The Art of Surrender...

As Christians, most of us are familiar with the old hymn, "I Surrender All". Can't you just hear the words now?

All To Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely Give.
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all.
I surrender all.
All to thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all.

Yet how many of us truly live a surrendered life? I have to admit that I certainly haven't been. Until lately, that is, and even now I have to make the choice "daily" to surrender. Sometimes hourly. Surrendering my life to God is not a foreign concept to me, but knowing and doing are two different things.

As human beings we love to be in control or at least "think" we're in control when the truth is control is an illusion. Nevertheless, I have always been one who likes to be in control. It gives me a false sense of security. Lately though I have come to the stark realization that Donna Jane is not in control and by always trying to be in control, I keep myself in a near-frenzied state of fear, anxiety, worry, and frustration.

Uh. Not exactly a healthy way to live, folks. And to complicate matters I have to fight an anxiety disorder on top of the normal anxiety that people commonly deal with. That means I have to fight extra hard to combat my thoughts because when you live with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) your mind tends to race. A LOT. In my case, it tends to race ahead to the future, always trying to get out ahead of God and "figure things out". People, let me just tell you if you don't already know. This is an exercise in futility.

We are not meant to know the future. We are meant to live one day at a time and to trust God with our future. I am in a situation now where I have no choice but to trust God. Either that or lose my mind with worry. I choose to trust. I would much rather live in peace and serenity then fear and anxiety. I do this by first of all believing that God's Word is true and that He does have a plan for my life. And it's a good plan... to give me a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11).

Secondly, I make the conscious choice to "take up my cross daily" and follow Him, because sure enough if I don't, I will end up fretting and trying to take back control which only leads to more anxiety. Quite frankly, I'm tired of living life that way. I was thinking about that verse in Luke 9:23 yesterday about taking up your cross and what it meant. (Ironically that was today's "verse of the day" on my Facebook page). It dawned on me that Jesus knew our carnal nature and that it would take a daily act of surrender to trust Him, which is the only true path to peace. And really, what is surrender? It's trust, plain and simple.

I don't know about you, but I am the type who tends to want what I want when I want it which is always "now". But what about when God says "wait?" Or worse yet, when He says "no"? Will we trust Him then knowing He has our best interests at heart? Or like a child will we pitch a fit to get our way or try to "force" something that isn't in our best interest? I love the quote, "God always gives the best to those who leave the choice to Him." I have made up my mind that I want God's best in my life. And I believe I can have it.

Given my circumstances of late, (my separation and pending divorce) I have found myself at a place I never thought I would be. Yet in the midst of my marriage falling apart I am learning some things about myself that I would have never otherwise learned. Now am I saying God caused my marriage to fall apart so I could learn these things? Absolutely not. But I am saying nothing catches God off-guard. He was prepared for this before I was. I am seeing God's hand at work in my life like I haven't seen it in years. So you see? In every dark cloud there is a silver lining if we will look for it.

We are admonished in the scriptures "In everything give thanks for this is the Will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." That means in the midst of whatever it is you're going through, give thanks. Give thanks through your tears. Give thanks through your heartache. Give thanks through your fear. Give thanks through your doubt. Give thanks through your pain. If you have to grit your teeth to do it, then by God, just grit your teeth and do it knowing God will bring something good out of it. After all He promised us He would.

I am on a journey to a good place. I am getting healthy- spirit, soul, and body. I have dealt with a religious addiction for the past 5 yrs. I believe with God's help I am finally getting to a healthy place spiritually. I am currently dealing with a food addiction by dealing with the core issue rather than trying to attack the symptoms through yet another "diet". And guess what? It's working. This weight is falling off me, and for the first time in my life I truly believe (No. I know without a doubt) I will get to a healthy weight and stay there.

My most recent challenge is admitting I'm codependent. When I was first challenged by a friend with this idea I balked. And I continued to balk for 3 mos. until the signs were so "in my face" I could no longer deny it. So I went out and bought the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and boy, have I had my eyes opened. Now I'm on a journey to face and deal with my emotional issues.

I am convinced this is the primary reason my marriage fell apart. I wish I had known 20 yrs. ago what I know now, but the good news is I'm learning. And I'm growing. And I'm changing. All for the better. I am learning to love me again. I am discovering who Donna Jane is and what she needs & wants in life and in a relationship. I plan to do this right next time around. But in the meantime I am learning to "live in the present" and take one day at a time even if I have to pray this every single day:

God, Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things
I cannot change.
Courage to change
The things I can.
And wisdom to
Know the difference.

This, my friends, is the art of surrender.

Little Victories

So often when we think of "victory" we think of winning big battles and while that is exciting I want to focus on what it means to win the often-overlooked "little victories" in our lives. Most of you who have kept up with my blog know what I'm going through with the demise of my 20-year marriage. If that isn't enough to throw one for a loop, I don't know what is.

But here's what I want to say about that. My life is not over. God is not finished with me yet. This did not catch Him by surprise. Everything God ever invested in me is still there. God has not changed His mind about me, nor has He cast me aside to wallow on the spiritual junkheap forever. God will bring beauty from the ashes of my life just as He will for anyone who puts their trust in Him.

I know it's human nature to look for the spectacular. We love it when God shows out big in our lives. But what about the small, everyday things that we tend to overlook? Just because something may seem mundane or insignificant doesn't mean it's any less "God". Remember when Elijah went before the Lord because the Israelites were acting a fool and Elijah began throwing himself a big pity-party saying, "I am the only one (prophet) left and now they are trying to kill me, too." Look at what happened next in 1 Kings 19:11-12(New King James Version):

11 Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And
behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains
and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in
the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.

As human beings we do not like to go through pain. Nobody relishes tests, trials, and tribulations yet if you live long enough you will find out that pain is a part of life. No one is exempt. It's during these times that we usually cry out to God for deliverance, but instead we are met with the same thing God spoke to the Apostle Paul when he cried out for deliverance from his "thorn in the flesh". God said in II Cor. 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I don't know about you, but my reaction to something like that would've probably been, "Uh God. That's not what I wanted to hear. I want you to take this pain away so I can go about enjoying my life." Guess what? God cares more about our character than He does our comfort. Once Paul realized that he was able to say,

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses (why is it that we usually try to hide our weaknesses from others? Paul boasted about his), so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses (did you catch that? DELIGHT he says), in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Let me tell you about some of my weaknesses and the little victories I've been able to win this past week. For starters, I have been working on getting healthy- spirit, soul, and body. I believe exercise is something good I can do for my body to shed these unwanted pounds that have saddled themselves around my mid-section for years now. I made up my mind a week ago that I needed to start walking.

Now let me just tell you do I feel like going to the track after a long day at work and forcing myself to walk 2 miles? No. I don't. I would much rather go home and flop down on the couch and relax. But flopping down on the couch and relaxing isn't helping me reach my goal to get this weight off so I walk. And when I'm finished with those 2 miles, blisters and all, I feel good. I feel really good. However small it may seem to some, that is a little victory for me.

Another little victory I won this week was the battle of the Pumpkin Spice donuts. My roommate and I had seen the Krispy Kreme commercial on TV and I won't lie, it made my mouth water just seeing those things flash across the screen in all their pumpkin spice glory. I was flat-out lusting after those things.

If the truth be told I could eat a whole dozen glazed donuts right by myself and not bat an eye. Yes, I certainly could. I've never actually done it, but I must confess I have eaten 8 in one sitting. For a food-addict like me, it doesn't get any better than Krispy Kreme donuts let me tell ya. But guess what? When I came home and saw them sitting on the kitchen counter calling my name, I walked away. Another little victory.

Then if that wasn't enough, I walked into the kitchen at work the very next morning and there on the table sat Bojangles Blueberry Biscuits thanks to my friend, Tonya. I peeked in the box and boy, did my mouth water. For a second I was oh-so-tempted but I had to tell myself, "Self, you do not need that biscuit. Your health can't afford it." So I fixed my coffee and quickly got out of that kitchen. The old me would've eaten that biscuit, perhaps both of 'em. Yet another little victory.

I think perhaps the best victory of all is that in the midst of all this mess, I have found myself returning to my first love. That, in and of itself, is worth any pain I've gone through. I cannot tell you what it has done for me to get my spiritual house back in order. When God is first in our lives, it just does something for our perspective on life. I once again find my security in Him, not people.

When I left my husband I found myself wanting to cling to people for security, but not only is that not healthy, it's not prudent. People will let us down. Our confidence must be in God and God alone, and when that happens we will find the security we so desperately seek. It is true that He will never leave us nor forsake us. I learned that afresh this week. Another little victory.

God is constantly working in our lives "both to will and to do of His good pleasure". Even in the midst of pain. No, especially in the midst of pain, He is there. He is working. If you're going through hell in your life right now just know that God really has your back. He has not left you. And what doesn't kill you really will make you stronger. This may be a hard pill to swallow but I leave you with this in James 2:2-4:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not
lacking anything." Then in vs. 12 we are told, "Blessed is the man who
perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test (not quit the test),
he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love
Him."

Remember, God is not always in the spectacular. He is in the still, small voice. The mundane. The insignificant. The details. Sometimes even a dog named Shadow. Earlier this week I was in terrible emotional pain to the point that I had to leave work. I simply could not stop crying. When I got home I crawled in the bed and the only prayer I could pray at that point was, "God, please just hold me."

Next thing I knew little Shadow, the beagle, had jumped up on the bed beside me desperately trying to get to my face which I was covering with my hands because I was sobbing so loudly. Well, not to be deterred from her mission (she is a hound-dog after all) she finally rooted her way underneath my hands and started licking my tears. It was at the moment I knew God was holding me through that silly little dog. It was at that moment I knew everything was gonna be alright.

The fact is God loves each and every one of us and He cares about what we're going though. So I admonish you to look for those little victories in your own life and you will find your strength increasing and your confidence growing. That's not to say you won't have doubts or that you won't make mistakes along the way, but when that happens just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember who you are. God's favorite child. His beloved. His bride.

A prodigal daughter

Another year has dawned. I can hardly believe we're 9 years into the new millenium. My baby girl was born in the year 2000. Where has the time gone? And according to Nastradamus and the anciet Mayan prophecies we don't have much of it left.

In December of 2012 it will supposedly all come to an abrupt end when the earth turns over on its axis (or Jesus may split the sky). Not that I live my life by what someone prophecies, but it sure gives one pause if you stop and consider the day in which we live and all that's happening in the world, not to mention the Bible itself.

I know we can't sit around twiddling our thumbs waiting for Gabriel's trumpet to sound while we stockpile food for the tribulation. We must occupy until He comes, living each day as if it's our last, yet still planning for our future. My future doesn't look so bright on my current course which is why I must make some changes. Not the usual slap-a-bandaid-on-it kind of changes and hope it goes away, but the kind of changes that actually dig deep like a roto-rooter. I'm talking the kind that digs out the muck and the mire of my life. I need transforming change that only God can bring.

I'll be honest. In the last 4 years I have strayed. I allowed anger, hurt, and bitterness to steal from me what I always held so precious, which was my relationship with God. Although God has never let me down, I still managed to get angry with Him. As a result, I threw the baby out with the bathwater and said "forget it". Now here I am with my life in complete mess. Oh, on the surface everything looks normal. Nobody would suspect that things are off-kilter just from observing me. I'm certainly not out living some wild life of sin. I've simply strayed. And my heart has become hard.

Why am I confessing all this on my blog? Well, for starters, I crave authenticity. In myself and in others. I believe half the problem with church-folks, in my experience, is they can't be real. Gotta keep up those appearances. To admit struggle is to admit weakness, and anything less than 100% victory simply isn't acceptable. I get it though. People live on the surface because they fear being judged or rejected. I can't do that anymore. I just can't. I recall a scripture that says "confess your faults one to another and pray for one another, that ye may be healed". So consider this my confessional.

I cannot change what I won't acknowledge. Dr. Phil says that and I believe it's so. Denial has kept me trapped in a cycle of failure for too long now. I have failed with my weight. I have failed in my marriage. I have failed with my kids. I have failed with my God. These are four pretty major areas if you ask me. It's time to change course. The road I'm headed down will only lead to heartache. I see that now. Changing on my own is not an option. It's not even possible. "When I am weak, He makes me strong." A dear friend reminded me of that today and I needed to hear it.

What it all boils down to when you cut to the chase is "apart from Him (Jesus) we can do nothing". I have to come home. I have to return to my first love. I have to quit trying to figure everything out in my head. Oh the questions that have plagued my mind these past few years. That has been my biggest obstacle. I wanted answers to the hard questions and guess what? They didn't come. Instead I'm left with trusting God which is what He wanted in the first place. I will just have to accept that in this life I can't know or understand everything there is to know.

Today I find myself so grateful that God remains faithful to us even when are faithless. I believe God is calling this wandering sheep home. I've been gone long enough. I know change is never easy, but I believe with God all things are possible. Before I can even start the transforming process I had to take this step first. Otherwise, it would have been futile. Consider this my homecoming. January 1st, 2009. The day DJ turned around and headed back to her Father's house. Just like the prodigal son of old, except in this case it would be the prodigal daughter. I will take it one day at a time. Baby steps. And trust that God can bring beauty from my ashes. And your prayers wouldn't hurt either. :)