God is passionate about His children.

Lately I'm reminded of the verse "He who has begun a good work in you shall perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." I even dreamed about it last week. I gave up my God-dreams 4.5 yrs. ago when we moved to NC. I put them on the shelf never to take them off again. In fact, I told God, if this "supposed call" You've put on my life is real then you will literally have to drop it (ministry) in my lap because I'm done. You see, I had made the mistake for over 20 years of "pursuing ministry" rather than pursuing God. And God, (I believe) in His mercy pulled the religion rug right out from under me, but that's another blog for another time.

I found out today that my church is starting a divorce recovery class in November so guess who will be there? Yours truly. I feel that right now it would be the best thing for me especially now that I'm just starting to go back to church after a 2 yr. break. I want to be a healthy person for myself, first and foremost, then for my kids and finally, any future relationship I might be blessed to have again, whether that be with Darin (by some miracle of God) or another man altogether. Ultimately I just want God's best for dj and I believe I can have it.

For now I just want everyone to know that I'm starting to believe it when people tell me I will be okay. That I will make it. Does that mean no more meltdowns? I'm sure not. But in the middle of those meltdowns I will just remind myself of the old hymn, "There are many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand." After all, I'm God's favorite child, and that's how we all should feel.

Peeling back the layers of the Onion...

In recovery there's a process called "taking inventory". That's where I seem to find myself lately. Doing a lot of thinking and digging and soul-searching. A dear friend told me I must exercise "vigorous honesty" and I must confess it is extremely uncomfortable to take a magnifying glass to your soul. To look deep inside. To peel back all the layers of the onion. Who honestly enjoys that? It's painful. It's ugly. It hurts. But I know if I am ever to be healthy and whole as a person it's a process I must go through so I have submitted myself to it, kicking and screaming.

It has been said the only way out of pain is through it. You can't go over it. You can't go under it. You can't go around it. And you certainly can't skip it. So I embrace it knowing there is greater good to come out of it. Not saying God is the source of pain, but He sure will use it to our full advantage if we submit to the process. Afterall, He is the potter. We are the clay. And I imagine those clay ovens get pretty hot. However I know, "when He has tried me, I shall come forth as pure gold."

You can't go through a separation/divorce without thinking about where you went wrong. How you got so far off-track. The saying goes, "Live life with no regrets." While that sounds great in theory, I wonder how many of us actually do that? Today I have been examining myself and I must say I do have regrets. There are so many things that if I could do over, I would. Unfortunately once things are done, they're done. I can't go back and change them. Some lessons are only learned the hard way. ~sigh~

I stopped by the house (I can't even call it mine anymore) to see the kids after work yesterday. I was standing in the kitchen watching Darin cook for the children when he looked up at me. It reminded me of old times when I would stand in that exact spot leaning against the counter and we would talk about our day while he cooked. He instinctively knew something was eating at me. He asked if I'd had a rough day at work. I told him it wasn't really work that was bothering me. I tried to act normal but he knew. He just looked at me with that look he used to give me that said, "Out with it, Jane."

That's when the tears started. There wasn't much I could say really. The kids were there, but I wanted so badly to tell him, "I'm so sorry for all the ways I disappointed you in our marriage. For not being the wife you needed me to be. For not being the mother I should have been. For not being the partner I could have been." Now it's too late. I can't undo 20 years. So I grieve the loss. Regrets? Yes, I am chockful of them.

For those of you who are married, I beg you don't let the "little foxes spoil the vine". Listen to your partner. Love them. Respect them. Put them first. Show affection and tenderness towards them. Don't let little things fester into big things. It has been proven that the number one killer of intimacy in a marriage is anger and resentment. I know because I have lived it. I lived in an emotional divorce for years before we ever decided to go our separate ways. Certainly we tried to find our way back to each other, but we were two ships lost at sea. We simply couldn't find our way back to safe harbour.

Don't let things get so far gone in your marriage that you can't find your way back home. Hug your spouse daily. Kiss them. Try to remember the 10-second rule. It works. I promise. (And yes, we did try it a few times.) Tell them how much you appreciate them. Don't focus on their negatives. Remember why you fell in love with them. I'm no marriage expert (obviously), but they say hindsight is 20/20. I can attest to that.

I used to adhere to the old adage, "Love conquers all." It doesn't. I used to think great marriages just happened. They don't. I never realized how much work it took to have a healthy relationship. It does. So I admonish you to do whatever it takes to keep those fires burning. My marriage is over. The fire went out years ago. Darin and I have both made the choice to move on. And for those of you who want to sit in the seat of judgment, just remember you haven't walked in our shoes. We have made our decision and we will live with that choice. So. Moving right along...

While I was there I found out Ashton's Sr. proofs had come in so I asked to see the pictures. When Darin handed me the proof-book I totally lost it. Ashton looked so handsome it literally took my breath away. I ran to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I looked through each picture through my tears feeling so proud of my son, yet at the same time feeling nothing but regret and sorrow. Regret for the years I've lost. Sorrow for the relationship we do not have. Shame for not being the mother I should have been.

Mothers, I'm telling you now through my tears and pain to love your kids and sacrifice for them while they're young. Yes, it can be hard and rigorous and emotionally-trying, but I'm living proof that if you don't do it you will eat the fruit of it when they're older. And it will not be sweet. Today I eat the bitter fruit of regret and it tastes something awful. All I can do now is hope and pray that one day God will turn things around and have mercy on me and restore what I've lost.

21 years ago before I was married, let alone a mother, it was "prophesied" over me that I would have "much sorrow concerning children, but that the Lord would turn it around for His glory." At the time I had no clue what that could mean so I put it on the shelf. Now I know what it means. I don't think anything or anyone can make a mother's heart feel so much love and so much pain like that of their own children. Thank God I know the healer of broken hearts though. I am clinging to the last part of that "word". That God will turn it around for His glory and bring something beautiful out of the ashes of my life.

Now you see why I have been doing some serious inventory of my life. I believe so much of our dysfunction as human beings stems from the hurt and pain of childhood. So many things get buried in the recesses of our mind as we grow up that we just forget, but our inner child never forgets. It takes a lot of self-examination and vigorous honesty to dig down deep. I believe God wants His children healthy- spirit, soul, and body. Oftimes we focus on our spiritual lives and our physical bodies, but we forget all about our soul- the emotional part of us that shapes so much of who we are and what we do. If one part of us is out-of-whack, it throws everything off-kilter. We must have balance in our lives to be healthy. And that, my friends, is what I'm striving for.